Eevee's Special Disclaimer for SuperBrock: Okay, SuperBrock is the creation of my mate Eevee, who I promised that if she let me use him she could have her very own special disclaimer so...voila...I bow down before you oh disturbing one. Rating: PG13 for dodgy suggestions, slight language and other stuff like that. Notes: This, you may find highly disturbing. If I were you I would run for the hills, but I’m not… so do what you like. Oh…while I’m here I must apologise profusely for ripping off Meatloaf (the master ) in the love medley… and also the Muppets (Jim Henson ROCKS, dude!) Anyway, must dash…enjoy the insanity!
Just sit right back and you'll read a fic,
A fic that’s quite obscene,
That started in the Orange Isles,
Aboard this submarine.
James was a mighty sailin' man,
And Jessie, brave and sure.
Meowth the talking cat was there to help defy the law .
To help defy the law.
The weather started getting rough,
The tiny sub was tossed.
If not for the courage of the fearless three,
Team Rocket would be lost.
Team Rocket would be lost.
The group set ground on the shore of this uncharted desert isle,
And landed in, a seaside cave, (platonically)
In a pile, they made a wish, then swam to the
Sandy cove, here on this Orange Isle.
Now this is the tale of that fated wish ,
It’s very, very pointless crap,
After reading it you may be scarred,
You may want to go back.
The narrator (me) is a nutcase and will do her very best,
To make you most mentally scarred,
‘Cause she’s a bloody pest.
No sanity, no sense at all, you won’t get that luxury.
Like Robinson Crusoe, as psychotic as can be.
So join me here right now, my friends,
It might just make you smile, ‘cause sanity’s a bore for us,
Here on this Orange Isle!
Prologue
It was a sunny day, as always, in the Orange Islands and the twerps were merrily sailing along on some poor random person’s boat, whom they had chosen to bug and inflict their annoyingly moralistic and patronising presence upon! Nothing new there, then.
Again, as always, our heroes, Team Rocket were in hot pursuit, ready to catch that annoying yellow rat, Pikachu, to feed *ahem* I mean, give to the boss so that they could finally abort mission and run for the hopefully not too distant hills. Just as usual, the twerps were happy to get a free lift for no work or pay back whatsoever, while poor old Team Rocket were peddling their arses off in the Magikarp submarine, which for some odd reason could not have been built with a fuel powered engine. Oh well, that means it wasn’t burning fossil fuels, which means they weren’t burning a hole in the ozone layer which means (YAY!) it was an eco-friendly sub! You see, Team Rocket are the more considerate of the rivals, caring for the planet which is so easily destroyed by stupid people who don’t care whether they’re causing the Earth to combust and killing off millions of species! Grrr…yes, Mr Bush if you are reading this, that means you. “No pollution doesn’t exist”, that’s why the planet is miraculously combusting!!! Heh…heh…anyway….
“Ha! They’re heading towards that island!” announced Jessie, peering through the periscope. James tried to get a look, but Jessie’s ridiculous amount of hair happened to obscure his view.
“What island?” he asked.
“It’s on the right. I don’t know what the hell it’s called, they’re all the same; sunshine, sickeningly happy people, unnaturally golden beaches and fruit.”
“Well, what are we waitin’ for? Let’s get peddlin’!” ordered Meowth.
“Who died and made you the boss?” asked James, irritated.
“De faster we get movin’, de faster we can catch dat rat and get outta here!” Jessie and James groaned, but peddled faster.
“Hey! What’s that up ahead?” asked Jessie looking through the periscope.
“Let me see!” said James, struggling to look over her shoulder. She handed him the viewfinder.
“It looks like something big, and dark,” he muttered.
“Well, that helps us,” said Jessie dryly, “now let me look!” She yanked the viewfinder off him.
“Er…where did the ocean go?” CRASH! The sub shook violently as the front hit solid wall with bone chilling impact. The front wall of the submarine jutted in at a sickeningly crunched angle.
“Looks like we found de island…” said Meowth.
“And battered karp’s the local speciality,” said James.
Cracks appeared down the walls and seawater began to seep in.
“AAAAAAHHHHHH!!!” screamed Jessie and James jumping into each other’s arms (in the most platonic way possible of course).
“Jessie!!! I don’t wanna die!!!” cried James desperately. Overcoming her original fear, Jessie grabbed him by the shirt.
“We’re not going to die, James! We just have to swim to the surface.”
“How we s’posed ta do dat, Jess? Da door’s jammed!” shrieked Meowth, scratching at the stubborn doorframe.
“AAAAAAHHHHHH!!!” screamed James, wrapping his arms around Jessie and clinging on for dear life, “I WANT A DOUGHNUT!!!” Getting frustrated, Jessie whacked him with her paper fan that, as always, by the powers of Japanation, conveniently appeared from thin air.
“James! Do you think about anything but food?! Let go and we can find something to open the door with! We will die if we just stand here!” Whimpering, James let go of her. In an instant, which translates as about three seconds, Jessie produced a crow bar from a large sack incidentally marked “crow bars” at the back of the sub.
“Come on, you two! Help me open this thing!” Through some miracle they managed to prize the door open, as water proceeded to gush in from the cracks and now the open doorway.
“Swim!” ordered Jessie, before taking a deep breath and grabbing James and Meowth. They plunged into the water and struggled with all their strength to reach open air. Meowth writhed in panic as they swam, extremely freaked by the surrounding wetness. As they broke the surface they gasped for breath.
“AAAAAHHHH!!! Meowth!!! Get me outta dis water!!!” screamed the deluded cat. Jessie scowled, displaying amazing powers of defiance for the laws of physics, pulling out her mallet, whilst treading water and holding onto James for dear life (platonically) all at the same time, and walloping Meowth with it.
“At least we’re alive, you moron! Now come on! We’ve gotta get to shore!”
“Uh, Jess? I don’t see the shore anywhere nearby, just a lot of rocks,” said James nervously. They followed his gaze.
“Oh f-,” Jessie was cut short by a huge wave that came crashing towards them and swept them in the general direction of the perilous rocks.
*** “Uh…what happened?” asked a groggy James. He wasn’t sure where the heck he was, only that he was very wet and he had pins and needles in his arm. He was lying on his stomach and he could feel a light weight on his back. With great effort he turned himself over to find Jessie lying seemingly unconscious on top of him. Interesting that they managed to get washed up from near death experiences in such *ahem* close (but platonic) positions of unconsciousness. She moaned in her sleep as he rolled over. He smiled. She was so cute when she was sleeping!
“Jessie,” he whispered gently, “Jessie, wake up.” She groaned and opened her eyes hazily.
“Wh-what i-is it?” she yawned.
“We’ve got to get up…and figure out where the hell we are.” She looked up at him blearily.
“Huh?” He stood up, weary, and extended his hand to pull her up.
“Don’t you remember? We were out in the ocean…”
“The wave…” she said, memory dawning in her eyes, “I remember now.” James nodded.
“Where’ d that cat go?” he wondered, “Meowth?” He observed their surroundings. It looked like they were in some kind of cave. It was quite dark. Hmmm…did that equal frightening enough circumstances to grab on to his partner? Oh, darn! There was daylight shining through the entrance.
“Jimmy?” came a familiar voice from the other side of the cave, “your awake!”
“Just about,” he answered sheepishly. Jessie looked around distractedly, gazing at the walls. It was then that he realised that they weren’t just plain rocky walls, like your average cave. These were covered in what would probably be described as prehistoric graffiti (or cave paintings as scientific dudes like to call ‘em), only they didn’t look like anything, just random splurges of colour splashed on the walls to make a rainbow effect.
“What is this place?” she asked breathlessly.
“I don’t know. I’ve never seen anything like it. I feel like I’m on playdays!”
“James! Playdays doesn’t exist in this reality.”
“But, Peggy Patch, and Poppy…and WYBIRD!!! They taught me all my philosophies of life.” Jessie sighed.
“You “brought up by Kentucky fried Southerners yet mysteriously British” are odd. Anyone knows that it was the Tellytubbies that taught great philosophies on life.”
“This can’t have been in the original Japanese script. None of this stuff makes any sense to anyone, but sad Brits who reminisce of their childhood mornings spent watching scary kids’ programmes on CBBC.” Meowth, looking mightily confused, chose to change the subject before this conversation progressed any further.
