Ok, here is a funny, entertaining and most of all INFORMATIVE (tee-hee) speech written by someone who I know as Skip, who I met on Ascifi. Read it, laugh, laugh til you can laugh no more :D...
What foodstuff is consumed in quantities of seven kilograms per person per year in Britain alone? What foodstuff has been the cause of more wars than any other? What foodstuff has been around longer than the Queen Mother, but still tastes good? Chocolate, that’s what.
Yes ladies and gentlemen, today I wish to dedicate my speech to that wondrous ambrosia that is chocolate, made from the amazing plant Theobroma cacao. But how many of you know just how much of an impact it has had on modern society? Well, hopefully we will tell you a little more about it.
6 Million BC - No chocolate. Nobody leaves their cave. Why bother?
5000 BC - Discovery of fire, and also the toasted sandwich.
2560 BC - Egyptians build pyramids. Chocolate lovers plan to make Pyramints.
2000 BC - People in China invent ice cream: no chocolate. Resort to using vanilla. The people revolt and tear down the Great Wall.
1800 BC - Mystical rocks of Stonehenge are shlepped to southern England, honouring the great god ‘Choco’. Druids break their teeth trying to eat them.
753 BC - Romulus and Remus establish Rome! Still no chocolate. Romulus kills Remus because he doesn’t care.
120 BC - Lions at Coliseum stop eating men; insist on chocolate instead.
43 BC - Rome conquers England, in search of chocolate to feed the lions and Emperors. They don’t find any, so Caesar is killed in the Theatre of Pompey.
1066 AD - Norman Conquest of England to gain access to chocolate, apparently they didn’t listen to the Romans.
1100 AD - Dyslexic Aztecs discover chocolatl, start using cocoa beans as money. Economy suffers when people eat their profits, Aztec society fails.
1200-1300 AD - People still hunt for legendary land of Atlantis, in the hope that it contains chocolate. Also, some knight named Lancelot falls in love with Guinivere.
1453 AD - The French end their Hundred Years' War with England, agreeing that neither one nor the other has a secret stash of ferrero rocher which they are hiding from the ambassadors.
1492 AD - Nice Italian boy named Columbus sails to the New World. Go, Christoforo! Unfortunately, he doesn’t find the chocolate yet. Quite surprisingly, his crew mutiny.
1506 AD - Leonardo da Vinci tells Mona Lisa to say "cheese." Mona doesn’t feel much like smiling, if only he had waited thirteen more years!
1519 AD - Hernán Cortés, Spanish adventurer comes to Tenochtitlan in search of gold. Finds legendary treasure of chocolate, kills the Aztecs and takes the chocolate home.
Rich Spaniards suddenly get fatter. Leonardo da Vinci eats chocolate, is overwhelmed and dies. So that’s why he didn’t paint it at this time then. Martin Luther sees the Pope eating chocolate and gets jealous; he starts the Protestant church.
1520 AD - Chocolate on sale in slab form, rich people make houses with them as bricks, not remembering tales of gingerbread houses, and the poor people eat them. Poor people are executed.
1601 AD - Shakespeare’s Hamlet first performed. It wasn’t until after chocolate was discovered that the reason for his depression became apparent.
1608 AD - Landing at Plymouth Rock. Pilgrims eat with Indians, who bring along some risotto, antipasto and a nice Chianti. They don’t bring chocolate, so they don’t last the winter.
1657 AD - Chocolate introduced to England. A cocoa house was opened in London, the Humble Petition and Advice creates the House of Lords, but no one attends as they are all in the Cocoa House. The republic falls and monarchy is later restored.
1776 AD - America demands to be free from England to make its own chocolate. Instigators later travel to what is now Wisconsin. American chocolate proves to be poor, and the Americans subsequently turn out to be neurotic and always visiting psychiatrists about chocolate inadequacy.
1848 AD- Communist Manifesto written. Not a word about chocolate. Communism ultimately fails as a result.
1859 AD - Charles Darwin's "Origin of Species" published. Court case centred around whether monkeys ate chocolate too.
1840 AD - Queen Victoria gets mammoth chocolate bar as a wedding gift. Also, 10 toasters, 35 cake plates and 15 fruit bowls. She really wanted a digital watch.
1903 AD - Wright Brothers succeed with first flight at Kittyhawk. Belgium’s chocolate export plans are looking up.
1908 AD - Henry Ford fed up of walking to the shops for chocolate. Inspired, he builds the Model T.
1937 AD - Stock Market Crash. Men leap out of Wall Street windows, distraught at inability to afford good British, Swiss and Belgian chocolate.
1939-45 AD - World War Two. Switzerland remains strangely neutral… (And sells chocolate to both sides.)
July 20, 1969 AD - Man goes to Moon. Run out of chocolate. Man goes home. Barely managing to survive the trip.
1970 AD - Beatles cross Abbey Road to get some Bourneville. Sweet store is closed; band breaks up. Sad.
1989 AD - Berlin Wall crumbles like a nice Cadbury’s flake.
1991 AD - Brian Adams writes a song devoted to chocolate; ‘Everything I do, I do it for you.’ It stays in the charts till…
1992 AD - Whitney Houston’s ‘And I will always love you’ knocks it from the top spot.
Chocolate lovers everywhere sing along to their favourite bar, and divorce rates rise.
1994 AD - Forrest Gump declares that ‘life is like a box of chocolates’. Film becomes instant hit.
1999 AD - Millennium Dome opened; no chocolate stand.
2000 AD - Millennium Dome closes after only one year. Chocolate lovers laugh.
2001 AD - Chocolate reigns supreme.
And so there you have it, the complete history of time, according to chocolate. And now if you’ll excuse me, I’m getting a little peckish… Thank you for listening, good night!
Emma Jackson
