Connected By a Love and a Breath

I think I’d be better off dead, with things as they are.
It’s likely that I’ll die soon anyway. I couldn’t keep doing such dangerous things and not suffer the consequences eventually. I could never end it, though, by myself. I haven’t the will. But I can hope, can’t I?

I don’t know why I hope the way I do. He built a wall around himself, layered it multiple times... what chance did I have of breaking through? If only I didn’t care so much. My father always said that I attach myself to people too easily.
It just makes everything more painful in the end.

In the end, I’ll either die or vanish from the sight of people all together. I don’t belong with people. I’m an instrument. Hell, I’ve been used before, why should this work any differently? It’s not like anyone can pretend to know anything about me...

I feel like I’ve always known him. It’s so hard to explain. I wonder if he could possibly understand.
I don’t want anyone to get hurt... but if he... I can’t stand it. It’s like a piece of me dies every time someone gets killed in this war. It’s like... I can feel them dying; my heart flutters as they sigh their last breath...

Breathing is so difficult these days. It almost hurts. As if - as if I were breathing not for myself, but for another’s body, to keep them alive. Is another, in turn, breathing for me?
He must be, or I would surely have given up by now. He must be because sometimes I can feel him inside me, contracting my lungs and pushing air through my windpipe.
Would he let go if I asked him to?

I could never let go, even if he wished it. I can still see the explosion enveloping him, and I can feel myself giving up my breath to him.
There are times when I think I lack the strength to hold on, others when I’d rather die than let go... it’s like being held, suspended above the ground, with chains. And with no control.

Everything that happens is out of my control.
Can anything be helped?
Can I stop my own death from taking place? And if so... would I want to?

No matter what he wants...
I won’t let him die. I won’t. No.

But no. I can’t die. I can’t stop breathing. I can... see...

Can he see? Can he just see that -

... that I’m breathing for him.

- I love him.



back to gundam wing fanfiction