Last week's News

News article for the week of 7/18/06.

Relations With Iran Further Imperilled By Weapons
By, Grey News

While most of the world has its hopes pinned on a diplomatic solution others fear that events may have gone too far between Iran and the western world.
With an army in neighbouring Iraq many suspect the US is ready to pounce with just a little more provocation.
Thus far patience on both sides have been sorely tested. American belligerence and Iranian procrastination make for a volatile mix at the best of times. For the moment at least cooler heads have prevailed though increasingly heated rhetoric. However when it was revealed that Christina Agularia was going to be positioned in Iraq by the US the situation nearly exploded.
Ostensibly assigned to entertain US troops in Iraq Agularia’s presence could be an indication of an impending first strike by American forces across the border.
Consequently Iran has threatened to “throw more money than he has ever seen” at Billy Ray Cyrus and resurrect the half forgotten horror that is “Achey Breaky Heart”.
Spokespeople for the Bush II administration immediately denounced this threat to domestic terror, especially one with “immense and indiscriminate potential for world wide destruction.”
UN negotiators have been working to diffuse the crisis, already US support for continued blocking of Paris Hilton and Nichole Ritchie from the Middle East (apparently someone told them shipping in Mecca and Beirut was excellent), in exchange for Iran to cut off all relations with the main Backstreet Boys fragments.
Horse-trading such as this has proven effective in the past, though it is by no means a long-term solution.
Rumours state that both nations are negotiating with Canada to deploy Celine Dion. The US is thought to possess better leverage after April’s maple syrup incident.
Unfortunately this does prove Arthur C Clarke’s two-decade-old prediction that Canada would become the world’s arsenal, thus cementing his place as the world’s pre-eminent futuristic quack.
No one yet believes that anyone would deploy Celine Dion without a formal declaration of war. Canada itself has repeatedly stated this fact.
Of course, the same thing was said about the indiscriminate use of Lindsay Lohan, now look at the state of Thailand.
German attempts to intervene by use of David Hasselhoff has come to nothing. Apparently David Hasselhoff has a minor following in Iran and the US considers him much more entertainment than a threat in the conventional military threat.
Some hopes are that with this much in common the two sides might fine more common ground, otherwise it might come down to Olsen Twins at twenty paces.
And no, that is not a euphemism.
In the mean time American troops breath a heavy sigh of relief that Christina Agularia will not be coming their way, though only because they were yet to receive their shipments of earplugs.