Last week's News

News article for the week of 12/12/05.

Peace on Earth a Reality This Christmas
By, Grey Events

Starting at around 6pm Greenwich Mean Time on Christmas Eve Saddam Hussein, George W Bush, Tony Blair, Fidel Castro, Tim Robbins, Michael Moore, Jacques Chirac and Kim Jong-Il will gather together, join hands and sing Christmas Carols in front of the UN Building to mark the beginning of the world’s first truly quite, peaceful Christmas.
Eminem, Puff Daddy, everyone involved in the whole East Coast – West Coast-you don’t-say-that-about-mine dispute that will put aside their differences and gather in the Midwest for a brief dinner.
Country and Western singers are vacating the same area in favor of Tahiti for the same period.
The world will take it as given that France surrenders, and France will do likewise, freeing up all sorts of diplomatic and other communications channels for more important things for once.
Pr-Kirk Trekkies shall remove their ceremonial toupees in an act of equality and comradeship with their Picardist counterparts, who shall be providing hats for all to cover their differences and similarities.
The Molemen shall put off their conquest of the Surface World until the next most opportune time, which is somewhere in February. Instead of the planned invasion the Molemen shall spend time charitably beating up Infomercial hosts and distributing Halloween candy.
It is the thought that counts.
Similarly the Lavapeople will install acoustic shielding in their caverns, avoiding the annual argument about the noise the humans are making and resulting in the usual sporadic volcanoes and magma throwing.
Godzilla and his brood will peacefully join their Jurassic foes in trekking into Canada where the lower temperatures will hopefully induce lethargy and hopefully cool tempers for the time being, bringing pause to the bloody feud that has ruined many lives and occasionally slowed down international flights along the Eastern Seaboard.
The private war will inevitably escalate again after the New Year, until then we can all enjoy the fact that the skyline is free of giant, marauding reptiles and reptile-like creatures.
And before you start thinking that all this peace and quite will go to waste let me assure you that Bono himself, of U2 fame, has assured everyone that there shall be no guilt inducing concerts in this time period.
To make doubly sure they hid all of Bob Geldof’s pills, prescribed or not.
Likewise all militaries, armed organizations and girl scout brigades will stand down until the 28th, just to be on the safe side, and will refrain from making any attacks or merit badge attempts other than the cleared “Good Samaritan”, “Friendly Helper” and “Weed Wacker” badges.
No one’s even complained that some terrorist and militias have a head start on the latter badge.
Of course thankless in all this are the Martians presently orbiting Earth with an Obliterator Gun targeted at the planet as we speak, sick and tired of all the squabbling next door and looking for at least one day of peace.
All hail our Martian buddies.