Last week's News

News article for the week of 2/13/06.

The Search For Atlantis VII: So It’s Come To This
By, Grey Exploration (continued from ep. 6)

When I signed up for this I knew that I would see things I had never seen before.
And while that has happened, it has been in the form of mammoth geek gatherings (Star Trek conventions), scenes of inexplicable consumption (people who survive, in fact thrive upon nothing but cold pizza and Pepsi for whole weeks at a time) and the use of a multimillion dollar entertainment system on an equally if not more so expensive yacht, what is known as a double lady-killer setup, by a group of men to host a Doctor Who marathon.
None of this compares to what I have seen now: A desperate, desperate need for good lawyers.
In the last instalment I reported that we had found what is, most likely, Atlantis, right where certain evidence claimed it should be, near Italy, underwater, and containing one thing no one expected: Morelocks.
Yes, those subterranean apelike things we will all evolve into once the moon explodes/disintegrates/tries to kick McDonald’s off its surface.
What they are doing in Atlantis, in this time period, operating some sort of giant karaoke machine we don’t know and to be honest not a one of us on the expedition cares.
Everyone agrees that they are squatters however, not the original tenants, however since they have been there for so long, at least according to them, they have residency rights.
Now this expedition consists of four types of people, the lowly grunts who do all the heavy lifting, driving and general work; the geeks who make life miserable but do all the brainwork and have proven themselves completely unsuited for any of the work done by the grunts (which happens to include holding a conversation without resorting to “But Captain Kirk . . .”), myself the reporter, and our benefactor, also known as some rich guy with nothing better to do than fund scientific expeditions.
Now the first three know almost nothing about the careful application of lawyers. Most of us are of the opinion that there is no careful application of lawyers, that they are like a shotgun, best pointed away from any face you like and fired to do the most damage possible.
Where most of this journey I have held great respect for the tolerance of the grunts for the inane and just plain ridiculous actions of the geeks, I find I now respect the geeks and our money source.
The geeks actually managed to find what may be Atlantis, and actually proved useful in fending off the Morelocks. Okay so the latter happened accidentally when one of them started throwing three day old Pepsi at the Morelocks. Poor things never stood a chance.
Now I must admit more than a sneaking admiration for the cash flow, who has proven himself to be more than a bored dilettante. When the Morelocks fell back under sustained Pepsi barrage they did something unforgivable, an act that took this conflict to the next level. They sent up their lawyers.
As a race breed in the dark, fed human flesh and taught to be utterly ruthless and amoralistic they naturally have the most potent lawyers in existence.
Now we must do battle for access to Atlantis, with lawyers. On our side we have a formidable team, merging the quieter parts of the Michael Jackson defence team with the louder part of the OJ Simpson defence team, topping it off with the entire nonrotting section of Zombie LA Law.
When I next report this should all be over, one way or another, and we will be verifying that this site is Atlantis, or I’ll be barbeque.