“Let’s get back ta da sub so we can swipe Pikachu!” he ordered. Jessie glowered at him.
“Aren’t you forgetting something, Meowth?”
“What?”
“The sub’s a wreck at the bottom of the ocean by now.” He groaned.
“Oh, I forgot about dat.”
“Honestly, Meowth, you are such an idiot.” Uh oh, thought James, cat fight.
“I’m an idiot? I ain’t de one who crashed de sub!” Jessie’s temper flared.
“Why you little-!” She jumped forward and grabbed the cat by the throat and proceeded to throttle with all her might.
“AAAAAAHHHH!!!” screamed Meowth, “You tryin’ ta kill me?”
“Yes, actually, I am!” growled Jessie, gritting her teeth. Seeing no other way out he bit Jessie’s hand. She shrieked, and let go, in which time he unsheathed his claws and fury swiped her face.
“My perfection! How dare you?” screamed Jessie, grabbing for the throat again. James looked on helplessly, and decided he should try and separate them.
“Guys, give it a break!” he yelled, trying to get between them, but this only resolved to get him yammered at so he decided to join in. Before long it was a full-bodied scuffle in one of those cartoon dust clouds.
After what seemed like hours of clawing, punching, scratching and rolling, the trio lay exhausted, sprawled on the cave floor nursing their wounds. They all seemed to have forgotten what they had originally been arguing about and realised that all they had achieved was a few scratches and bruises.
“Well that was pointless,” muttered Jessie.
“I agree,” said James.
“Ya know what our problem is?” declared Meowth, “Poor communication. We jump ta violence before talkin’.”
“Good point,” James sat up, painstakingly, “we should talk more.”
“I guess,” agreed Jessie reluctantly. She hated admitting other people were right.
“We need ta express ourselves more. Take de time to make our feelin’s known,” continued Meowth who appeared to be experiencing an epiphany of philosophy. Ignoring him, Jessie brought out her compact mirror and examined her face critically, wincing at the scratch marks and glaring at the cat.
“I wish people would express themselves more, if that’s what it takes to stop my face from being destroyed every five seconds,” growled Jessie, irritated.
***
From the dark shadows of the far corners of the cave, a dark figure watched and grinned.
“Wish granted.”
Team Rocket: The Musical!!!
Team Rocket emerged from the turbulent ocean in slinky, white bikinis, running with the waves as random and cheesy inspirational music serenaded in the background.
*Sorry, we are experiencing mental turbulence in the right brain. Please be patient while we attend to the problem.*
On with the story. Team Rocket gasped heavily and collapsed on the shore as they finally reached solid ground. Well, as solid as sand is. They lay there, looking half drowned for what seemed like forever. Jessie’s hair had lost it’s gravity defying curve now that the water had gotten to it, and hung soaked and heavy down her back. James lay collapsed beside her, and Meowth close by, looking like a drowned rat.
When they finally found the energy to talk, it was sparingly.
“We’d better set up camp further inland,” said James, “we’re not going to get anything else done today.” He looked up at the twilit sky, tinged with pink and pricked with the first stars of the evening. In mute agreement, the others stood up and followed him as he headed off the beach and towards the edge of a nearby forest.
In a small clearing close to the forest border, they set up their camp, with little conversation, and lit a fire. Jessie sat gazing into the flames and groaned, feeling her muscles tensed up from all the swimming.
“Don’t worry, Jess,” said James, putting an arm around her, “we may not have a lot of luck, but at least we’ve got…“our freedom”.” (Note inverted commas). She smiled. James could always find the bright side, but she couldn’t help thinking that they’d never catch Pikachu, never succeed at anything. (AAAAHHHH!!!)
Suddenly from nowhere, a familiar musical introduction began playing from an invisible orchestra. Not quite knowing how or why, Jessie had the sudden urge, no, not for herbal (although she had before experienced daydreams of being serenaded by hunky (lavender haired and green eyed) men, and monkeys claiming to be eating the wrong fruit), but to burst into song. She gazed into the fire and began lamenting.
“Guess mine is not the first heart broken
My eyes are not the first to cry
I'm not the first to know
There's just no catching Pikachu!”
She reached out towards the fire and saw possibly the scariest thing possible: Pikachu’s head floating around in the flames. Oh well, she continued to sing.
“We try with frying pans and fishing nets,
Cross dressing with much chic and style,
And all we ever see,
Is lot’s of electricity,
And how we’re still alive’s a mystery!”
Meowth and James, who had originally been observing her with some disturbance, now joined in for the chorus, and began bawling the tune.
“And now, there's nowhere to hide
As we get electrified!
We fly through the air,
God, couldn’t we use a cup of tea!
Just how we’re still alive’s a mystery,
How we’re still alive’s a mystery!”
They hung onto each other like drunken idiots as they sang their hearts out to the night air, most probably causing anyone in the vicinity who for some unknown reason would have been taking a late night walk in the dark and mysterious woods, to run for the hills.
“Our heads are saying "fool, forget him"
Our boss is saying "don't let go"
Hold on to the end
That's what we have to do
Just try and try to catch Pikachu!”
As the music picked up, Jessie and James began waltzing around the clearing while Meowth stood on a nearby log looking confused.
“And now, there's nowhere to hide
As we get electrified!
We fly through the air,
God, couldn’t we use a cup of tea!
Just how we’re still alive’s a mystery-y-y-y-y-y-y-y,
How we’re still alive’s a mystery!”
They suddenly snapped out of their little reverie and looked around in shocked horror.
“Shock shock horror horror!
Shock shock horror!”
Invisible backing singers struck up the song, but then thankfully left before things got scary.
“What the hell was that?!” shrieked Jessie, highly freaked out.
“I don’t know!” cried James, “ This has never happened to me before! We never usually randomly burst into song, maybe once or twice, but not like that!”
“Dis is scary,” commented Meowth, “and why de hell did we get de dodgy rip off of Olivia Newton John’s number from Grease? Jessie is in no way anything like Sandy, and where the hell is the comparison between John Travolta and Pikachu?!”
“Does Grease even exist in this “reality”?” asked James.
“Probably not. But who cares?”
“Oh my God! I can’t believe I just sang all that crap! Do you think it’ll happen again?! What if it does? If we can’t control what we’re singing about we could say anything!” screamed Jessie.
“Got sometin’ ta hide, Jess?” asked Meowth slyly.
“No! Of course not!” she snorted indignantly.
“Well den, dere’s notin’ to worry about.”
“Anyway, singing and dancing…it’s kind of neat,” said James. Jessie whacked him with her paper fan. She was worried. This could get bad. Maybe she should stay away from people in general, just until this whole plotline had blown over.
“I still don’t like it,” she muttered, “What if we’re trying to hide from the twerps and we’re suddenly serenading each other?”
“Why would ya do dat? Aren’t serenades for lovers?” asked Meowth slyly. Jessie blushed and fired her mallet at him.
“It was just an example,” she muttered.
“Sure.”
Conveniently oblivious to the whole little exchange, James came out of his momentary deafness and spoke.
“Why don’t we get some rest? It’s been quite a day.”
“You’re right,” said Jessie, keen to get away from Meowth. They grabbed their sleeping bags and prepared to snuggle up for the night. Little did they know what tomorrow would bring…
***
Jessie woke up to find herself lying curled in her sleeping bag, very close to James. She smiled in spite of herself. Great position, she thought, and it looks perfectly innocent ‘cause, of course, we moved in our sleep. She suddenly remembered what had happened the previous night and shuddered. I hope to God there’s no more singing.
She sat up and began brushing her hair, taking glances at James every five seconds. I’m so happy with our relationship, she thought, it’s so perfectly platonic and unfull of sexual tension. That Misty and Ash could learn a lot from us. Some people.., Honestly! They could at least try not to be so blatantly obvious!
Suddenly…
“He’s just a boy,
I’m just a girl,
Can I make it any more obvious?
He is a wuss,
I am a bitch,
So this is the stitch…
“He’s kinda gay,
I’d never tell,
Secretly I’m hot for him like hell,
We’re really “best friends”,
But what if he knows
I’d like to see him take off all his clothes?
“He is my Rocket boy,
Come on now, sock it boy,
Please tell me now that we’re okay!
Please don’t turn out to be,
A missed opportunity,
And I need to known that you’re not gay!
