Last week's News

News article for the week of 9/20/05.

Alternative Fuels Being Considered. No, Seriously This Time
By, Grey Science

With crude oil prices skyrocketing after Hurricane Katrina, trouble in the Middle East and the continued popularity of a new range of digital pets you can eat, the search for alternative fuel sources is once more coming to attention, possibly with the hope that there is some actual substance to the matter this time.
Everything from alcohol to dead cats, from solar power to the glow off of Jessica Simpson’s perky cheeks is being considered seriously as everyone tries to stick it to the oil companies.
The oil companies, naturally, are the main sponsors of this research, attempting to maintain an iron-fisted control over energy production. However the field is developing so swiftly that they might not be able to maintain total control, or want to.
The latest in fusion and water powered engines for cars, planes and horses are being tested as we speak, though with less than a forty percent success rate in experiments they are still a long way from replacing petrochemical engines.
Similarly the giant hamster wheel designs that are intended to help the world slim down while providing transport have been criticized for their lack of safety features.
One possible alternative fuel source no one is truly comfortable with is Donald Trump’s self-righteousness. Though it is somewhat more environmentally friendly it does mean that Trump maintains a monopoly, something no one is prepared to give him however potent the fuel.
Not even the offer of Trump’s ego as a light alternative has sweetened the pot enough.
The suggestion that rendered down Boy Bands and Pop Tarts is popular, however the exhaust from such fuels has proven so toxic as to make letting everyone in the world smoke two packets of cigarettes a day is actually healthier.
Still looking for an easy solution the governments of the world have banded together to make sure that none of them can be held accountable.
Several radical fringe groups have advocated returning to horse and carriage, however since none of these people could point out a horse from a line up of assorted apes they are not being taken too seriously.
Another group that is being taken slightly more seriously wants to see the increased use of foot power and electricity, though wants to see that electricity generated by using Sharon Osborne’s voice, yet another unfortunate requirement.
The possibility of using the sun as a power source is still popular, however no one really has the stomach for the near continuous human sacrifices required to satiate the great burning sky orb.
As can be seen the search for alternative fuel is neither encouraging nor over, with Greanpeace determined to prove that an environmentally solution is feasible while corporations seek to maintain control.
With the possibility of using some of the waste appealing to many it is entirely possible that the solution is worse than the problem.