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Last week's NewsNews article for the week of 8/20/09. Nazi War Criminals
Running Out of Ideas After sixty years of engaging in what they have called “The Grand Game of Hide and Seek” the remaining Nazi War Criminals of World War II are crying foul. Decades of running, hiding, disguises, false names, false documents, false beards, fictional countries, hidden bank accounts and two secret island bases that turn into flying islands of doom (all containing a simple cut off switch that was never used because they both flew into power lines) have taken their toll on the elderly fugitives. The increased use of complex science, liberal interpretation of eyewitness memory, six decades after events, and the lack of new Loony Tunes cartoons to provide inspiration have lead most of the remaining, living War Criminals to be caught. Convictions have been swifter due to their increasing age, no one wants a villain to die before justice is meted out. The Nazis claim this is blatantly unfair as their hunters are advancing as they are stagnating or even diminishing. An entire unit of seven war criminals was peacefully living in a rural area, mining gems from a nearby mountain when they were stumbled upon by a much taller fair damsel, who later blew their cover when her prince charming turned out to be a Nazi hunter. One trick that succeeded for seven years was one SS commander who wore a sign saying “Not a War Criminal”. It only stopped working when someone bothered to check the validity of the statement. Everyone else thought it was an obvious lie and no one who was really a war criminal would wear such a thing. The most inventive attempt to date had one Nazi disguise himself as a Nazi impersonator for three decades before fatally making the mistake of not being realistic enough for people to figure out he wasn’t acting anymore. Sadly it appears that there is little innovation left. Recently an old man was discovered as a Nazi war criminal after wearing a sign saying “Possibly not a War Criminal” for three years. Recent rumours that Barak Obama is a Nazi may have been spawned by a series of War Criminals disguising themselves as heads of state and other dignitaries. The only reason no one has applied those rumours to Queen Elizabeth II is because even if she’s goose stepping in jackboots there isn’t much Queen Elizabeth II can’t get away with. The War Criminals are saying that they are not going to play any longer if there is nothing to level matters. As they are Nazis and war criminals they are by definition unpopular, and so no one really cares what they say or think, so the hunt continues. Fast Food Vehicle Broadcast By Grey News (As featured on the RPP Video Update) As the alternative fuels market heats up the fast food racket cools down, leading many fried foods franchises to fold or adopt new tactics to take advantage of this situation. Most interesting are the McCar, which is built from leftover hamburgers and fuelled by outdated Happy Meal toys. Or the other way around, it’s hard to tell. Similarly while one would think that Pizza Hutt would use stale pizzas as tyres they are in fact using teams of employees to haul carts around as a part of a new delivery system they plan to mass market. And finally Denny’s is getting into the act by promoting its own alternative to cars: Park at its restaurant and leave on foot, at high speed as they offer you free samples of their latest experimental menu items. |
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