Last week's News

News article for the week of 7/4/06.

Truth About Jimmy Hoffa Revealed
By, Grey News

While not the mystery breaker of the decade that everyone wanted, recent news regarding Jimmy Hoffa may well reveal many truths about the union kingpin and part time choreographer.
Little news has come out of the supposed burial site since excavation and examination began earlier this year, what new information there is comes from the recent cloning of Hoffa from a combination of left over biological material (not originally disclosed but now revealed to be toenail clippings and material salvaged from shaving scum).
The original plan behind this clone is uncertain, Hoffa’s living relatives have proven themselves to be highly cunning, enough so they can provide for themselves, and not nearly imaginative enough to become involved in any cloning scheme.
Those who created the clone have remained cloaked in shadows, and the Hoffa Clone himself is trying desperately to remain silent, not an easy task considering how the mysteries are being revealed.
First of all it turns out that Hoffa had a rather large loan with several Italian-American business people involved in the garbage business, a loan with ongoing compound interest that has been slowly accumulating until irrefutable proof that Hoffa was dead surfaced.
Hoffa Clone is now liable for that loan.
Additionally it turns out that the original Hoffa made a rather foolish bet with a certain colonel of Southern extraction about how long a certain chain of chicken restaurants would last. This Southern colonel is theoretically as dead as Hoffa the Original, however he is alive and still taking his bets very seriously.
The precise terms of the bet are uncertain, though the consequence is that Hoffa, clone or otherwise, must perform the chicken dance at the Superbowl in the company of Shelly Winters.
Being dead herself may slow Winters down, however she always was a sucker for a good bet.
Equally stunning is the news that Hoffa Clone is also liable for all the fines accumulated by the original.
The number of parking tickets, speeding fines and public nudity fines are stunning enough, more surprising still is that there are a significant number of citations for attempting to steal candy from minors.
Hoffa’s living family and close associates are appalled with this situation, stating that Hoffa the Original would never have been caught trying to steal candy from babies, he would have been smart enough and quick enough to be able to take that candy and never be caught.
All the same Hoffa Clone is being held accountable for these offences, miscalculations and misjudgements. That he presently possesses the intellect of a nine year old has been deemed immaterial as the Italian-American businessmen who are engaged in no illegal activities whatsoever and the Southern colonel consider the original to have had the mentality of a ten year old with bad table manners.
Apparently Hoffa Clone’s ability to use a napkin may well have doomed him.
His only hope is that the mouldering corpse buried under a barn is the original Jimmy Hoffa and will take the rap instead.