Last week's News

News article for the week of 5/17/06.

Talking Immortal Monkey Launches Music Career
By, Grey Entertainment (follow up from Monkey Released)

With the resolution of the illegal release of the Talking Immortal Monkey found locked up in Michael Jackson’s Neverland ranch announced on Friday morning events are beginning to both settle and get exciting.
As no one in power really cares about a foul-mouthed primate of indeterminate age they have decided to ignore what a bunch of “petty, egotistical children posing as activists” and their “illegal actions on behalf of a forgotten pet”.
In return those responsible for the release have expressed joy at their “victory over petty egotistical politicians posing as leaders” and their “inhuman inaction against a much maligned animal.”
Completely ignored by both groups, which is how he has admitted liking it, the Talking Immortal Monkey has announced his intention to pursue a creative career.
Eager to capitalize on the publicity of his existence, sudden release and popular apathy from authority to launch an equally appropriate music career.
Talking Immortal Monkey claims a great expertise in music, having mercilessly berated every effort made by Michael Jackson from Bad onward.
According to staff testimony this much is true, as one of the main reasons for Jackson’s increased bouts of depression were Talking Immortal Monkey criticisms, leading to speculation that some of his more insane antics, especially those involving his children, are the result of this damned ape.
If anything this information has increased the Talking Immortal Monkey’s stock with the major labels, who have begun a small bidding war for his contract.
When asked what he would perform Talking Immortal Monkey stated that it would be a “ . . . fusion of the best elements of rhythm and blues with hard rock while staying close to my people’s country and western roots with a twist of hip hop to appeal to the snotty WASP youth of middle America who feel that the likes of Fifty Cent are just too Asian to be hip anymore.”
Immediately after giving this answer Talking Immortal Monkey was asked if he realised that this essentially made him a shorter, more charismatic Gloria Estefan.
The resulting thirty minute tirade against the questioning reporter, her family, their home town, their nation (apparently Canada), and their inappropriate behaviour towards pine trees.
The reporter was left in such a state that she immediately attempted to chop down the nearest pine tree using nothing but an iPod and tickets to Mission Impossible III.
Had the tree not fought back so effectively it is likely that it could have been lost. The tree has also been praised for how well she talked the reporter down to a calm state rather than resorting to the viscous sack beatings pine trees have become known for in recent years.
With this final, stunning proof that he is far more controlled and far easier with critics than Estefan it is almost a certainty that the first Talking Immortal Monkey single with rocket up the charts within the year.