~~~~~
Forgive me, Jessie, for departing this world ahead of you,
but I can't stand living like this anymore.
I'm a failure. I've failed Team Rocket and I've failed you.
For ten years I've failed you, and you deserve so much better.
Ten years, Jessie, and I'm still too much of a coward to tell you how I really feel.
I love you, Jessie. I love you so much it hurts inside.
But I'm a coward and a failure, I know I'm what's holding Team Rocket back. Meowth was right, I'm a moron.
So I'm putting both of us out of our misery. I can't take this pain anymore, I'm going to end it. Forgive me.
James
~~~~~


A single tear fell on the letter as the hand that had written it folded it in half.
James carefully approached his partner, sleeping fitfully in her bed. She looked as though she were having a nightmare. He wished that he could wake her from her sleep, kiss her, and promise to make all her nightmares go away.

He wished that he could make both their nightmares go away.

He sat down on his own bed, which was right next to hers, holding the letter he had just written in one hand and a gun in the other. He looked over to the little yellow bed belonging to Meowth. It was empty. The little red blanket decorated with meowth charms was folded neatly at the bottom of the bed. They had all argued earlier that day, over why yet another one of their plans to capture Pikachu had failed. James had forgotten to place the bomb they were going to use, and it wound up blowing up in their faces, sending them all "blasting off again." Meowth had left them both in disgust, calling them a pair of morons. They had waited for a while, hoping he would come back, but after they got tired of sitting around, they decided to go and look for him.

For two hours they searched, without success. Finally, they gave up and went back to the room they shared at Team Rocket HQ and proceeded to get into another argument. Jessie blamed James for the whole mess, and after she got tired of yelling at him, went off to bed without another word.

For hours James had paced the floor, sinking deeper and deeper into depression, until something in his mind snapped. Maybe it was the constant day-to-day failure, or the fact that he had convinced himself that Jessie could never love him back, or maybe it was pain inside him, growing more intense each day due to his heartache for her, or maybe it was a combination of all three, but for whatever reason, something inside James snapped.

And now here he was, with a suicide note in one hand and a gun in the other, trying to make sense of the pain and confusion eating at his soul.
Finally, he got up and placed the note in Jessie's hand, and then did something he had always wanted to do, but had never dared.

He kissed Jessie softly on the lips and said, "I love you, Jessica. I'll always love you."

As he kissed her, her body relaxed and the nightmare she had been having seemed to subside. His heart skipped a beat when she called out his name in her sleep. His eyes filled with tears.

"She's just dreaming," the darker part of his mind told him. "She couldn't love you... why would she? You're a failure."

The tears flooded down his face as he left the room. If he had stayed a moment longer, he would have heard Jesse murmur in her sleep "I love you, too..."

He went into the bathroom and turned on the light. He stared into the mirror over the sink.

"How could I ever expect her to love me? I'm an idiot. All I ever do is act like an imbecile. I'm what's holding Team Rocket back, and Jessie and Meowth both know it..."

He stared at his reflection, looking for an answer, any answer, to end the pain he was feeling. Staring into eyes filled with darkness and despair, he slowly lifted the gun to his head...


Jessie stirred from her sleep. Was it her imagination or had James just kissed her? No, it couldn't be. She must have been dreaming. Oh, how she wished he would kiss her! She wanted to tell him that she loved him, but something always held her back.

"Why don't I just tell him?" she asked herself, beginning the debate she ran through her mind every night. She slowly sat up in her bed. "I need to tell him..."

Suddenly she noticed something in her hand. She unfolded the paper and began to read...

"Oh my god..."

She felt panic seize control of her as she jumped out of her bed and began franticly searching for James. She didn't have far to go, she found him staring into the bathroom mirror holding a gun to his head.

She froze in terror, afraid the slightest move might cause him to pull the trigger. She called out his name, the fear evident in her voice.

"James, I love you," she said, beginning to cry. "Please don't leave me."

He turned around to face her, lowering the gun just slightly.

She stared into his tear-filled eyes. She could read the confusion in them, and the pain was etched all over his face.

"Don't do this," she pleaded. "It's not supposed to end this way. We deserve a future. A life together, a family... all the things that other people have. We deserve that, James. Please don't leave me... I need you... I love you."

