Last week's News

News article for the week of 5/8/05.

Soft Toy Related Murders on the Rise
By Grey News

Investigators have officially declared that there is a relation between soft toys and murders, that this information was kept from the public to prevent a panic and to appease the powerful soft toy lobby and that homicides with this sort of relationship are in fact on the rise.
These are not necessarily murders that result directly from soft toys nor do they involve soft toys as the murder weapon. It has been revealed that certain soft toys and soft toy related products have an unhealthy influence over some people.
At the point the only fear that has been resolved is the fact that children are largely unaffected, unless of course they have ever been referred to as “little Timmy”.
Adults with large numbers of soft toys are particularly at risk, falling under the thrall of their villainous influence. Unfortunately the simple destruction of these toys before the incident does not decrease the likelihood of their occurrence. Apparently once the soft toys have you in their claws there is nothing you can do to escape.
Scientists are yet to fully decipher the means of control, since soft toys can’t bribe anyone with chocolate they are thoroughly stumped and hope to kidnap several people to conduct shadowy experiments in the hope that they will resolve this or some other issue, preferably in relation to waning support for the War on Terror or the ambivalence towards Martha Stewart’s freedom.
Satan, co owner and designer of the new Infernals range of soft toys has denied any allegations that his products corrupt anyone, stating that as long as everyone eats healthy food they should not feel any impulse from his products to kill anyone.
And so the blame has been placed on the likes of McDonalds, Pizza Hutt, Burger King and to a lesser extend KFC. Preliminary tests reveal that unhealthy food does increase the likelihood of homicidal urges in those who consume large quantities of sugar, fat and artificial colouring. In short pretty much everyone in the Western world.
However since none of this is illegal fast food groups are passing the buck on to the government, whom they claim should have been paying more attention to what was being eaten and therefore more stringent in their regulations.
The governments of various nations, or at least those governments that have cared to pay attention to this, have insisted that they cannot be responsible for everything every individual person does or consumes, and have therefore passed along all misgivings to the general public, who the have stated are “. . . nothing more than a bunch of lazy, overfed losers who expect Ma Government or Uncle Committee to legalise or ban on a whim, therefore leaving them blameless.”
The public, being slightly less cohesive than governments, have failed to issue a unified response other than to murder some of their own number.