Last week's News

News article for the week of 3/5/06.

Amorphous Blob Attracts News Attention At Last
By, Grey Events

In a stunning turn that has this Amorphous Blob enthusiast excited in a very professional manner, the Amorphous Blob that suddenly appeared in a Detroit neighbourhood seven months and four days ago has finally become newsworthy.
No small amount of thanks is due to the East Side Cult, their associates the North East Side Cult, their bitter enemies the South Cult and their arch rivals the Hats.
Also deserving credit are the lone scientists who found the blob worth studying, the tourists who’s multiple flash photos increased the public visibility of the Blob.
And of course a little credit must go to Johnny Depp.
The East Side Cult is the second oldest and largest of the groups, working closely with the North East Side Cult to fund scientific research when no other organization cold find anything of use in the Amorphous blob that for all appearances occupies an empty lot, makes no hostile moves, occasionally jiggles with the wind and has proven to be a fairly ineffective target as anything shot or thrown at it tends to bounce back at odd angles.
Now it turns out that the Amorphous Blob has actually moved by nine full centimetres!
East Side Cult affiliated scientists detected this movement using laser beams to measure the relative position of the various sections of Blob. Initially they were simply attempting to ascertain the dimensions of the Blob and discovered the movement quite by accident.
The other cults have imitated these efforts without any such success.
While this may not sound like a newsworthy event the fact that the scientists went to the Council of cult Leaders, who went to the Detroit City Leaders, who went to the Governor of Illinois, who went right to the National Guard causing the sort of mobilisation one expects when Osama Bin Ladin or Vanilla Ice are in town did capture some media attention.
In hindsight the scientist and cult leaders admit that they probably should have mentioned just how much the Amorphous Blob had moved before telling anyone, instituting a state and national level emergency, causing the Office of Homeland Defence to issue a Mauve Alert and send Brittany Spears into reeeeeaaally premature labour. They promise this will not happen again.
Clamouring for attention the Hats are trying to point out that the Amorphous blob is moving relatively towards them and away from the other groups, thereby proving their divinity. The Hats being located in the North West and the Blob making, if those nine centimetres are anything to go by, for the West.
As a counterpoint the other groups a stating that since, relatively speaking, the blob is moving away from them, saving them from the slow smothering fate that awaits all in the West, it is proof of their divinity.
Unfortunately since no one is in the East exactly it is hard to tell which one group is right.
Meanwhile the evacuation of Detroit has been bumped from seventh to sixteenth priority, the US Senate has moved debate on a relief package to November, the National Guard continues to do what it does best and the National Alert stands at Kumquat.