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Last week's NewsNews article for the week of 9/15/09. Swedish stores have
a plan to keep Wal-Mart out Wal-mart's new Project Impact does not stop at merely trying to eradicate everything in the United States that people could spend money on outside of a giant store, it is the stepping stone for Project World Monopoly. Hey, we never said they were good at coming up with names for these sorts of things. Project World Monopoly is a plan to launch more Wal-Marts everywhere once they have completely annihilated the American market and institued a form of socialism where only Wal-Mart sactioned products have a chance of survival. Sweden, already considered socialist by other countries despite currently having a right-aligned government and merely thinking that as good as free healthcare and free education are pretty nifty things, is full of stores fully intent on doing the Wal-Mart thing themselves, and as such cannot allow Project World Monopoly to be completed. ICA, already having tiny stores in every neighborhood and selling not just food but also cheap videogames, movies and books, have said that they will employ guerilla warfare business tactics to keep their customers. With most ICA stores except the giant ones being within walking distance, this plan could very well work. Meanwhile, international giant IKEA is never to be left out of any calculation. The company that made Ingvar Kamprad one of the wealthiest men in the world by selling shoddy furniture for cheap (and then somewhat better furniture for cheap) seems to have a similar modus operandi to Wal-Mart, only more easily found in Europe, and practically everywhere in Sweden, with other stores hopping on to be as close as possible to the furniture-giant. Strength in numbers and the small (meaning Toys 'R Us) seeking protection by the huge. Most companies also seem to try and take the entire thing somewhat peacefully. Giant stores that sell everything feel like a dime a dozen, although Wal-mart takes it to the extreme. Since pharmacies are already controlled by the state (really, Sweden is not socialist, I promise!) and the same goes for booze, and guns are sort of illegal, Wal-Mart would need to cut down on most of its business anyway, and found themselves besieged on all sides by cheap Greman food-stores with terrible working conditions, evil Danish toy empires, ludicrously cheap clothes stores and all sorts of other stuff. Of course if you cram cheap food, clothes and other stuff inside the same building and have only one checkout counter things might get far smoother, but what if you also cram molotov cocktails into it? “I heard those stores have terrible fire-safety protocols. I mean, they would probably just sort of mysteriously self-combust” said the spokesman for ICA known as Stig before he went back to promoting cheap apples, leading many to speculate that violence might be very high up on the list of ways to keep a giant corporation out of a country. Well, that and giant taxes (stupid socialist country!). Political Outburst Broadcast By Grey News (As featured on the RPP Video Update) And now, in honour of Rep. Joe Wilson’s recent outburst of “You lie!” during President Barak Obama’s Health Care address to congress we bring to you a sample of the greatest political non sequiturs in history, without rhyme or reason. “The French are not to be trusted with weaponized chocolate!” “My fellow Germans, I would like to introduce you to Hanaldo, my choreographer.” “The Pope is frying eggs on the buttocks of nuns.” “Talk to the hand!” “General Patton needs more frosting!” “AIDS is an incurable and deadly disease and if allowed to buy property in the lower west side of Manhattan it will start up a string of ethnic restaurants capable of destroying the Atlantic fleet.” “Read my lips, no new taxes.” “Shoop shoop diddy wah, kama kama wang dang.” |