It was ironic how, when facing the greatest fear of her life, she had somehow found the courage she had lacked before to tell him her true feelings.

James just stared at her. He wasn't completely sure that Jessie standing there, telling him what he had always wanted to tell her, wasn't an illusion. An illusion created by his pain and desperation. He could hear two voices; a dark voice in his mind, telling him to pull the trigger and end his pain; and the pleading voice of his partner, begging him not to leave her.

"Please, James," her voice pleaded, as she held out her arms to him. "Put the gun down and come to me. Let me take care of you. Everything will be all right, I promise..."

The pain and confusion in James' heart was strong, but his love and need for Jessie was stronger.

"Come to me, James. Please..."

In his darkest moment, he placed all of his trust in her. His fingers loosened their grip on the gun and it dropped to the floor. He fell into her arms, crying.

Jessie's first instinct was to start crying herself, in relief, but she fought the impulse. She couldn't break down now. She had to be strong for James, he needed her.

She led her sobbing partner over to his bed and they both sat down. She cradled him in her arms, gently rocking him back and forth.

"It hurts so much," he sobbed, crying into her chest.

"I know," Jessie said, holding him to her, "I know..."

After a while, he dozed off in her arms. She laid him and herself both down on his pillow.

All night she held him, like a mother with her sick child, but she did not sleep. She was afraid to. She was afraid he would wake up while she slept and try to kill himself again.

"What happened?" she asked herself, as she would over and over again that night. "What happened to make him think he had to do this?"

She thought about what he had written in his letter. He said he was failure, that he was holding Team Rocket back.

Jessie didn't understand this at all. James had always seemed to be the most satisfied member of their group. She and Meowth were both dead-set on getting rich, and both felt as though they had something to prove. Their own worthiness, perhaps, both to the world and to themselves.

Not so with James. Of course, he wanted to get rich, too, but he seemed content with his life in Team Rocket. After all, he had given up billions of dollars to live the life he was leading now. As for their constant failure, it never seemed to bother him too much. She remembered him joking once about them having "a proud tradition of failure to uphold."

So what had caused him to go from being happy-go-lucky to being suicidal? She knew one thing; there was no way this could have happened overnight. The look in his eyes reflected a deep sadness that had obviously been eating at him for some time. She was angry with herself for not noticing it before.

She wished Meowth was here, she wanted to know if he had noticed anything about James that indicated his unhappiness.

She closed her eyes and tried to think. Had he given any indication of his now obvious misery? She thought back...

"Nothing ever seems to go right for us, does it, Jessie? Maybe I'm just not meant to be happy..." she recalled him saying once. The sad look in his eyes had been evident at the time, but had she tried to comfort him? No, she had called him a spoiled brat, showing no sympathy whatsoever. She wondered how many other signs of depression he had shown, signs that she had again and again ignored.

What made her feel worse was the fact that whenever SHE had been unhappy, James had always been the first (and usually the only) one to comfort her. He had always been there for her, and she hadn't been there for him.

As she ran her fingers through her sleeping partner's hair, she swore to herself that she would never take him for granted again. She loved this man, he was a part of her.

Suddenly he stirred from his sleep and began crying again.

"I'm afraid," he sobbed, over and over.

"It's all right," she said, stroking his hair and trying to reassure him. "Everything's going to be all right. I'll protect you."

"It's all my fault," he whispered. "Everything's my fault. It's always because of me that we fail."

"It's not your fault," she said, kissing his blue hair. "Team Rocket always fails."

"Jessie, I'm so afraid. Afraid of everything, afraid of losing you..."

"You won't lose me, James, not ever. I'll always protect you."

"Please don't leave me, Jessie..." he begged, clutching her desperately.

"I'll never leave you, James, I promise. We'll always be together, no matter what. Now go to sleep. I'll be right here when you wake up."

They held each other tightly the rest of the night, both afraid to let go.
Several times during the night James woke up crying again, and Jessie would gently stroke his hair and kiss his tears away until he drifted back to sleep.


At about 6:30 in the morning, as a very tired Jessie was crying silently as she watched the first rays of sun shine through the window, the phone rang.

