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Last week's NewsNews article for the week of 7/24/07. Bush to finally solve Iraq! The White House issued a press release yesterday saying they finally have the answer to the war in Iraq. “It's like, it's like a Rubik's cube, it seems impossible at first, but then you bend it every which way for years and years and years and then you get lucky”, the president was quoted as saying. One wonders whether we could have solved the Iraqi crisis a few thousand times over now, if it really is like a Rubik's cube. Bush says it was when he and Cheney decided to go see Bush's new favourite movie, the one with wizards and things, that things finally became clear. “We simply need to find the prophecy first!” Bush had apparently told Cheney. “I bet we hide prophecies somewhere secret around here!” According to Cheney, Bush was so excited he nearly choked on a gummy-bear. “It was a good thing he didn't eat a pretzel, then it could have turned bad” said Cheney, who admitted to having a small heart-attack at the fact that they could finally solve the “whole oil-supply thing”. But there is a large problem with finding prophecies, and an even larger one with finding the right ones. This means that not only do you have to find a prophecy among hundreds, or maybe thousands, of other prophecies, it also means you have to find that prophecy amongst pretty much anywhere in the world. What makes it more difficult is finding out who did the applicable prophecy, as there are dozens of candidates to choose from, from the modern hacks to the ancient hacks like Nostradamus, to the really ancient hacks from pre-Biblical times. Estimates put this event somewhere in the middle, after the one about the end of the world and before the one about how Paul Mann makes ready his coffee on a Tuesday morning some undetermined week, meaning it was either found by a bad prophet who accomplished it as his best feat, or a better prophet who wrote it down because all the good ones were already taken. This narrows things down a bit, but since most prophecies are of the less important kind, not enough to be able to find it. Bush's strongest supporters, the religious right is divided over this new direction he has taken. Some consider it to be good that he aims to fulfil prophecies, much like Jesus, others claim he has actually seen Harry Potter and is thus clearly in coalition with Satan himself. Most democrats point out that they have believed this all along, or claimed that there is no such thing as Satan, thereby upsetting the Potter-haters even more. Bush has already sent his most competent men on finding that prophecy. This is the same team that tried to find weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, causing many to be incredibly worried about just how much water this new plan holds, especially since prophecies do not grow on trees, although they might grow from trees, at least the ones written down on paper. And unlike WMDs, the American government does not have silos upon silos of prophecies, much to the administration's dismay. Many see this as a desperate last ditch attempt to seem like there is an actual strategy for use in Iraq, others see it as complete nonsense brought on by what happens when you mix one of the most powerful men in the world, the brain of a small and poorly raised child, and pop culture. Bush's attempt to get Indiana Jones to hunt for the prophecy for him certainly reinforces both.
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