“Five years from now,
Will we still be here?
In each other’s arms at the slightest fear?
Still after that rat
And between you and me,
All this pent up electricity?
“You whine like a girl,
Eat like a pig,
A lot of your plans are all failures too,
But you’ve put up with me,
My violence and junk,
And you’re such a major hunk!
“You are my Rocket boy!
Come on now sock it boy,
Please tell me now that we’re okay,
Please don’t turn out to be,
A missed opportunity,
And I need to know that you’re not gay!
“Sorry, though it may be true,
I can’t admit that I love you,
It may seem easy to say,
But it wouldn’t be that way.
I would end up speaking spam,
Whack you with my frying pan,
Then blast off with my luck too,
I’m scarred for life by Pikachu!
“He’s just a boy,
I’m just a girl,
Can I make it any more obvious?
He turns me on,
Together we fit,
But I just can’t admit!
“He is my Rocket boy!
Come on now sock it boy!
Please tell me now that we’re okay!
Please don’t turn out to be,
A missed opportunity,
And I need to know that you’re not gay-ay-ay-ay!”
Fearing for her life, Jessie jumped from her position suspended in mid air with an air guitar.
“Who’s not gay?” asked a familiar voice from behind her.
“AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!” she shrieked, “J-james?” He looked at her concerned, as would be anyone to find their “friend” screaming in terror.
“Are you okay?” he asked. She hastily turned away in a pointless attempt to hide her blush. Incidentally, James had acquired a selective attention span, and did not at all notice that her face matched her hair colour or that she couldn’t look at him in the face. Not catching on in the slightest, as is so often the case, James frowned.
“What’s the matter?” he asked.
“Well…I…uh…”Unable to speak, she ended up pulling out her omnipresent frying pan in order to get the message across. Looking hurt and confused he walked away sadly. Seeing him like that made her even more confused and angry. Darn this fanfiction world. It always works on the kids’ programme, she thought, He’s so moody. I bet it doesn’t hurt that much. Just to test her theory she pulled it out again and bonked herself on the head.
“Ow…” she had time to mutter before passing out.
Meowth, who had been watching this whole exchange with some interest from the bushes, was unable to believe what he had just scene. Did Jessie really just knock herself out? He walked over to her to find the frying pan had conveniently disappeared and she was lying on the floor unconscious.
“Heh, guess she ain’t woiked up de resilience dat me an’ James have.” He considered leaving her there to teach her a lesson, but decided that it would be slightly indecent if anyone came along and observed her lying there in her slinky night dress that had crawled up to her waist with falling unconscious to the ground. Why in God’s name she chose to wear that whilst camping out in the middle of a forest he could not comprehend. Or maybe he did now he suddenly knew her secret feelings for James. Knew dere was somet’in she was tryin’ ta hide. Dis singin’ and dancin’ ain’t so bad after all.
Just then, James appeared from his convenient absence.
“Hey Meowth, I’m going to start up breakfast,” then seeing Jessie, “what happened to her?”
“Ah, she knocked herself out,” said Meowth casually. James’ brow furrowed.
“How?”
“I tink she tried ta investigate de effect of her skills wid a frying pan…”
“Why would she do that?”
“Don’t ask me.”
James, looking more confused by the minute, but ever the gentleman came over to her side and picked her up, then carried her back over to her sleeping bag and laid her down to recover. He had to be very careful not to let his eyes wander too far, but still.
“She’ll come round soon,” he said, returning to the firewood, which, through the powers of Japanation, was suddenly in a convenient pile and alight. Being the sweet and kind person that he was, James decided to make Jessie her favourite breakfast, French toast. (Now I don’t know if this is actually her favourite breakfast food, but it seems to be a unanimous assumption that it is, ‘cause everywhere I go people with or without the ability to write fanfics surround me with… FRENCH TOAST!!! What is so special about French toast anyway? What’s wrong with good old English toast? I mean, no offence to the French, but they eat SNAILS man! Poor innocent slimy little snails! Come on! Well, okay, French toast is delicious, but why can’t us English ever get credit for our cooking whereby we stick pieces of bread in the toaster? Huh? Huh? Want a piece of me? Do ya? Do ya? We are currently experiencing technical problems. *Bangs head on table* Bad Roy! Rambling about French toast is not good! *Bangs head again* Bad, bad Roy!)
***
On with the story… Jessie slowly began to come round to the sweet smell of… FRENCH TOAST. (Don’t even think about it, Roy**) Mmm…my favourite breakfast. But, why am I back on my sleeping bag? I’m sure I woke up earlier… She suddenly remembered the events that had followed her waking up and groaned.
Hearing her, James came to her side.
“Jessie? Are you awake?”
“Nghhhnngh…” James grinned.
“I made you French toast. Your favourite…” He waved it temptingly under her nose. She looked up sleepily.
“Nggghh ngghle nnnyeh?” (With maple syrup?) James nodded.
“With maple syrup.”
“Nnngg nnggh?” (And cream?)
“And cream.” Jessie sat up grinning.
“You’re a star,” she said, kissing him fondly on the cheek. His cheeks went red and he looked up at her shyly. She smiled and began eating at “the speed of light”. I like it when she’s in a good mood like this, he thought, I should make French toast more often. He pulled up his own plate of French toast and joined her in merrily eating away.
Meowth looked on from his hiding place in the bush nearby. Dose two couldn’t be more obvious if you gave ‘em a bottle of vodka and a pack of cards thought Meowth, and then paused, Or maybe dey could…
***
It was another sunny day in the Orange islands, and our annoying little twerps that like to think they’re heroes (dream on, suckers…) were annoying everyone possible with their presence.
“I’m gonna be a Pokemon master someday, Misty,” announced Ash in his annoying, whiny voice, “And then everyone will see how hunky and brilliant I am, right Pikachu?”
“Pika!” (Oh yeah!) announced the yellow rodent, hugging Ash’s leg. Misty observed them with some worry.
“You think Ash is hunky, Pikachu?” Pikachu sweatdropped.
“Pika pi pi.” (In a platonic way, of course.) Misty scowled. She worried sometimes. Ash seemed to be oblivious to what they were talking about and was still rambling on, in traditional annoyingness, about how he was going to be the greatest Pokemon master ever. Tracy was walking along beside them in silence, which to Misty was a good thing. He had the most annoying voice. At the moment he had his head bent over his sketchbook. Probably drawing porn, she thought, oh well, as long as it’s not of me, if it shuts him up, I don’t care.
It wasn’t until Misty heard some familiar music seemingly coming from nowhere that Misty’ s attention actually returned. And then she really wished it hadn’t because Ash had started singing a very familiar song, with unexplained backing singers, a band and highly twisted lyrics.
“I’m gonna be a master soon,
With lots of pokemon!”
She suddenly had the urge to counter him.
“ Well I’ve never heard a single thing,
That sounded more plain wrong.”
“I’m gonna whoop the Orange League
Like no one has before.”
Ash jumped onto the roof of a nearby police car and began dancing like a loon.
“My Pikachu can thunder shock,
And Charizard can ROAR!”
Misty looked on in disturbance.
“Thus far this song just makes me want to bawl.”
“Oh, I just can’t wait to catch ‘em all!”
“No one sayin’ ‘do this!’”
“Now when have I ever said that?”
“No one sayin’ ‘be there!’”
“But I didn’t say…”
“No one sayin’ ‘stop that!’”
“Well, I think you should.”
“No one sayin’ ‘see here!’”
“Now see here!”
“People doin’ everything I say!
We’re gonna do life my way!”
Getting angry Misty went over to Ash.
“I think it’s time that you shut up,
Or I’ll take you apart.”
“I won’t need advise from
From carrot heads then for a start!”
“If this is where the world is headed,
You can count me out.
If you’re the greatest master,
I wouldn’t hang about.
Maybe I’ll give Gary Oak a call…”
“Oh, I just can’t wait to catch ’em all!”
He began jumping around like a maniac.
“Everybody look left!
Everybody look right!
Everywhere you look I…
Stand in spotlight!”
“I bloody well hope not.”
Suddenly random backing singers began to join in.
“We don’t have a clue what’s happening!
We just got the urge to dance and sing!
We need to fill this verse so blah bling bling!”
Suddenly all the random backing singers and Ash began to stand on top of each other in a huge random tower in the middle of the road.
