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Last week's NewsNews article for the week of 8/6/09. Cash for Clunkers
Shocks Foreign Nations The Obama administration’s plans to offer $4,500 to car buyers trading in gas guzzlers such as SUVs and hybrid donkey/tanks stunned and frightened the international community, even as it closes down early due to reaching its funding limit. In a short time the $1 billion set aside for the program has been burned through, leading to a staggering number of clean, fuel efficient cars entering American roads. The exact source of the shock was initially difficult to pinpoint until one European politico commented “It’s a good idea. It stimulates a section of the economy, aids the environment and boosts consumer confidence. No one expected a good idea to come from America! We expected more guns, more Reality TV based on talentless talent shows or another sitcom starring the cast of Friends or Seinfeld” Indeed Europe and Asia have been wondering what next to expect, competence from the Italians, egalitarianism from the English? Friendly, fun loving Russians? Members of the Obama administration have tried to hit back by citing the list of other great American ideas, but aside from not entering into a union with Canada and one decision to not import what later turned out to be tainted beef for bulk school lunches. Some thought they might try to claim voting Obama into office as a great idea, but the last guy tried to claim the same thing so no one was ever going to take that seriously. One German politician wondered if Frenchmen with backbone was on the agenda, to which French Prime Minister Nicholas Sarkorsky responded by demanding that Germany take that back, France wasn’t taking another insult lying down. Faced with this sort of topsy-turvy nonsense the world is calling on America to once again lead it with bone headedness. Not all are in agreement, many in Ireland see this as a sign that a new order has taken hold and that now is their time to shine. Taking this a little too literally they are brushing off their stockpile of solar powered flashlights which they are certain will begin to sell soon. Similarly China, once thought of as nothing more than a mass producer of cheap, low quality products, pollution and the future leader of a new world order with ominous overtones, is expecting many, many more hugs this year. That the cash for clunkers scheme has been put on hold indefinitely has not helped matters. Speculation is rife that this is simply a brief lull before President Obama offers Americans vouchers bicycles, helmets and running shoes, tackling the economy, the environment and obesity, achieving the holy trifecta that ensure his position in history as The Dude. Obama helps mole people Broadcast By Grey News (As featured on the RPP Video Update) A stunning revelation was made today when it was revealed that the Obama Administration’s Healthcare Plan contains conditions that benefit the Mole People, who now stand to gain resources that would all but ensure their ability to conquer the world. The latest provisions allow for two sets of sunglasses for every Mole Person over the age of 35 who suffers from one of five conditions, including diabetes and homicidal combat manial. The Mole People have expressed an interest in high quality Raybans, which would allow them to walk the surface world during the day without being blinded. President Obama has promised they will receive nothing more than Blublockers, which will eventually give the Mole People an unending taste for human flesh topped with Jalepeno Jelly, which will surely clog and destroy their sewer system. |
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