Ring Ring Ring! Ring Ring Ring! Phone call! Phone call!
Ring Ring Ring! Ring Ring Ring! Phone call! Phone call!

It woke James up.

Jessie, who had not slept the entire night, scooted out of bed and answered it.
It was Mondo.

"The boss wants you," he told her.

"Now?!!" asked Jessie. "It's only 6:30!"

"Well, he wants you just the same," Mondo said. He wondered why Jesse looked so surprised. The boss sent for them at all hours of the night. And why did she look like she had been crying?

"Tell him we're taking the day off," Jessie said, and hung up on him.

James stared at her in amazement. Nobody just told the boss they were taking the day off. Most people were afraid to ASK Giovanni for time off.

Jessie started to head back to bed, but the phone rang again.

Ring Ring Ring! Ring Ring Ring! Phone call! Phone call!
Ring Ring Ring! Ring Ring Ring! Phone call! Phone call!

She knew it was going to be Mondo again, and she was right.

"Are you crazy?!" he asked her. "You can't do that! What would the boss say?"

"We're not working today, and if the boss doesn't like it then tell him I said he can go to hell!" She hung up the phone again.

Mondo, on the other end, looked like he was going to be sick. Him tell the boss to go to hell? Not in this lifetime! He valued his life too much.

Ring Ring Ring! Ring Ring Ring! Phone call! Phone call!
Ring Ring Ring! Ring Ring Ring! Phone call! Phone call!

"Oh shut up!" Jessie shouted at the ringing phone. She yanked it out of the wall and sent it flying across the room. The (very expensive) video phone crashed into a wall and broke into pieces.

James sat up in bed, stunned.

It was a good thing Mondo would never tell the boss what Jessie had said. He would make some excuse for them now, and find out what was going on with them later.

Jessie stared at the broken video phone. She knew there was no way they were going to be able to afford a new one anytime soon, but she didn't care. A part of her wanted to just start throwing everything in sight, but instead, she sat on the foot of the bed and put her head in her hands.

"Jessie?" James asked softly, "Are you all right?"

"I'm fine," Jessie said, getting up and going over to him.

"How do you feel?" she asked, her voice full of concern as she ran her fingers through his silky blue hair.

He lowered his head. He didn't know what to say to her.

"James, please talk to me," she said, lifting his head so that his emerald eyes met her sapphire-blue ones, "Tell me what's wrong. Tell me how I can help you."

His eyes filled with tears.

"It hurts inside," he said. "I love you, Jessie. I've loved you for so long, but I was too afraid to tell you, and now you probably hate me because of what I did."

He closed his eyes and started to cry.

"James, I don't hate you," she said softly, wiping his tears away and beginning to cry herself. "I could never hate you."

"Really?" he asked.

"I love you, James," she said, "I was just too proud to tell you. I was afraid you would think less of me if you didn't feel the same way. I love you more than anything, even though I don't always know how to show it."

He looked at her with tears in his eyes. He couldn't believe what he was hearing. She loved him. Jessie loved him.

"Jessie, I need you so much," he said, though his tears. "Please make it stop... Make the pain stop."

Jessie closed her eyes and touched her lips to his. She kissed him softly at first, then deeply, passionately. After a minute, she broke the kiss, waiting to see his reaction.

"No, don't stop," he whispered, pulling her close. "Please don't stop."

She kissed him again, laying him down on the bed. She pulled herself on top of him and continued to kiss him.

James wrapped his arms tightly around her. He felt like he was surrounded by her. Her scent and the warmth of her body against his seemed to wrap around him, filling him with a sense of security and fulfillment he had never known. He didn't want the feeling to stop. He could feel the passion building up inside him, and finally, acting almost on impulse, he held her to him and flipped them both over so that he was on top of her.

He wanted her, needed her, so much at that moment. He broke their kiss and looked down at her, not sure how to ask for what he desperately wanted to do.

Jessie knew what he wanted, what they both wanted. She also knew that he was too much of a gentleman to act without asking her first.

"Go ahead," she whispered, pulling him down to her, "Make love to me, James. Please make love to me."

From that moment on, nothing else mattered.

