Last week's News

News article for the week of 4/12/07.

Hulk Hogan to go after Osama
By, Cozmic

Terrence Gene Bollea, better known as Hulk Hogan, has decided to prove to the world that he knows best once and for all. The multiple-championship former wrestler in the bandana says he's doing this as a favor to the world for putting up with wrestling, the Hulk's album and yet another Rocky movie. And he really does believe he can do it.
"I've done everything I need to do. I've trained, I've eaten my vitamins, said my prayers and I believe I can really do this." Normally, one would believe him, especially since the show is in fact named "Hogan Knows Best", but so far all other attempts to find the loathed terrorist have failed.
"That's because they haven't eaten their vitamins", Hogan claims. “You have to eat your vitamins. Besides, how many members of the U.S military have won several championship titles in all wrestling leagues ever and yet be a great and successful actor?"
Be that as it may, Hogan is over 50, by few considered a time to go searching through caves in the hopes of finding a bearded wackjob. However, being a wackjob with a blonde mustache might make this all the easier, since perhaps Hogan can figure out how Bin Laden thinks, and once he finds Osama, dealing with him should be no real problem, as Hogan has recently signed a contract with life, stating that he gets full creational rights to the ends of all fights viewed by more than 5 people and less than 20. So Osama's hiding places for at least a shot at victory would be either on an NBC show or something lots of people watch due to lack of judgment, like Idol.

Osama has not been available for comment, cementing the belief that he is hiding somewhere. He might even have gone to space, in which case Hogan would have to find the prop from his old movie Suburban Commando, where he played an interstellar hero forced to crash-land on Earth. And it is not like Hogan is himself unused to fighting criminals even on the planet, the show Thunder in paradise showed us all that Hulk Hogan works perfectly fine as a ex-navy SEAL turned mercenary while hunting down criminals. Word is Hogan even plans to use the boat from the show to track down Osama on the seas, should it be necessary. Personally, I am of the opinion that what Hogan really needs is a good tank, but Mr. T has already agreed to hook him up with one built from a lawn-mover, a snow shovel and leftover parts from a German Jag tiger should the need arise.

Unfortunately, however, Mr. T himself has said he will not follow Hulk Hogan in his hunt, citing reasons of "not being a sucka." Whether the Hulk truly needs his once partner is anyone's guess, but it certainly couldn't hurt., seeing as how T brings all that gold-chain protection with him, as well as the skills to turn almost anything that rolls into something considerably more lethal that rolls and throwing people really far.

Whether Hogan will find Osama or not remains to be seen, but this certainly seems a bit more planned out than the regular attention-grabbing we are used to.