Last week's News

News article for the week of 2/21/07.

Alf Gives Tearful Press Conference
By, Grey News (Continued from Alf Legal Battle)

Former sitcom star and part time shag carpet Gordon Shumway, better known as Alf, star of the eponymous show, gave an emotional press conference outside the Vietnamese prison where he is being held awaiting trial, the Vietnamese government still trying to decide if it wants a piece of the action in the law suit launched by a coalition of cats for the repeated murder of their people by Shumway.
The prison is seen as a necessity, though no longer in possession of the vast financial resources he held during his heyday Alf is considered a flight and safety risk as old fans split between those still loyal, demanding – even plotting his freedom, and those who feel betrayed to the point of considering assassination.
Adding fuel to the fire is the untimely reminder that at one point Alf was believed to be in Florida, lying in a coma.
The fans are officially pissed, to say nothing of wife Molly Ringwald-Shumway who had been looking forward to a career revival based on pity employment since the plug was pulled on the supposed Alf in Florida.
Under heavy security Shumway proceeded to give the following announcement, breaking into tears several times, persevering even when his voice started to fail.
“Thank you all for coming. I would like to start by thanking my friends and family who have been my rock in these troubling times.
“What I have to say is difficult, though I feel it is necessary. Silence would be unfair to my many fans, I feel I must offer answers for the charges and the many deceptions that have come to light as a result.
“I’m sorry. I’m sorry I faked my death. I’m sorry I forced my identical twin cousin into a coma to cover my ass a few years ago after some bad gambling debts. I’m sorry I fled the country to this relatively quiet corner of South East Asia until everyone forgot that anyone named Alf or Shumway was lying in a coma. I’m sorry I ordered the plug pulled even though Alvin wasn’t even in a coma at that time.
“I’m sorry that once upon a time I considered felines a fine dish, even a delicacy to the point of extreme addiction, sometimes eating three, even four cats a day in secret binges inside my trailer. I’m sorry I’ve forced my fellow actors working on the show to help procure cats for this addiction by threatening their livelihoods, and that I paid prostitutes tens or even hundreds of dollars to help clean up the evidence by wearing the cat remains as wigs. It was the eighties.
“I’m sorry that I have engendered so much distrust in my life for one small, albeit repeated mistake.
“That being said I have kicked the habit, successfully, this time.
“When I first arrived in this fine, forgiving, lenient country I was still hooked on cats. Wild weekends were spent stalking the streets armed with a high powered harpoon cannon strapped to a dozen street urchins with another dozen hauling the catches in nets made from their own hair.
“All I can say was that I had lost myself to wild abandon. Intoxicated by the freedom of this fine, excellent, easy going, compassionate nation, and the fact that bookies with crowbars were not eagerly hunting for my kneecaps.
“That was then. This is now. I am a changed man, who is innocent of these charges, a fact that shall be proven very soon.
“Thank you all for your support, and God bless.”
Upon giving this statement Gordon Shumway was led back into the prison. Cats hissed and lit an Alf effigy on fire, Molly Ringwald-Shumway vowed to burn the real thing.