Last week's News

News article for the week of 4/26/06.

Talking Immortal Monkey Discovered in Neverland
By, Grey News

The meltdown that has become Michael Jackson’s United States assets has revealed a number of new and amazing things.
While most have found the diamond mine staffed entirely by enslaved llamas to be most shocking, especially since Jackson may still retain rights to profits from the mine, there are a number of other items that have interested select groups.
While a small bidding war has erupted over the recently uncovered memoirs of Bubbles of particular interest to scientific and religious groups is a not entirely simple chimpanzee.
Unlike the unfortunate Bubbles, who’s exact whereabouts is unknown since genetic testing proved that was not his remains in the animal mausoleum, this chimp, who for some reason prefers to be known as a monkey, had the ability to protest verbally and should have been understood.
The monkey, sometimes known as Peter, did not have to suffer as Bubbles. Instead he spent most of his time in an enclosure spouting obscenities at anyone who would pass.
Jackson has admitted that he kept the monkey simply on the basis of novelty, unlike his many other pets. This particular creature, in addition to being able to talk is apparently immortal, having shot, hung and drowned himself to graphically prove his point to numerous authorities, several school groups in a misguided attempt to bring the laughter of children back into Jackson’s ranch and several politicians desperate to prove that they look nothing like the primate. The monkey is especially grateful for the latter group’s visit because it proves he is nothing like them.
The eventual fate of the monkey is being hotly debated by many people. Michael Jackson still claims ownership, though only weakly compared to other assets of more immediate economic and personal value.
The monkey is reportedly somewhat insulted that Jackson is not more appreciative of him.
Animal rights groups are attempting to gain his release with the probable goal of returning him to the wild in Africa. That the monkey in question originated from Detroit and his present enclosure resembles a mall more than a jungle has been thoroughly ignored, as has his arguments that he cannot live without a regular dose of American Idol.
Authorities are concerned that a being this amoral could prove to be a danger to society and are seeking to keep him locked up. The trouble now is location. With Neverland falling to pieces and with numerous hands clambering for those pieces it is unlikely that he would be safe there.
Several medical concerns have expressed an interest in the monkey, naturally this has been met with protest by everyone, especially Colonel Sanders who wishes to employ the monkey for good, honest work. This has sent even more alarms sounding.
Regardless the monkey has generated enough interest to gain himself a manager and the possibility of a guest shot on one of the Stargate series.