Last week's News

News article for the week of 7/11/06.

Aliens Cry Foul Humanity Not Accepting Return of Brains
By, Grey Events

After decades of coming to Earth, abducting random and semi random people of little or no consequence the Aliens (so far they have refused to offer any other title, formal or otherwise) have offered to return to their owners the brains that have been harvested, provided the original owners are still alive.
Citing transport, storage and odour issues the Aliens graciously made the offer in conjunction with a promotional blitz to get people to stop tagging their flying saucers when parked in Los Angeles.
That was three and a half weeks ago, an announcement that could have been made a little more public or a little louder, though no less received warmly by education authorities and Mensa, the organisation for high IQs which has been looking to bolster it’s membership for quite some time now.
Everyone expected that the Aliens would drag their feet on this matter, especially since they were footing the bill for this cerebral repatriation.
What no one expected, and much to the Aliens’ chagrin is that many people are refusing to take possession of their brains, a move being actively supported by a number of powerful groups.
Political parties the world over from US Republicans and Democrats, British Tories, Australian Nationals, Italian Greens, even the rare, lesser spotted Russian neo-Tsarists are blocking attempts to return brains to key politicians, claiming that the political balance is difficult enough as it is without having some of these people think for themselves.
Television networks are also against the return on the basis that if they wanted a thinking audience they would put effort into quality programming.
Movie producers are in the same boat, in fact they are lobbying for the Aliens to return to their brain harvesting ways so that next summer’s rehashed slop will be eagerly accepted.
Some paranoid groups claim that the true motivation behind the brain return is not altruism, but a part of a larger scheme to make the Earth ripe for take over, or some other equally nefarious plot.
While Alien Spokes entities have stated that plans for Earth are in the offering, they are no more catastrophic than the unveiling of a new frozen yoghurt flavour based on Mars rock and a little asparagus.
Independent sources close to the Aliens speak of more than a little irritation with the situation. For once they are doing something apparently altruistic and they find themselves refused and foiled.
Some wonder if attempting to dominate the Earth might not be a better use of their energies, however it was pointed out that doing so would then put them in charge of all these idiots.
For the moment the Aliens are sticking to diplomatic channels, vainly hoping that in doing so they will calm people down enough to just walk up to them and ask for their brains back.
Failing that there may soon be a sharp increase in the number of “brain shoved up nose” incidents.