Last week's News

News article for the week of 12/12/06.

Straight from the Swede:

Penguins take North Pole hostage

By, Cozmic

It started innocently enough. The rivalries going on between the north and south pole, threatening to evolve into a new cold war, were dangerous but not openly hostile. Until The Man of the North Pole himself put the undisputed rulers of the south pole on the naughty list. Then the penguins went ballistic. The outer north pole sentries, the polar bears, were all subdued within three hours of the penguin intelligence agency finding out about the naughty list. Most suspect a secret penguin army has been submersed by the north pole for just a strike such as this.
Once the penguin strike force, consisting of a small amount of specially trained penguins, had reached the town of elves, reindeer, toy factories, gingerbread spies and Santa Claus, they quickly infiltrated the workshop where all the elves were making toys for the good gentile girls and the good gentile boys. While one team tied up all the elves, another team set off to the stables, and kidnapped every reindeer they saw, even Rudolph. They apparently hooded his head to stop the nose from tipping off any eventual rescuers. The third and final team were tasked with securing Mr. Claus himself, which the penguin leader stated as “simple business since he reeked of cheap whiskey”, and also Mrs. Claus, supposedly a much harder target to neutralize.
The hostages were rounded up in the workshop about two hours ago, and little information has been released. Santa says he is unwilling to negotiate with terrorists, while the penguins cite that as members of the armed forces of the south pole they are not terrorists, they're soldiers. The subtle difference being that they are fully recognised by a country. That, and that they are just way too cool to be terrorists. So far the penguins have only threatened to destroy tools in the workshop, although the next step is said to be to destroy the tools by jamming them and the elves into the machinery and laughing maniacally, which Santa jokingly said was what he always wanted for his birthday present. After that, the penguins gave Santa some coffee to sober him up just enough that his nose didn't work like Rudolph's.
The penguins are apparently demanding they be put on the good list, that Santa stops badmouthing them, several thousand candy canes, and that the penguin propaganda movie Happy feet be part of every child's loot list next Christmas. Santa has claimed this will happen over his dead body, to which the reply “gladly” did not come as much of a surprise. The penguins have full control over the north pole as of this moment, and claim to have reinforcements ready to help them out, should something bad happen. A counter-insurgency team has been sent to the location, but due to poor geographical skills they ended up in the Himalayas. The yeti was not pleased.
Personally, I predict Santa will cave as soon as he sobers up enough to make an informed decision, but considering that we are dealing with a person who gives humans everything they ask for once a year and penguins nothing, it is unlikely if Santa can do much thinking at all.