Last week's News

News article for the week of 2/27/06.

Giant Eyeballs March On Washington
By, Grey Events

In a scene reminiscent of the Million Man March, the Cheap Knock Off Million Man March and the Twelve Guys, Seven Chicks Saunter the city of Washington was inundated with Giant Eyeballs demanding equal voting rights.
Giant Eyeballs earned the right to vote back in the late 1970’s after their failed invasion of the United States during the Korean War. Landing in the middle of the Nevada desert during a sandstorm proved their undoing. US troops needed to do nothing other than duck a little lower as the blinded Eyeballs fired wildly, ironically destroying their own equipment.
Naturalisation and integration has been slow and painful, most Giant Eyeballs live just above the poverty line, filling service roles and minimum wage jobs that most would rather trust to illegal Mexicans or the occasional itinerant Martian looking for a few quick bucks.
Nevertheless finding themselves with absolutely no option but to throw themselves at the mercy of their intended targets. Through hard work Giant Eyeballs have strived to become model Americans, eventually being granted the vote.
However the legislation enacted dictated that there be one vote per pair of eyeballs, ensuring that only binary vision would participate in democracy.
As most Giant Eyeballs of the time were of the invading generation they saw this as a fair concession. Giant Eyeballs are nothing if not gracious in defeat.
However the first generation of American Giant Eyeballs have come of age and spawned a second generation. Neither is happy with the present voting arrangement, which they have likened to the archaic notion of a wife voting along the same lines as her husband.
Indeed voting rights are allocated according to marriage, unless a Giant Eyeball is single, in which case their vote is their own. Some paranoid commentators have claimed that this is move to devalue marriage among Giant Eyeballs, most of whom have become strict Catholics as a part of their assimilation into American culture as this most resembled their native religion of letting old guys wear big hats.
Now close to 700,000 Giant Eyeballs pack Washington, marching under the twin slogans “One Eye, One Vote” and “Put The Eye In Vote”.
March organiser K’zka K’thraka K’thun Kennedy has fought off efforts to put a name to this march, stating that this is not the same thing as what Martin Luther King Junior fought for.
Kennedy and many others have gone on record as stating that there has been no ill will towards Giant Eyeballs, with many Americans eagerly welcoming their would be conquerors with open arms. Naturalisation has long been the stance of the US government, which believed that without it the Giant Eyeballs would just become an invading army again.
However, as the demonstration proves, there is still some dissatisfaction among Giant Eyeballs that they are not being represented. Few have managed to attain even the lowest public office and the most famous Giant Eyeball is S’nt S’nll S’nee Sherbert, the comedian whose fame rests upon stereotyped Giant Eyeball jokes.
The Bush administration has remained cautiously neutral for the time being, unwilling to dismiss such a large group and yet equally unwilling to bend to strong-arm tactics of a group that retains a certain degree of cultural aggression.
Only time will tell if this is another watershed moment in American history, or just one more instance of irritated eyes in the middle of the city.