“Oh I just can’t wait to catch ‘em all!
“Oh I just can’t wait to catch ‘em all!
“Oh I just can’t waaaaaaiiiiiiiit….to catch ‘em aaaaaaaallll!”
As the song came to an end everyone fell over and realised they had caused a huge traffic jam.
“What the hell?” asked a confused Officer Jenny. Ash looked around, bewildered (not uncommon, I know).
“Huh?”
“What just happened?” asked Misty.
“Oooh, look! A large vehicle coming right towards me!” exclaimed Tracy, “I’ve gotta sketch it!” Misty observed a large heavy double decker bus heading straight towards Tracy who was standing like a moron in the middle of the road.
“To save or not to save? That is the question,” said Misty to herself, “ah, the moron’s an asshole. It’s his own stupid fault if he dies.” She watched in slow motion as the huge bus (that incidentally had a manic looking female driver and a huge poster along the side reading “Gus’s Buses”) ploughed towards the stupid “watcher” in the gay head band. Well actually it did look quite good on James when Team Rocket dressed up as a news crew during the Indigo League games, but Tracy just looks stupid (in the head band, not with a bus ploughing into him, although he looks stupid then too). Unfortunately Officer Jenny pulled him out of the way in time to stop him from being hit. Darn.
“Are you stupid? Don’t you know you could have got yourself killed?” she yelled, but Tracy was too busy sketching her breasts to comment. Stupid pervert. Groaning, Officer Jenny went over to Misty.
“Can you tell me what just happened?” she asked desperately.
“It was really weird. I know this sounds crazy but…my “friends” and I were just walking along when all of a sudden there was an invisible orchestra and backing music and everyone just burst into song. It was like we were under some kind of spell. You probably think I’m nuts…” Officer Jenny shook her head.
“Well normally I would have taken you to get your head checked out, but over the past 12 hours or so, we’ve had reports all over the Orange Islands of people just randomly doing song and dance numbers. We get some weirdoes around here, but these are just your average people. It’s completely unexplained. It feels so natural to everyone, it’s like they’ve been possessed by the spirits of the cast of Grease. Then afterwards they have no idea why they were singing.”
“That is strange.”
“Well, if you need any help. We’d be glad to lend a hand, wouldn’t we Pikachu?” butted in Ash. Misty, who was not particularly in the mood to be aiding a police investigation, groaned inwardly. Why couldn’t he just keep his big mouth shut?
“Oh no, I’m sure Officer Jenny wouldn’t want a bunch of kids getting in the way, Ash,” said Misty through gritted teeth.
“Actually, we could use all the help we can get,” said Officer Jenny, “if it wouldn’t be too much trouble, we’d be glad to have your help.”
“Sure, no problem,” said Misty, trying to sound sincere and telling herself that she would throttle Ash later.
***
Team Rocket were heading into town. They knew this was possibly a dangerous thing to do, but they needed to know if the singing was happening to anyone else. If it was just them, they had no idea what to do, if it was everyone…they still had no idea what to do. However, as an extra precaution, they were not wearing their Team Rocket uniforms, well they were, just not their jumpers. It’s odd how no one recognised them no matter how obvious they were.
Earlier, Jessie had told them how she had burst into an extremely dodgy song, and how she had said things she didn’t think were at all appropriate for a kids programme at which point they had all agreed that the singing thing was not good.
“So, do ya tink dere’s a way we can avoid de singin’?” asked Meowth, “like maybe… a patch, like when you try ta give up cigarettes?”
“Oh yeah, Meowth, I’m sure they’ll sell an anti-singing patch at the local chemist,” said Jessie sarcastically.
“I doubt the people of the world have ever needed to resist the urge to sing,” mused James, although there are plenty of other things I have to resist the urge to do, he added mentally, giving a side long look at Jessie.
“Well, we do now,” said Jessie, “come on. Let’s get moving.”
***
They arrived in town to find themselves surrounded by random singing people. The noise was quite maddening really, and the sights were just plain scary. If not a group of young male strippers singing a rip off of I’m too sexy for my shirt, it was a frisky Russian woman, who looked rather hefty to say the least, bawling something about the “power of porn”. She approached James, and, to his disturbance tried to pull his trousers down, but then fell unconscious to the floor having appeared to have had a few too many.
“That song is like the Mariah Carey take off at the end of a sequel to a movie I missed…” said James.
“Whatever you say, Jimmy,” said Meowth. Jessie, who was looking more worried by the minute, finally cracked.
“Okay, is anyone else severely freaked out?!” she shrieked, “WHY IS EVERYONE SINGING AND DANCING?!”
“That’s what we’d like to know,” came a familiar voice from behind them.
“AAAAAAAHHHHH!!!” screamed Jessie and James jumping into each other’s arms (in the most platonic way possible), “OFFICER JENNY!!!”
“Am I really that frightening?” she asked, a little disturbed.
“Nah,” supplied Meowth, “They just like to find any excuse to “platonically” feel each other up.” At this Jessie and James both turned bright red.
“Do not!” both yelled in unison.
“Officer Jennys wield the power of the law!” announced Jessie, a little too forcefully.
“Yeah,” agreed James, “that’s mighty frightening.”
“Right…” said Officer Jenny, confused that the cat could talk, but not sure whether she should say anything, “well, I don’t know about that but you seem to have experienced some of this musical madness first hand. Any information you could give me would be extremely helpful. At the moment we’ve heard every explanation under the sun, from unknown infectious mental diseases to bunnies.”
“What’s a bunny?” asked the three confused rockets.
“I have no idea.”
“Oh.”
“So, if you could describe to me what happened before, during and after the event, that would be great.”
“Well, it was a dark and stormy night…” began James.
“No, it wasn’t,” said Jessie.
“I know, but it adds dramatic effect to the story.”
“Excuse me, but when you’re dealing with the law you’re required to speak the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth,” cut in Officer Jenny.
“Oh, sorry,” said James, continuing, “well, we’d just washed up on shore after a near death experience when the narrator had turmoil in the right brain and caused us to wear slinky white bikinis…” (Hedrick: Did I pass that? I don’t remember thinking that. It was you again wasn’t it, Roy? Now don’t give me that. *scuffle, beep, scuffle* Roy: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! No, not my gumdrop buttons! Okay, okay, just don’t hurt me!)
………^_~…0_0….
“…after a near death experience. We decided we’d better find a place to camp so we headed for the forest. We were all sitting round the campfire when suddenly we heard music, from an invisible source. Then suddenly we all had the urge to dance and sing like loonies to a shameful rip off Olivia Newton John’s number from Grease.”
“I see, and did you feel at all faint or have moments where you couldn’t remember anything?” asked the Officer.
“Nope.”
“Well, I really don’t know what to think,” she said, “I think maybe you should come down to the station and we’ll see if we can get a statement sorted out…”
“St-st-station?” jittered Jessie and James, hugging in fear (platonically).
“Yes, if that’s okay with you.” Meowth, trying to cover for their lack of subtlety, took over.
“Dat oughtta be fine,” he said, shooting a look at Jessie and James, “just fine.”
***
“In the summertime when
The weather is high
You can stretch right up
And touch the sky
When the weather is fine
You've got women
You've got women
On your mind!”
“I wonder if this gun is loaded…” mused Misty after having been forced to stay in a room with Tracy singing. Believe me, even I (the patronisingly cheery and optimistic one) would have been reaching for a gun after being subjected to this. Ash and Pikachu had retreated into a nearby cupboard and were apparently “playing I spy”. Spying what? was what Misty wanted to know, or, on second thoughts, didn’t.
Just in time to stop her from committing suicide however, Officer Jenny walked into the room closely followed by some strangely familiar people. It was odd. The sense of déja-vu was overwhelming. If she could just place it.
“So, Jessie, James, if you’d just wait here a moment,” said Officer Jenny. Odd, they have exactly the same names as Team Rocket, and a Meowth, what a coincidence, thought Misty. Sometimes the stupidity of the twerps is just marvellous.
Officer Jenny left the room and when Jessie and James saw who was in the room with them, they jumped into each other’s arms (platonically).
“It’s the twerps!” they cried.
Misty was overcome with a sense of familiarity.
“You don’t have a sister, do you?” she asked Jessie. Jessie face faulted.
