Last week's News

News article for the week of 6/9/06.

Peanut Butter Madness
By, Grey Events

An army of children marches across the Southern United States, advancing steadily northward in what Confederate enthusiasts should be proud of if it were not for the motivations of this under aged mob and the destruction of Richmond by their grubby little hands.
The motives behind the roving band of kids is well known, a shortage of quality peanut butter, starting in Alabama and spreading to all the southern states caused general dissatisfaction amongst children and no small number of adults as well.
As to the precise cause of the shortage no one is certain, massive crop failures amongst peanut growers in the last two years have been staggering, requiring the use of cheap imported nuts from Paraguay, which are reported to be little more than floor sweepings from a Voltron manufacturing plant.
The resulting drop in peanut butter quality has led to this revolt amongst children. So far it has been successful due to a reluctance of several governors to order the National Guard to open fire on children, especially when the disarmingly cute ones are put in front of the vicious biters.
These shock tactics have served the impromptu army well, though experts point to the lack of higher leadership as a hindrance in any long-term campaign. Any force that does little other than rampage, pillage and destroy without a clear goal is doomed to fizzle out eventually.
Understandably this is not acceptable, with millions of dollars in damages accrued already and the steady recruitment of more dissatisfied children into the teeming ranks of the peanut butter starved hoard
Some have moved that the army of children be declared a natural disaster on the scale of Hurricane Katrina or Oprah on her last eating binge.
Such attempts are being blocked by parental groups, specifically those parents whose children are involved.
They are demanding that the government do something about their runaway children.
In response the government is demanding they do something about their runaway children.
With officials, parents and several fictional characters such as this Dick Cheney thing deadlocked over a solution it may be up to the general public and celebrities to find a way out of this mess.
Already the idea of turning on fire hydrants and washing away the tide of brats has been tried and failed, as children both with the army and unaligned frolicked in the water and then set out for further rampage.
Contributing to the problem is the notable number of adults who have joined the army.
While not yet in a command position these adults have provided added strength and numbers, requiring nothing more than common purpose to join.
The most promising unofficial action suggested so far is little more than appeasement, the offering of spreads of high quality until peanut butter becomes more available.
No one expects this to last forever, simply long enough to bring in moderate quality Australian peanut butter, or maybe to at least get the kids back to their parents, or someone who’ll take responsibility for them.