They made love with a fierce desperation, both desperately needing to be close to each other after what had almost happened last night. Both needing to be as close as humanly possible.

James felt as though he couldn't get close enough to her. She cried out his name with each hard thrust as he dove into her, overwhelmed by want and need that now seemed to possess every fiber of her being. Years of built up passion from surpressed love spilled out of him and into her, ending in an incredible explosion that melted into relief and pure joy.

When it was over, they still did not separate from each other.

"I don't want to let go," James said softly.

"Then don't," Jessie returned.

Holding each other tightly, they both drifted off into a contented sleep, without ever separating their bodies.


James was the first to awaken a few hours later. He separated himself from Jessie, careful not to awaken her, and covered her with his blue blanket. He kissed her softly, smiling as she murmured his name in her sleep, and then pulled on his boxers and went into the kitchen.

He made himself a cup of coffee and sat down at the kitchen table. He and Jessie would have both preferred a traditional Japanese dining area, a short table with cushions on the floor to sit on. Actually, they did have that at their cabin a few miles off, but there wasn't enough room in their small quarters at Team Rocket HQ, so they had to settle for what they had, which was a plain wooden table against the wall with chairs at each end for him and Jess, and a high stool in the middle for Meowth.

James stared sadly at Meowth's empty seat. He wondered where their Pokemon friend was. Warming his hands on his cup of coffee, his mind ran through the events of last night. He remembered the two-hour search for Meowth, Jessie yelling at him, writing the suicide note, holding the gun to his head...

"What the hell happened to me?" he asked himself. He had been unhappy for quite some time, but he never dreamed that his unhappiness would lead him to do something so drastic.

He sighed and thought of Jessie. She was the one who had gotten him through it. Her voice had stopped him from pulling the trigger, and all night she had cared for him, her gentle touch easing his pain so that he could sleep.

And then there was this morning...

"I can't believe it's real," he thought, "I can't believe that she and I... it was amazing..."

For the first time in his life, he felt complete. The answer he had been seeking now seemed so simple: Jessie completed him. He closed his eyes and smiled, remembering her kissing him, touching him, loving him...

His pleasant memory with interrupted as reality hit him. Last night, he had almost killed himself, and if he had succeeded...

"Oh my god, what did I almost do?" he thought to himself. "Instead of making love to Jessie this morning, I would have been dragged out in a body bag..."

He pictured Jessie waking up and finding him dead.

"Oh god, how could I do that to her?"

He stared into his coffee cup. He still hadn't taken the first sip, but he didn't want it anymore.


Jessie slowly sat up in bed. James... where was James? Realizing he wasn't there, she cursed herself for falling asleep and not watching him. She grabbed her pink silk robe and got out of bed, franticly calling out for him.

"James! James, where are you?!"

"It's okay, Jess. I'm right here," he said, coming out of the kitchen.

Jessie felt a wave of relief wash over her. Relief, combined with another emotion. Anger.

She slapped him hard across the face, bringing tears to his eyes.

James raised his hand to his cheek and stared at her with a hurt and confused expression. Suddenly a horrible thought came to him; what if she regretted what had happened between them this morning? If that was the case, James wouldn't need a gun, he was going to wither and die right where he stood.

"Jessie you- you don't... regret what happened between us, do you?" he asked fearfully. His heart was in his throat.

"No, I don't regret making love with you!" she shouted. "I love you! I love you more than anything else in this world! But I'm still angry with you, James! Very angry!"

James looked into her eyes. The anger in them was evident, but there was something more...

Pain. He had hurt her!

"You almost killed yourself last night!" she said in an accusing tone. "You were going to leave me... after everything we've been through together... Ten years, James, and you were just going to throw it away!"

She tried to hold back her tears, but she wasn't succeeding very well.

James hated himself at that moment. The woman he loved was in pain, and it was his fault. He held out his hand to her, wanting to get close to her, but afraid she would strike him again.

She slapped his hand away.

"How could you just leave me like that?!" she shouted, the tears running down her face. "I know I'm horrible to you, but I would never abandon you, and I never dreamed you would try to abandon me! Now I have to live in constant fear of leaving you alone, afraid you'll try to do it again!"

"Jessie I..."