“Hey, Tracy. Don’t they seem familiar to you?” asked Misty.
“Oh no. I’ve never seen a pair so unique,” announced Tracy from behind his sketchbook, busy drawing… a new specimen that had entered the room. James noticed just what he seemed to be drawing and a vein popped on his head.
“Hey!” he said, jumping over to Tracy and snatching the sketchbook from him, “Only I can draw Jessie’s… specimens.”
He promptly received a blow to the head.
“James! We’re supposed to do the motto now!”
“But, Jessie! Didn’t you see what he was doing?!”
“We’re supposed to ignore that kind of thing, remember?!” she yelled, “This is a kids’ programme!”
“Oh yeah… I WANT A DOUGHNUT!!!”
Suddenly…
“It’s a little bit funny, this feelin’ inside!
I’m not one of those who can easily hide!
I don’t have much money, but, oh, if I did,
I’d buy a big frying pan to whack you with!”
It was kum bah yah yah time again, and Jessie pulled out a frying pan and began whacking James repeatedly until the beat changed. Then…
“R-E-S-P-E-C-T! Won’t you please stop whacking me?!
R-E-S-P-E-C-T! Keep that thing away from me!
Woah! Just a little bit-! Just a little bit-!
Just a little bit-! Just a little bit-!”
James was actually standing up to Jessie. Realising she was being a little mean, she changed her tune (Heh, changed her tune! Get it? She changed her…. Oh never mind)…
“Oops!...I did it again
I whacked you real hard,
Got lost in the game.
Oh, baby, baby.
Oops!… I messed up your hair,
And you think I don’t care.
I’m just not innocent.”
Next, to James as their eyes locked…
“I’d rather be liberated, I find myself captivated.
Stop, doin’ what you…keep doin’ to me-!”
Then Jessie, realising where things were suddenly going…
“Why’d you have to go and make things so complicated?
And see the way you’re whining for a doughnut constantly makes me frustrated!
And don’t you know that,
When I whack, and I smack,
And you crack that I’m only hidin’
, All the things I really feel for you deep down inside in-,
Inside my heart.”
Well things were on a roll, was this James’ moment?
“It’s a little bit funny, this feelin’ inside!
I’ve spent so long only, trying to hide!”
He got down on one knee and took her hand.
“Just how to tell you, just how to tell you, I don’t have a clue,
This feelin’ I’m hidin’ is that I-.”
“R-E-S-P-E-C-T! You don’t know what you do to me!
R-E-S-P-E-C-T! Don’t know what you do to me!”
Darn, sorry folks.
“Stop right now! Don’t you understand?
Things are really starting to get out of hand.
Hey you! This song is getting glum
. Gotta pick it up, baby, gotta have some fun!”
They began to dance as Jessie took up the next verse.
“I’d rather stay bold and lonely, I dream I’m your one and only…
Stop, doin’ what you…keep doin’ to me!”
Back to James…
“What can I do to make you love me?
What can I do to make you care?”
Ball in Jessie’s court (could be very wrongly misinterpreted, but still…)
“If you wanna be my lover…”
If you were wondering, yes, I’ve lost my marbles, but never fear!
“Too much Girl Power is bad enough,
Now somethin’s comin over me to make me tell you,
No more of the Spice Girls,
I’m not a puff. Just tell me straight,
What can I do to make you love me?”
Well, yay! We finally have it in James’ own words! He’s not a puff!** This got Jessie’s attention.
“Do you love me?
Will you love me forever?
Do you need me?
Will you never leave me?
Will you make me so happy for the rest of my life?
Will you take me away and will you make me your wife?
I need to know right now! Before we go any further!
Do you love me?!
Will you love me forever?”
What to do, what to say…
“L…l…l…let me sleep on it.
Baby, baby let me sleep on it.
Let me sleep on it! I’ll give you an answer in the morning.”
But Jessie wasn’t having this. (By the way… I apologise profusely for ripping off Meatloaf (the master) but it fit so well…)
“I need to know right now!
Do you love me? Will you love me forever?
Do you need me? Will you never leave me?
Will you make me so happy for the rest of my life?
Will you take me away, and will you make me your wife?
I wanna know right now!
Before we go any further, do you love me?!
Will you love me forever?”
Well this is a lot better than “I just can’t wait to catch ‘em all”, thought Misty, it’s got more suspense than Friends!
“Let me sleep on it.”
There appeared to be some kind of musical argument going on here. Ooh, I know this! It’s antiphony!
“Will you love me forever?”
“Let me sleep on it!”
“Will you love me forever?”
Drum roll for the moment of truth… oh I can’t look!
“Oh, I-I-I will always love you!”
Jessie looked at James in astonishment. Suddenly they were in each other’s arms. Then she picked up the music to make her response.
“And I-I-I will love you too!”
Things suddenly got slightly scary for them, as they realised that everything they had just done had been influenced through some kind of weird song and dance possession.
“Things are getting strange I’m starting to worry…
This could be a case for Mulder and Scully…
Oh well… They turned to look lovingly into each other’s eyes.
“Come what may! I will love you,
Until my dying day!!!!!!!!”
And the curtains fell as the new couple shared a passionate kiss (non- platonically).
***
Well, I’m sure everyone would like me to say that’s the end of the story…but it’s not. MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!! (:P)
***
Well, Misty was given sufficient entertainment for the next five minutes, trying to figure out where Jessie ended and James began. Meowth, who had at first been extremely happy for his friends had now lost all interest and was searching for shiny things. Tracy on the other hand, well, I think I’ll leave it to you to decide what Tracy was doing.
In his search for shiny things, Meowth found himself at the cupboard, he opened the doors and was stricken dumb.
“Oooh, Pikachu. Shock me with your thunder!” came Ash’s voice, before they realised the door was now open and they fell out.
Jessie and James, shocked (he he…see what I did there? Shocked… They were… oh never mind) beyond the capacity of their minds, finally broke away from each other and stared in disturbance at Ash and Pikachu.
“Pika?” (What?)
“I hope to God that was just mass-misinterpretation,” prayed Jessie flinging herself into James arms, no longer bothering to appear as platonic as possible.
“I hope God is moiciful ta members of crime organisations,” said Meowth. Ash just looked at everyone stupidly (no change there), and Pikachu’s cheeks were all ready red so there was no telling as to whether they would have been turning red if they hadn’t been.
“Seeing as this a programme for ten-year-old kids, let’s all just ignore this and act like nothing dodgy can be interpreted. That way maybe it will get by the U.S censors (in our proverbial dreams),” announced Misty.
“Actually, seeing as this is fanfiction, the narrator can do whatever she wants and it will never be aired,” said James.
“I hope to God she didn’t find the sugar,” groaned Jessie, who appeared to be having a religious moment.
“Somebody save us!” cried Meowth.
Suddenly…
Is it a bird? Is it a plane? No, it’s… SUPER BROCK!!!
The music to the Lord of the Dance proceeded to burst from invisible speakers as Super Brock emerged in a tight leather male cat suit in the style of Justin Hawkins from the Darkness. Tap dancing away as his cheerleaders (who had conveniently appeared from no where) screamed to the effect of an audience of 50, 000 people. Suddenly the music began to change rhythm and (OH GOD NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!) the opening music to Enrique Iglesias’ Hero began to play.
“I can be your hero, baby!
I can sing away the pain!
I can stand by you forever…”
“NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!” screamed everyone in the room. Super Brock was momentarily perturbed, but then carried on.
“I can blow this plot away!”
“Can you?” demanded Jessie.
“Well, ur… I can shoot laser beams!”
“Brock! What happened to you!?” cried Misty, “You look…(she wanted to say sexy, but the censors and the strange crush on Ash that the obscene writers had given her prevented her from doing this)… different.”
“Hey you’re lasers aren’t going to do anything around here,” said Jessie, “seeing as so far we’ve found nothing to shoot at. Aren’t super heroes supposed to save the day?”
“Yeah,” said Meowth.
“Yes, I thought so too,” said Super Brock looking disappointed, “That’s odd.”
“Well, it’s ‘cause you’re in de wrong fic, buddy,” Meowth pointed out.
“Oh, darn. That explains why I had that strange sense of shifting realities, and also why Buffy hasn’t turned up and ripped her clothes off…”
“Okay, I think we’ve heard enough,” said James, “maybe you should go back to your other…reality?”
