I

In fading instants, I know it again
I can feel the feeling of living and
     dying abruptly. I would speak but
I don’t remember -
     CAN’T remember, and truly
I don’t want to.
I hate to remember.
I loathe the images and memories 
     of this,
with a contempt that guts out my soul and
     places it out of reach,
Until I am left hacking and coughing in a bucket
     like an oxygen-deprived fish.
          I don’t want to remember.
These past relics, these things passed
     hack at my brain with chisels,
     in a small voice that still
Vibrates my heart, and whispers
     oh, you do remember
     yes but
     I don’t want to,
     I didn’t want it.
Why, my conscious self, do you let yourself be
     dragged, kicking and struggling into oblivion where
     in recollection,

I am drowned.


II

When we were fresher than spring leaves,
When I joined you
When we snatched our joy like thieves
When the spirit was still breathing, and
     I didn’t need to
     wake and wonder whether there had been,
during sleep, a cry for death.

     I couldn’t hear it, I couldn’t
     hear

I listened, but could not hear.
     listening to you i get the music
     following you i climb the mountain

The letter, that letter, those crucial words
I read unthinking, unknowing, uncaring
     but I read what it said.
     Guess what?
     I cried again.
My innocent shattered,
my perfect, broken.
     where had they gone?
The memories move to me as rainclouds,
     dark ones.
Where is the sun?

Listening to you, I get the music - 
     I was listening! but
it was my fault,
my flaw, my blame, my guilt
for not hearing.

I didn’t want it


III

I close my eyes and again I see the sun 
You close your eyes and shake your head
     at my egregious naiveté.
We can close our eyes together
     and see as one.
     because,
Listening to you I get the music
Gazing at you I get the heat
Following you I climb the mountain
I get excitement at your feet.

I didn’t want it
     but I have received
I couldn’t deny it
     so I have believed. now,
I just KNOW.

With ears open for hearing
With eyes clear for seeing
I have a defence in being
     no longer dutifully on my knee,
but free.