She brushed past him and sat down at the table where he had been sitting. She pushed the cup of coffee away, and put her head on the table.

He knew she was right. He had almost abandoned her. He deserved her anger. He was the cause of her pain. He went into the bathroom where the gun was lying on the floor.

Jessie heard the gun scrape across the floor. Again she panicked. By accident, her arm knocked the cup of coffee off the table, sending it crashing to the floor. The cup shattered into pieces. She cut her foot on the broken glass as she ran to the bathroom, only to find that James was just taking the bullets out of the gun.

He realized at once what she must have thought. He hated himself for doing this to her. She was living in fear because of him, and he hated himself for it.

"Jessie, your bleeding!" he cried, suddenly noticing her cut foot.

He quickly picked her up and sat her on their tall hamper. After tending to her foot and bandaging it up, he carried her to her bed and sat her down, and then went to clean up the coffee and broken glass.

When he came back, she was laying on her bed crying.

He hated it when she cried, it made his heart ache when she did. And this time, knowing that he was the cause of her misery, it made him feel physically sick.

He went over to her bed and sat down.

"Jessie, forgive me," he said, starting to cry.

She sat up and faced him. Before she could say anything, he pulled her to him and hugged her.

"Jessie, please forgive me!"

Jessie rested her head on his shoulder.

"I seem like a strong person, don't I?" she asked, in a lost, dreamy sort of voice. "I always thought that's was I was. But my loved ones... I'm not strong enough to hold on to them. Fate pulls them right out of my hands..."

She fought to hold back her tears as she began to cry again.

"I lost my mother, I can't find Meowth... I just barely managed to keep from losing you, the one person I thought I would never lose... You said that you had failed Team Rocket. But you didn't fail... I'm the one who failed. I was the one who was supposed to protect us all. But I lost Meowth, and I almost lost you last night simply because I didn't know how to tell you that I loved you. I was too cold-hearted to give you the warmth and tenderness that you needed. I always say 'to protect the world from devastation,' but I couldn't even protect you from devastation, the person I love most in the whole world..."

"No, Jessie, you're wrong!" said James. "You did protect me! You kept me from making the worst mistake of my life! If it hadn't been for you, I would be dead right now! You saved my life, Jessie. Your love pulled me out of the despair I was sinking in. I felt like my world had been shattered, you made me whole again."

"But it was my fault you were unhappy in the first place..."

"No, Jessie. It wasn't your fault. It was just... alot of things..."

Jessie pulled from his embrace and stared into his eyes, as if trying to read him.

James could tell she was in pain, physical pain. It registered all over her face.

"Are you okay, Jess? Does your foot hurt?"

"No, my head..." she said, crying miserably. "Everytime I think... about what almost happened it hurts worse..." The last of her defenses had fallen. She gave up on trying to hold back her tears.

"Lay back," James whispered, kissing her forehead, "Lay back and close your eyes."

She laid back onto her pillow. James sat on top of her and slowly massaged her temples.

"Concentrate on my touch," he told her, as he moved his fingers in circular motions.

Jessie found her attention being drawn away from the pain, and drawn to the soothing movement of his fingers.

"Talk to me, James," she said. "I need to hear your voice..."

James found himself softly singing an old song that (oddly enough) his mother had taught him. It reminded him of his feelings for Jessie whenever he sang it...

"Oh my love's like a red, red rose

That's newly sprung in June;

Oh my love's like a melody

That's sweetly played in tune.

As fair art thou, my bonnie lass,

(Jessie giggled at the words "bonnie lass")

So deep in love am I;

And I will love thee still, my dear,

Till all the seas gang dry.

By this time, Jessie had forgotten her headache and was concentrating on his song.

Till all the seas gang dry, my dear,

And the rocks melt with the sun;

Oh I will love thee still my dear,

While the sands of life shall run.

And fare thee well, my only love!

And fare thee well awhile!

And I will come again my love,

Though it were ten thousand mile!"

James suddenly realized she was crying softly. Then he thought about the last verse of the song...

'And fare thee well, my only love...'

No wonder she was crying!

"Jessie I... I'm sorry. Bad choice of words..."