“Uh…yeah, maybe I should. Oh well, all is not lost. This will give me chance to use my new, large and shiny jet packs!” Everybody looked at him in shocked horror.
“What?” he asked.
“This is the realm of extreme misinterpretation,” said Jessie, “created by the queen of extreme misinterpretation. Never say anything that could be extremely misinterpreted!” Brock looked slightly confused, and then sighed.
“Well I guess I’ll just charge up my jets and get ready for lift off!” he announced, as he concentrated very hard.
“NOOOOO!!!” cried everyone in the room. Super Brock momentarily losing concentration, opened his eyes, and “accidentally” fired his laser at Tracy’s head. Tracy fell unconscious to the floor. (YAY! GO SUPER BROCK!)
“Oops… lost concentration there. Oh well, he’ll come out of a coma in a few years,” he said, before taking lift off.
“NOOOOOOOOO!!!”
He looked confused then rose from the floor as jets appeared from his back and fired up. He then bonked his head on the ceiling and fell to the ground.
“Darn. Forgot about that,” said Super Brock, “Oh well, guess I’ll just have to use “suction force”.”
“NOOOOOOO!!!” screamed everyone.
“Oh give it a break,” moaned Super Brock, flicking a random switch on his arm. With this, he and all his cheerleaders conveniently got sucked through the window, along with Tracy. (HEHEHEHEHEHE!!! Bye bye, sucker!)
Everybody ran to the window to see where he had gone, but Super Brock had vanished without trace.
“He’s gone,” said Ash. (Duh…)
“I wonder where he went,” said Misty, in a bit of a love trance.
Suddenly Tracey’s head popped up from the bush under the window.
“You talking about me?” he asked.
“AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!” screamed everybody, running for cover. Jessie and James both tried to hide beneath each other but ended up in an extremely non-platonic pile on the floor.
Tracey climbed back through the window and rejoined them, much to everyone else’s dismay. Trying to ignore his presence, Jessie and James looked at each other. Jessie gave James a quirky smile, and all those pent up feelings could no longer be contained as things became just a little more than a snogging fest (but not “all the way”, just in case you were wondering. Ick, the thought of them doing that in front of Tracey is truly disturbing, and Ash and Pikachu, the “best friends”, for that matter).
Suddenly the door burst open and Officer Jenny entered the room, followed by the aforementioned large, frisky Russian woman.
“AAAAAAAHHHH!!!” screamed everyone excepting Jessie and James, who were too busy snogging.
“This woman has some interesting information for us,” said Officer Jenny, ignoring the screams of terror.
“So shouldn’t you have a private recorded interview with her? That’s what they do on all the other TV programmes,” asked Misty.
“Are the police stations on all the other programmes run by blue haired, male chauvinist ideas of women wearing short skirts who are all incidentally identical?”
“Well, no…”
“Exactly. And seeing as you’re helping out with the investigation I think you should be here to hear what she has to say.” Jessie and James, who appeared to have been put off snogging for the time being, piped up.
“Hey! Nobody said anything about helping in an investigation!” cried Jessie.
“Yeah, we were told we only had to give statements,” added James.
“You’re here now aren’t you?” asked Jenny in a patronising voice.
“Yes?”
“And you want to be able to stop yourselves from bursting into song every waking moment of the day don’t you?”
“Yes?”
“Then, shut up!”
Jessie and James pouted in synchronization. Officer Jenny and the frisky Russian woman seated themselves at a table that appeared to have appeared from nowhere. Tracey moved closer and began “observing” from over his sketchbook.
“So what did you say your name was?” asked Officer Jenny.
“Frida,” came the frisky Russian woman’s deep, thick accented reply.
“Frida…” echoed Officer Jenny, “Sir name?”
“Balls.” At this every other person in the room broke into a grimace aside from Tracey that is, who appeared to be somewhat attracted to… Frida Balls.
“You know, that’s a very pretty name,” he said, taking her hands in his, “Would you care to pose naked for me some time?” At this, Frida, delivered a heavy full pelted karate chop to his groin then proceeded to pick him up and throw him out the window.
“WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!” he squealed.
“Good riddance to bad rubbish,” said Frida as they all observed him flying halfway across town.
“We wish,” said Misty, “thanks for trying, but if throwing him out the window was enough to get rid of him we would have done it eons ago.”
“Well, if he does come back, I’ll give him something to stick around for.” Misty smiled.
“I like the sound of that.” Though Officer Jenny was an enforcer of the law, and what she had just observed Frida doing, she was sure, was quite illegal, she decided that Tracey had it coming to him, and so, did what every other self respecting member of the social services would have done, and turned a blind eye.
“So… Frida, what was it you had to tell us?” Frida grinned at her slyly, then suddenly, to everyone’s horror, music began to play, and Frida began to sing…
“Ask any of the chickies in my pen
They'll tell you I'm the biggest mother hen
I love 'em all and all of them love me
Because the system works
The system called reciprocity...
“Got a little motto
Always sees me through
When you're good to Mama
Mama's good to you.
“There's a lot of favours
I'm prepared to do
You do one for Mama
She'll do one for you.
“They say that life is tit for tat
And that's the way I live
So, I deserve a lot of tat
For what I've got to give
Don't you know that this hand
Washes that one too
When you're good to Mama
Mama's good to you!
“If you want my gravy
Pepper my ragout
Spice it up for Mama
She'll get hot for you
“When they pass that basket
Folks contribute to
You out in for Mama She'll put out for you
“The folks atop the ladder
Are the ones the world adores
So boost me up my ladder, Kid
And I'll boost you up yours
“Let's all stroke together
Like the Princeton crew
When you're strokin' Mama
Mama's strokin' you
“So what's the one conclusion
I can bring this number to?
When you're good to Mama
Mama's good to you!”
Everyone looked at her blankly.
“So what…you want us to pay you?” asked Officer Jenny.
“In a manner of speaking,” she glanced over at James on whom Jessie happened to be sitting, “I was going to ask for an afternoon with that hottie over there, but he seems to be taken.”
“Damn right he is,” said Jessie defensively, standing between them like a prowling lioness. James beamed up at her happily.
“Okay, okay, well, I guess I’ll settle for money… a girl has to eat, you know.”
“Fine,” sighed Officer Jenny, laying down a pile of notes, “normally I wouldn’t, but right now the only suspect causes we have are bunnies.”
“Aaah.”
“You know what one is?” Frida looked around nervously.
“Er…no. Why would you ever think that? I’ve never in my life seen something short, fluffy and frightening that could possibly be described as a bunny.” Jenny looked at her. Puzzled for a moment…then decided not to ask.
“So are you going to spill or what?”
“Well,” began Frida, “I have a… source, who tells me, that there may be a rogue psychic, living in the caves on the coast of this very island. The story has it that this psychic uses their powers to grant people’s wishes. But there is one problem; the wishes are always granted in a roundabout way that lead to disaster, and sometimes, this psychic doesn’t even make her or his presence known when the wish is made.”
“What a woman!” came a familiar voice from the window.
“Oh good Lord,” moaned everyone simultaneously as Tracey climbed back through the window for the second time that day.
However, much to everyone’s surprise, Frida jumped him, wrestled him to the floor and put a foot to his groin before he could move. Officer Jenny appeared to be preoccupied with a highly interesting fingernail.
“You give me a reason, ie: walking, talking or in anyway bugging any of us and you will regret it for the rest of your very short life.” Tracy gulped.
“Yes, ma’am.”
“Good. Now bugger off into a corner somewhere.” He did so.
As if nothing had happened, Officer Jenny began talking again.
“So what you’re saying is that there’s a dangerously powerful criminal around and the police don’t even know about him?”
“I’m not at all certain it is a male. It is much more common for females to be able to fathom that kind of psychic power. As for the police not knowing about this. So far this rogue has only travelled in Johto. From what I gather you’re communications with that region are somewhat lacking. I only know this because a…sister of mine lives over there and has had experience.”
“I suppose you’re right. We very rarely find the need to pass information to and from Johto. It just hasn’t ever been found necessary.”
“Were these wishes, these ones that were made in other cases…ever reversed?” asked Misty, a little worried.
“Apparently the efforts of having to instil the wishes in reality forever was too much for this psychic and eventually the effects wore off.” Everyone breathed a sigh of relief, but Misty just had to ask.
