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Last week's NewsNews article for the week of 3/24/08. The Perils of Democracy By, Grey Politics The 2008 US Presidential election has been on a heavy boil for some time now, and most of that has just been choosing who will get the chance to be chosen president. Under such intense pressures some wonder if the presidential race itself, whoever it may be between, will be worth the notice as both candidates will surely be burned out after this round of campaigning. Sensing this, the energy drink industry, always looking to one up it's older brother the energy industry, is attempting to step forward to unhook the candidates from their Big Oil diets and onto some of their product as a means of keeping the competition alive. Already some are devising new slogans and recipes based on ingredients old and new, ranging from guava, turbine, extract of roadrunner, kangaroo juice, even powdered Jack Nicholson hair for that extra zing. "Charging Clinton" has been leaked through Internet sources, and not Well either. Apparently little more than Red Bull with a different hairstyle and a new suit it inspires little new confidence but featured much of what is familiar and is reassuring when uncertainty reigns. "McCain Toad" is something that may sound familiar to Australians, more so than anyone else and thus has limited appeal within that southern nation. Though if anyone understands the problems associated with the noxious amphibians they will understand that it is less than flattering to the Republican candidate, the only firm runner in the race so far, and the difficulty in actually marketing something that made the mistake of adding" secret chemicals akin to those found in certain frog secretions" to the mix. More popular may be "Obama Blaster" something that rolls off the tongue and comfortably avoids alliterations as "Barak Baster" sounded too much like the newly developed "Barak Blaster" line of turkey basters being advertised on infomercial by Chevy Chase, the first time the actor/comedian/deadbeat has received positive or neutral attention since kicking Andy Dick. "Obama Blaster" does have one significant problem, Hilary Clinton is planning to use that nickname herself should she somehow managed to gain the Presidential nomination. After the debacle that was the President Regan vs. "Regan Raygun Manufacturers" (a now defunct company that hoped to make orbital Weapons platforms and hoped the name would make them a shoe in for government contracts) law suit of the mid-1980s that led to dogs being allowed to legally own firearms if they can walk on their hind legs for five seconds any attempt by Clinton to sue for control of the name would tarnish her presidential attempts and possibly lead to voting rights for turkeys, who are well known as Republican/Independent fence sitters. Whether this branding issue grows beyond silly names to actual endorsement, such as Bob Dole's support for Viagra (much as we might all try to blot that from our minds it is not a joke) or even becomes popular, as no one wants to consume anything associated with politicians (anyone remember Richard Nixon layer Cake?) remains to be seen. Offers of free energy drinks may see the candidates through to the end, but this may be little more than delaying the inevitable when the sugar rush fades and the crash sets in. |
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