Last week's News

News article for the week of 7/25/06.

Weasels Held Hostage, Dynamite Strapped to Badgers
By, Grey Events

In a shock move that may have far reaching long term international repercussions a splinter faction of a select group of a rebel cell of the far wing of . . . well no one can be sure right now and no one really wants to claim something like this anyway.
During a recent victory celebrations of the World Cup in Berlin a small band of troops, or whatever, from this renegade faction of a whatever managed to steal two dozen live weasels and hold them to ransom.
The act has been made all the more insidious by the use of badgers and dynamite as the threat.
Unusual for the use of badgers in a hostage situation, these animals appear to be as much victims as the weasels themselves, as the dynamite has been placed on their backs, a spot notoriously uncomfortable for badgers and thus not something they would ordinarily chose to do.
Demands have been delivered by videotape, and have proven to be largely incoherent. A masked individual wearing sunglasses and last year’s summer style of ball gown appears and shouts something about brotherhood, peace, unity and extra chocolate pudding on Sundays or else the consequences will be war, horror, death and an end to vanilla custard.
The language used in the five tapes delivered so far varies from broken English to Mexican Spanish and includes a dose of Greek just to spice things up a little.
Analysis of the tape indicates that it is an ex-rental of some sort that was never fully rewound.
By all appearances the weasels are unharmed, though they are being kept in a cage dangling over a pool of what looks to be Pepsi containing sharks.
If these are the same sharks that were abducted from a Vancouver aquarium several weeks ago they are in poor shape indeed. Dates on the tapes indicate they have been in that pool for seven straight days and technically should have been dissolved by now. Speculation that these sharks are mutants has grown recently, especially once a detailed examination of the third tape showed one shark enjoying itself.
A simpler explanation may be that the sharks are now insane, lost to all and doomed never to rejoin society. If so the weasels are not likely to fare any better and the badgers may have the sweet end of the deal.
On freelance negotiator consulted on the case said that this work was unusual in it’s cruelty to animals and utter lack of coherent communications, indicating that Ted Turner may be involved.
Turner has denied any links to the hostage drama, though did indicate that several recently terminated employees may be mimicking his style in effort to cast blame upon him.
The Dixie Chix have gone on record as saying this is the clearest sign to date that American armed forces should withdraw from Iraq.
In a counter statement, Alice Cooper said this was the clearest sign to date that the population of North America should move en mass to Australia to take advantage of the cheaper land prices and the use of kangaroos as transport.
Finally Animal Rights groups bitched about the safety of the weasels, badgers, sharks and what is assumed to be an Emu making waffles.