“How long is eventually?”
“Well…” Frida was reluctant to answer, “some have worn off within around two years… others… have been around 20 years and counting.”
“What?!” shrieked Misty.
“Dat ain’t acceptable! Dere’s a ticking time bomb before dese two start boogyin’ ta Sex on de Beach. And I tink ya can guess what de dance moves ‘d be,” groaned Meowth, looking nigh on terrified. He motioned towards Jessie and James who were looking quite intrigued at this proposition and were beginning to think that all this singin wasn’t so bad after all.
“Thank you for that much wanted visual, Meowth,” said Misty, “but he has a point. I mean…it would be even worse if…said song was sung by… a certain wannabe pokemon master and his furry yellow friend.”
“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!” screamed everyone in the room excluding Ash and Pikachu who didn’t get it.
“We have to stop this!” screamed Jessie.
“Yeah! Think of all the crappy songs that have ever existed! We could be singing them, powerless to stop it!” moaned James.
“Ok… so you said this psychic. She…presuming it is a she…is living in the caves of this island?” asked the officer.
“Yes. From what I’ve heard,” answered Frida.
“Right. I have a plan,” as this was said some of that drum beaty inspirational music played whenever someone has a plan coincidentally struck up from nowhere, “We all go to the caves and split up into groups. We need to search for this psychic and we’ll cover more ground if we’re in separated groups. Frida, thank you for your information; you’ve been exceedingly helpful. If you have any further information we’d be very grateful for your help. Gang, let’s go.”
Everyone was ominously silent as Frida left the building. Some tumbleweed blew by in the wind, which apparently came from nowhere. Jenny rolled her eyes.
“I said: gang, let’s go!” Everyone remained where they were.
“Gang?” inquired Jessie.
“We’re your gang?” asked James. Jenny groaned.
“Oh for God’s sake, let’s just go!”
And they did.
***
“So…what do we do when we actually find this super powerful, deadly psychic person?” asked Jessie.
“Beg for mercy?” asked James.
“Or maybe we can just ask very nicely if she would revoise de spell.”
“This is a stupid plan,” said James.
“Ya tink?” asked Meowth.
They were wondering through the west caves “searching” for the psychic, although they appeared to be moving in a suspiciously circular shape.
“Why do we always get dragged into this stuff?” groaned Jessie.
“I guess it’s just our luck,” said James.
“Yeah, tough luck. You know, if we could just get some good luck for a change we could have caught that Pikachu years ago and have actually aged some in the last few years, instead of conveniently staying exactly the same. Plus we could have become millionaires and bought a mansion and be living the high life.”
James looked at her and took her hand.
“Yeah, well you know, Jess, being a millionaire isn’t all it’s cut out to be.” She suddenly remembered that James had been a millionaire… and it hadn’t been all peaches and cream for him. She sighed.
“I guess you’re right, James.”
“Yeah, Jess. We’re fine, just as long as we’re together.” He took her hand and kissed it, and she smiled up at him or at him seeing as they’re more or less exactly the same height. Meowth, having suspected that inspirational opening music was round the corner, had stayed clear of the conversation. He was right. Suddenly it was retro pastiche time, and Jessie and James were high society…
“Who wants to be a millionaire?” sang Jessie.
“I don’t,” replied James in scary Bing Crosby style. (I never got his name. Fancy being called Bing…)
“Have flashy flunkeys everywhere?” (What the hell is a flunkey?)
“I don't.” (No, don’t think I would either.)
“Who wants the bother of a country estate?” Suddenly they began waltzing around the cave like a bunch of possessed ballroom dancers.
“A country estate is something I'd hate!”
“Who wants to wallow in champagne?”
“I don't.” (Must me be crazy.)
“Who wants a supersonic plane?”
“I don't.”
“Who wants a marble swimming pool too?”
“I don't.” All together now!
“And I don't `cause all I want is you.”
“Who wants to be a millionaire?” sang James.
“I don't.”
“Who wants uranium to spare?”(Urm…nobody…)
“I don't.”
“Who wants to journey on a gigantic yacht?”
“Do I want a yacht? Oh, how I do not!”(Who wants a yacht when you can have a speed boat!)
“Who wants a fancy foreign car?”
“I don't.”
“Who wants to tire of caviar?”(Ick…fish eggs)
“I don't”
“Who wants a private landing field too?”
“I don't.” All together now!
“And I don't `cause all I want is you.” They ended with James dipping Jessie to the ground. When they came to their senses however, they attempted to jump into each others arms in horror, lost their balance and fell in yet another non-platonic pile on the floor. Meowth tried to knock himself out by whacking himself over the head but only succeeded in causing himself a headache.
Suddenly…
“MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!” A scary evil (and exceedingly masculine) laugh echoed around the cave.
“AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!” screamed Team Rocket. Jessie and James clung to each other like limpets (…woah…weird image there). Meowth tried to scramble in between them but ended up having to cling to them one of their legs great difficulty. A strangely cat like shaped form descended from the shadows of the cave roof.
“So we meet again.”
“We’ve met?” asked Jessie.
“Y-y-you’re not a woman!” announced James. (Hate to say this to you, gorgeous, but duh…)
Mewtwo (dun dun duh!!! Gasp! Oh my God!!!!!!!) moved into the (vague) light.
“No, as you can see, I am clearly not.”
“This is like the sequel to a movie I missed…” said James.
“You’re not s’posed ta say dat ‘til de official sequel ta de movie ya missed, Jimmy.”
“Oh,” said James, looking confused.
“So are you the one that’s been making us all go Rodgers and Hammerstein on each other?” asked Jessie.
“Well… I wasn’t the one that made the wish… but yes…I suppose it is my power that is fuelling your… expressions…”
Suddenly…
**FLASHBACK**
“We need ta express ourselves more. Take de time to make our feelin’s known,” continued Meowth who appeared to be experiencing an epiphany of philosophy. Ignoring him, Jessie brought out her compact mirror and examined her face critically, wincing at the scratch marks and glaring at the cat.
“I wish people would express themselves more, if that’s what it takes to stop my face from being destroyed every five seconds,” growled Jessie, irritated.
**FLASHBACK OVER**
“Oh no…”groaned Jessie putting her head into her hands.
“That was very cheap!” said James, jumping to her defence, “she didn’t even know you were there. None of us did!”
“Have you never heard the phrase: be careful what you wish for?”
“Well can ya revoise it?!” cried Meowth.
“Now why would I do that?”
“Why would you do it in the first place?!” shrieked Jessie, “Don’t you find it mightily disturbing?!”
“Actually I find it exceedingly entertaining. And you can’t say you aren’t quite happy with some of its effects…you two would have continued being “best friends” for nigh on years if it weren’t for your medley number.”
“Well, yes, thank you… that was the one good thing that came out of this whole mentally scarring scenario!” said James.
“Please! Can’t you just reverse it?”
“Well I suppose I could just make it so the whole thing never happened, if that’s what you really want?”
“NO!” cried Jessie and James jumping into each other’s arms.
“We want things to stay as they are now…just without the singing,” said Jessie.
“But I got the impression you liked… performing,” he said, grinning as he brought his paws/hands together forming a ball of bright psychic energy and sending it hurtling towards Jessie and James.
Suddenly…
They were no longer in a cave but in a strangely decorated hall. James was standing at the entrance in a dark cape with a black Afro wig on. Thick red lipstick and eye make up including dark eye shadow completed the attire. Jessie stood at the opposite end by some kind of throne. She was now wearing an extremely short-skirted maid’s outfit and fishnet tights with ridiculous amounts of eye make up and lipstick. Both momentarily looked horrified before the music struck up and their bodies were taken over with the urge to “perform”. Some random people (a woman and man) stood in front of James…or Frank-N- Furter.
“How d'you do, I see you've met my faithful handyman
He's just a little brought down because when you knocked
He thought you were the candyman.
Don't get strung out by the way that I look,
Don't judge a book by its cover
I'm not much of a man by the light of day,
But by night I'm one hell of a lover!” sang James/Frank-N-Furter who then proceeded to strut down the hall and throw off his cloak to reveal his “outfit”… corset, panties, hold-ups, stockings, stilettos… and just to top it off a pearl necklace. AS he sang he began to “dance”.