"James, what happened last night?" she asked. "Please tell me what happened to you... Help me to understand..."

"I don't know, Jess... it's like something inside me just... snapped. I couldn't stand the pain anymore. It's just... I'm always messing everything up, and I just feel like I'm not good enough. I was never good enough for my parents, and I felt like I wasn't good enough for Team Rocket either. I didn't feel like I was good enough for you..."

"I am so sorry if I ever made you feel like you weren't good enough for our team," said Jessie, starting to cry again. "You are, James. We love you and need you."

Although Jessie had said "we" to include Meowth, she really meant "I," and James knew it. She gently touched his face.

"James, I love you for who YOU are. We may fail alot, but as long as we're together... that's what's most important. We're a team, James... You, me, and Meowth too..."

"I wonder where Meowth is..." James said, sadly.

"We'll find him," said Jessie, sitting up. "I know we will. But from now on, whenever you're unhappy, talk to me. I don't want you to ever feel like you're alone, because you're not. I'm here for you and I always will be. I love you, James..."

James pulled Jessie into another hug.

"I know Jess, I will. I love you, too."

"James, promise me you'll never do that again..."

"I won't, Jessie."

Jesse pulled away from his embrace and looked into his eyes.

"No, you promise me, James! Look me in the eyes and promise me you won't ever try to do that again, or else I'll always be afraid to leave you alone for fear that you'll try to leave me again..."

He gently caressed her face and said, "I promise, Jessie, with all my heart. I promise I'll never leave you, not ever."

She smiled and nestled into his arms, and in that instant, James knew he was completely forgiven.


Mondo came by a few minutes later and turned red upon noticing that Jessie was only wearing a silk robe and James was in his boxers. He was a bright enough kid to put two and two together.

Jessie honestly didn't care was Mondo knew or thought. Ignoring his embarrassment, she told him that she and James wouldn't be working today because they had to go find Meowth. She shooed Mondo out the door and went to get dressed.

James started on breakfast. When Jessie came to the table, dressed in her Team Rocket uniform, (minus the boots and gloves) she laughed at the sight of James cooking in his boxers.

"What's so funny?" he asked.

"Nothing," she said, trying to surpress her giggles. He looked so cute that way, especially with the puzzled expression on his face.

"Well, here," he said, putting two plates down in front of her.

Jessie's mouth dropped open. Ham, sausage, bacon, and eggs on the first plate; pancakes, fried potatoes and biscuits on the other. James put down a third plate, French toast, and a bowl of oatmeal.

"Whatever possessed you to make so much?!" she asked, stunned.

"Well, I couldn't decide what I wanted, so I made some of everything," he replied.

Jessie burst into laughter. That was James. He was back to normal, or as normal as you could call James, anyway.

After breakfast, James started to clear the table but Jessie stopped him.
"I'll do it, you go get dressed," she told him.

After putting on his Team Rocket uniform, James went to nightstand between his bed and Jessie's. It had two drawers, Jessie used the top one for her make-up and James kept an assortment of stuff in the bottom one. He opened it and started to dig through. Roses, a book of poetry, pictures of him and Jessie, bottle caps...

Finally he found what he was looking for; his journal. He been so depressed the last few weeks he hadn't even given it a thought. He sat down on his bed and tried to think of how to express all he was feeling. How could he describe everything that had happened? He opened the journal and started to write...

~~~~~
When you wish upon a shattered star
You find yourself wondering who you are
When darkness seized my shattered soul
My true love's touch remade it whole.
~~~~~

Okay, maybe not his best attempt at poetry, but it seemed to express exactly how he felt.

"You ready?" asked Jessie, coming out of the kitchen.

"For what?" he asked.

"To go find Meowth, of course," she said, putting on her gloves.

"You bet," he said, closing his journal and leaving it on the bed.

He had no doubt they would find their cat-pokemon friend. His faith in himself and his life had been renewed, and he knew Jessie was right; as long as they were together, that was the most important thing. Their unity had become stronger through this ordeal, and James knew that they would be there for each other, through good times and bad, because they loved each other.

And that's what love was all about.

~END

DISCLAIMER: The song "Red, Red Rose" is by the Scottish poet Robert Burns. I did not write it.