Last week's News

News article for the week of 5/30/06.

Australia to Find New Use for Desert Wasteland
By, Grey Environment

The Australian federal government found itself stymied in it plans to generate large amounts of income for renting out Australian soil for the holding of toxic nuclear and chemical wastes by namby pamby environmentalists who consider turning the world’s only continent sized nation into the world’s only international garbage dump to be a bad investment.
One Howard administration official was heard saying, “It’s not like there’s anyone we like out there,” with minimal negative reaction as no one pays attention to anything coming out of the Australian Capital Territory if they can help it.
Nevertheless what was supposed to be a multitrillion dollar deal with the US and Europe has instead become a political, economic and environmental hot potato.
Long plagued by the fact that it cannot fully exploit it’s landmass due to the high percentage of desert and weird animals with weirder names Australia is trying to find a way to further strengthen the economy.
This is being criticised by environmentalists (for obvious reasons) and economists alike, the latter pointing out that the Australian economy is doing so well that the government is pushing through tax cuts.
Prime Minister John Howard has ordered that all economists’ not onboard the “Make Australia Rich” boat be deported to some hellish wasteland. This led to their being deported to Australia in an ironic twist.
All the same ideas keep pouring in, with the Howard government considering every possible option.
For the moment the most popular has to be the long running idea of turning the Australian Outback into a giant Mad Max theme park, with bondage clad marauders, limited supplies, ruined cars and foul mouthed, alcoholic survivors roaming the wilderness.
Critics point out that all this can be had for free in inner city Sydney, where empty car frames litter yards and drunkenness is the natural state of things. All that would have to be changed is that the bondage-clad marauders would be allowed out at night as well as the day.
Proponents point out that this indicates experience and willing workers for making the world’s largest theme park and tourist trap a reality, however many are sceptical about letting Mel Gibson back into the country after it was reported that he was working on “The Passion of Christ II: The Resurrection”. Not so much because it’s a bad movie, but because he is seriously considering letting Tom Cruise buy his way into the role of Jesus.
The next most favoured option, and mildly more realistic than the former, is using it as a planetary billboard.
In this scheme messages would be plastered across the entire nation to be visible from orbit, and maybe a bit further.
For now there is limited market potential, as only astronauts and orbiting spy satellites will be able to see the ads, and the latter tend to focus too closely to be of great use.
However with several nations, billionaires and crackpots plotting various forms of orbital habitat and hotel this may be the way to go in the long term.
It also has the benefit of making environmentalists cry as they say that the theme park idea or the toxic waste dump plan is better.