“I'm just a Sweet Transvestite from Transexual, Transylvania.”
“So let me show you around, maybe play you a sound
You look like you're both pretty groovy
Or if you want something visual that's not too abysmal
We could take in an old Steve Reeves movie.”
The random guy came up to him and began to yammer on.
“I'm glad we caught you at home, could we use your phone?
We're both in a bit of a hurry.
We'll just say where we are, then go back to the car
We don't want to be any worry.”
Now it was James/Frank-N-Furter’s turn.
“So you got caught with a flat, well, how about that?
Well babies, don't you panic
. By the light of the night when it all seems alright
I'll get you a satanic mechanic.”
He strutted over to his throne like chair and began dancing in front of it.
“I'm just a Sweet Transvestite from Transexual, Transylvania.”
He then threw himself down on the throne with his legs over the arm and Jessie and some other random people hanging over him.
“So why don't you stay for the night? (Night)Or maybe a bite? (Bite)”
Jessie and the other random people echoed his words.
“I could show you my favourite obsession.
I've been making a man with blond hair and a tan
And he's good for relieving my tension.”
“I'm just a Sweet Transvestite from Transexual, Transylvania.”
He got up and began strutting off to the entrance again.
“So come up to the lab. And see what's on the slab.
I see you shiver with antici... pation!
But maybe the rain isn't really to blame
So I'll remove the cause, but not the symptom.”
“Maybe not.”
Suddenly everything was back to normal. It took Jessie and James a moment to realise this before they were running around madly in disturbance.
“AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!” they screeched.
“NO! NO! NO! NO! NO!” cried James, “He made me into Frank-N-Furter out of the Rocky Horror Show!”
“PLEASE! You have to stop it! It’s just getting worse and worse! You can’t tell me you’re entertained by that!” screamed Jessie in despair.
“HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!” came a manic sounding, but different, laugh from the other side of the cave. Jessie, James and Meowth turned to see Frida Balls standing by the far cave wall.
“You imbeciles make great entertainment!” came “her” now especially masculine, British, very familiar sounding voice. It is fair to say that Jess, Jim and Meowth were confused.
“Gio! Wazzup! Didn’t know you were here yet!” came Mewtwo’s surprisingly friendly psychic voice. “Frida” removed “her” wig to reveal someone very familiar…
Suddenly, a load of random and strange creatures that looked phenomenally like Muppets in Team Rocket uniforms appeared. Then the music struck up as they began to sing and dance:
“When a cold wind blows it chills you,
Chills you to the bone
But there's nothin' in nature that freezes your heart
Like He and bein' alone
Its pinks you with indifference,
Like a lady pinks with gloss
And the worst of the worst,
The most hated and cursed
Is the one that we call Boss
Un kind as any,
And the wrath of many,
Giovanni is our boss
” Altogether now!
“ OH! There goes Mr. Humbug,
There goes mister grim”
“ If they gave a prize for bein' mean
The winner would be him
Old Gio loves his money
Cause he thinks it gives him power
If he became a flavor, you can bet he would be sour
(Even the vegetables don't like him!”
Altogether!
“There goes mister stingy
There goes mister greed”
“Hes the undisputed master of the under-handed deed
He underpays his workers ‘cause he thinks they all are louses
Us poor folk live in misery
Its even worse for mouses. ” At this some random mice appeared.
“Please sir, I want some cheese” begged on of the random mice of Gio, who ignored it. Meany
Suddenly a choir of old lady women’s institute Muppets appeared and began singing.
“He must be so lonely
He must be so sad
He goes to extremes to convince us he’s bad
He’s really a victim of fear and of fright
Look close and there must be a sweet man inside” They all came up to him and scrutinised him very closely.
“Nah. Uh-uh.”
Altogether!
“There goes mister outrage,
There goes mister sneer”
“He’s got no time for friends or fun
His anger makes that clear
Don't ask him for a favor cause his nastiness increases
No crust of bread for those in need.”
“No cheeses for us mices!” sang the random mice.
Suddenly as random bystander wearing a top hat with a strangely shaped nose, and a rat at his side began to talk:
“Gio liked the cold
He was hard and sharp as a flint
Secret and self contained
As solitary as an oyster”
Altogether again! “Oh! There goes mister heartless, There goes mister cruel
He never gives
He only takes
Yes, thats his only rule”
“If being means
A way of life
He practiced and rehearsed
And all that work is payin’ off
Cause Gio’s getting worse!”
Altogether! “Everyday in everyway
Gio’s getting worse!”
“Bah! Humbug! ”said Gio as all the random Muppets disappeared in a poof of smoke. “B-Boss?” asked a disturbed Jessie.
“Yes, it’s me,” then to Mewtwo, “thought I’d surprise you and get a bit of extra out of this while I was at it. How’s it hangin’?”
“Oh…you know… life is good.”
Team Rocket were even more confused.
“…How’s it hangin’?” asked Meowth.
“Oh we got over our little spat and realised that we got on quite well when we weren’t trying to control each other. We play golf sometimes. Mewtwo let’s me win. Then we have drinking nights. Now they are fun. One time…”
“Stop,” ordered Jessie, “what exactly is going on here?”
“Oh that’s right. You erased their memories! Nifty trick, that,” said Giovanni to Mewtwo.
“Yes, I thought so too.”
“Will somebody please explain all this to us?” moaned James, “The boss is Frida? You two are in this together? You randomly caused everyone in the world to burst into song whenever you felt like they should? …I’m so confused.”
“Calm down,” said Mewtwo, holding his palms up, “It’s a TV programme. You’re all on telly!”
“Hello Mum!” said everyone else simultaneously for no apparent reason while waving at the cameras that they couldn’t see (and also did not exist).
“Really?” asked Jessie.
“Well, no, actually you’re all trapped in some extremely crap fanfiction that some weirdo is writing in her spare time,” provided Gio. Thanks.
“Oh.”
“I don’t get it,” said James.
“No, neither do we. And to answer your earlier questions, Frida does exist, but she allows me to use her identity as a cover up. Yes, we are in this together. And we randomly thought we would cause everyone to burst into song because we thought it would be entertaining.”
Jessie , James and Meowth stared at him blankly.
“So, you see,” explained Mewtwo, “this was a very deep and well thought out plot.”
Coming to her senses, Jessie spoke; “Well, now I’m sure you’ve been suitably entertained… do you think…maybe… you could…reverse the wish?”
“Okay,” said Mewtwo, “we’re just going to wait for the twerps and Officer Jenny to arrive so we can stupefy them with our twisted plot… then we’ll leave.”
“Good.”
“FREEZE! Stop in the name of the law!” yelled Officer Jenny, holding up a gun, “You’re under arrest for… plotting to cause everyone to sing and dance without their consent. You have the right to remain silent, but anything you do say maybe used as evidence.”
“This is like being in Columbo… only with a blue haired, cartoon, female police officer…” commented Giovanni.
“Why is the big scary man wearing a dress?” asked Ash to no one in particular.
“Need you ask?” asked Misty, “Aren’t you used to transvestites by now?”
“What’s a transvestite?”
“Oh God…”
“This is getting boring,” commented Giovanni to Mewtwo, “let’s reverse the wish and get out of here.”
“Aren’t ya gonna try and take Pikachu?” asked Meowth.
“Are you kidding? What am I paying you for?” asked Giovanni.
“Not a lot,” muttered James.
“And for that matter… why haven’t you caught him yet? I haven’t had a decent meal in ages.” Everyone stared at him in blank half disturbance.
“Heh…heh… bye bye!”
POOF! They were momentarily surrounded by bright light…then everything went black.
***
It was a sunny day, as always, in the Orange Islands and the twerps were merrily sailing along on some poor random person’s boat, whom they had chosen to bug and inflict their annoyingly moralistic and patronising presence upon! Nothing new there, then.
Again, as always, our heroes, Team Rocket were in hot pursuit, ready to catch that annoying yellow rat, Pikachu, to feed *ahem* I mean, give to the boss so that they could finally abort mission and run for the hopefully not too distant hills…
And so…life goes on…
“Here on this Orange Isle!”
The End.
Wasn’t that the most irritating and confusing ending you ever did read? Yeah, nothing new there then. Suitably disturbed? Love it? Hate it? Email me at free_tree@moosemail.com! Ciao darling!
