Last week's News

News article for the week of 11/23/06.

Jerry Springer to bring peace to the Middle-East

By, Cozmic

As hostilities between Palestine and Israel are rising up to atrocious levels once again, part of the U.S has finally decided to interfere. And the best part is it's a nobody really enjoyed for no more than possibly a cheap laugh anyway. After trying to solve the problems of nymphomaniacs on crack, cheating lovers and cousins that marry, as well as talking to psycho killers with problems they should work out, talk show host Jerry Springer has decided to solve the problems of the middle-east. After all, Springer reasoned, all they really needed was to sit down and talk, maybe throw a few chairs at one another, and give him higher ratings. He said either way it seemed like a smarter idea than the whole human-shield, rocket propelled grenade, tank thing they got going on down there.
For obvious reasons, most world leaders are now terrified, seeing Springer as more of an aggressor than a peacemaker, and the last thing anyone want is an escalation of violence. Then again, everyone but the president of France has said that a quick escalation resulting in a very wounded Jerry Springer might be a good, even great thing.
Springer himself is adamant that he could solve these issues, after all, what is global politics compared to interviewing a bunch of nude psychic pornstar midgets?
Israel's acting prime minister Ehmud Olmert has stated that he is quiet a fan of Springer's show, and is looking forward to the meetings, while Palestinian Mahmoud Abbas says the show is tacky, and frankly quite stupid, making it great entertainment. Critics of the idea say “quite frankly stupid” applies to a lot of things in this situation.
The show itself will be longer than the ordinary Jerry Springer show, thus giving a chance for increased tossing of chairs, the declaration of nuclear war, and really dumb audience members.