.oh my dahlia.

Just saying Yoshiki's name, just looking at him gives rise to a whole slew of feelings, all of them painfully strong. I don't even know how to start.

I do know exactly when and where and under what circumstances I first saw him. Not laid eyes on him in the traditional sense - it's practically a sin in the Japanese music world to not know who Yoshiki is - but really saw... understood, and loved. It was 2 October, 2000, in my friend Matt's living room.

Now before you start calling me scarily obsessed [and being accurate] - the reason I know this is because that very night when I came home, I was so taken that I wrote an entire freewriting segment on Yoshiki. With the date at the top.

I was over at Matt's house to watch any number of music/concert videos - I believe hide was on our agenda at the time - and he was in the middle of a large X Japan obsession. I was just like 'yeah, X Japan, whatever. hide's old band.'

He popped an X cassette into the VCR. It was Dahlia: the Video, a release of videos and clips of their Dahlia album and concert tour. The song he played was 'Tears', a montage of Dahlia concert moments. I thought I would just be watching for the hide.

To my naive surprise, it was gorgeous. It got me completely and utterly choked up and ready to cry. To this day, that 'Tears' video is one of my favourite things ever, and it represents everything I ever wanted to tell the world about X.

It was like I was enveloped in another time, another world. It was almost painful to watch, to think, god, that this had to end.

Then I saw Yoshiki. He was pouring water onto X's singer Toshi from behind. He was laughing and genuinely euphoric. He was beautiful.

Something happened all at once, so it's hard to pinpoint exactly what. I think my soul felt something along these lines: 'OH-WOW-how-sweet-my-god-he's-the-most-beautiful-thing-I've-ever-seen-and-he-was-so-happy-then-that's-so-sad-wow-I-think-I'm-in-love.'

It's definitely the fastest I've ever fallen for someone.

You can read the freewrite that I wrote afterwards here. It's a bit incomprehensible, simply because I was totally overwhelmed. I was literally shaking when I wrote it. It was born of pure emotion, just kind of exploded out of me.

Bits of feeling were forming. I didn't know at the time if I was in love, in lust, or just infatuated. But I was definitely in something. And in deep.

I borrowed Matt's Dahlia album and basically started obsessing. I bought my own copy and obsessed some more. X Japan were so more than just 'hide's old band'... and it still strikes me as amazing that musicians like Yoshiki and hide were ever together in the same band. No wonder X are such a legend.

Recently, every passing day has increased the strength of those initial emotions. Yoshiki embodies certain characteristics for me, all of which come rushing back every time I lay eyes on him.

Yoshiki is brilliant. He doesn't just write songs, he writes EPICS. Listen to something like 'Amethyst'. It sounds like it could be the entire soundtrack for a Shakespearean tragedy. 'Rose of Pain' and 'Tears' are both over ten minutes long - they're beautiful, like classical rock symphonies. And don't forget 'Art of Life', that magnum opus of a full twenty-nine minutes, worth every one. That's not to say he can't write a badass rock song - I mean, 'Orgasm'. 'Blue Blood'. 'Kurenai'. If you're listening to an X Japan song, chances are very good that Yoshiki wrote it. [The most noteable exceptions are the songs by hide.]

Yoshiki is obscenely talented. When my sister first heard the opening riffs of 'Dahlia', she said, 'Holy shit, is that a drum machine?' I went, 'No, actually, that's called a Yoshiki.' A Yoshiki, you see, is a man that passed out regularly at shows, he drummed so hard. It's someone who ran from the piano to the drumset and back again during the same song, someone who can play the guitar well enough to write 'Week End' and arrange strings successfully enough to have the London Philharmonic Orchestra perform X Japan songs. It's someone who can introduce bands like Glay and Dir en grey into the music scene who later go on to become Japan's most successful rock bands.

Yoshiki is beautiful. I think that goes without saying. If he doesn't downright claim the title of most-physically-attractive-person-ever, then he's certainly a leading contender.

Yoshiki is sad. His story is a profoundly tragic one. He lost his father to suicide when he was very young. His magnum opus, his musical dream and greatest acheivement, X Japan, got to the height of their career and then were forced to break up. Communications with his childhood friend Toshi completely fell apart for reasons he can't explain. And then he lost hide. To suicide, just like his father. hide was even the same age. He went through so much pain in those last few years of X it's almost ridiculous.

Yoshiki is inspiring. Despite his loss, despite the fact that it would have been so easy to just fade into the woodwork and never come out again, he persevered. Truly, he was on the brink. He didn't do any interviews for a full year after hide's death. But he battled that downward spiral. His record label, Extasy, has introduced a whole slew of new artists into the international scene: Shiro, kidneytheives, Abandoned Pools, Violet UK. Violet UK is Yoshiki's own project. He will soon release original material to the public for the first time since X Japan.

Yoshiki is ALIVE. Above all, he is living, breathing, working. Every time I think about it, I can't help but be amazed. The rose made it through the winter.

It makes me so angry when people see nothing but hide just because he was the one who died. hide was amazing and should never be forgotten, but does the fact that Yoshiki lived make him less significant? If anything, it takes much more strength to continue in the face of pain. He's writing songs again. I can't begin to describe how amazing that is.

Since first seeing him, everything I've ever felt for Yoshiki has increased threefold, at least, to the point where I am now. It's a point I can't really express in words.

I wish I could make it clear to him that nothing ended. X didn't end, hide didn't really die. I discovered X after their breakup, and appreciated hide after his death. If they were really and truly gone, I wouldn't be writing this. Nothing is lost. Things go on.

Yoshiki is proof.


if you could have told me everything
you would have found what love is
if you could have told me what was on your mind
i would have shown you the way...
for now i will try to live for you and for me
i will try to live with love, with dreams,
and forever with tears
from 'Tears' by X Japan

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