Last week's News

News article for the week of 5/15/05.

Nothing to See Here
By, Grey News

Official sources in Washington, London, Paris, Beijing, Moscow and Tokyo have all reported that there is absolutely nothing newsworthy happening in the real world.
While these sources could not vouch for the activities of celebrities, small children or anyone in Muncie, Indiana they could be absolutely sure that there was nothing worth reporting about happening anywhere else in the world.
There were no mysterious black helicopters swooping in to pick up people, vehicles or cows. All reports relating to such incidences have been dismissed as cranks out only to cause panic and a spike in automobile and beef prices.
Similarly reports of massive flooding in India, resulting in the devastation of entire cities have been proven as hoaxes. Though the intent behind spreading this particular rumor is unknown, many speculate that it is a deliberate attempt to sell more life preservers, or to continue the massive charity frauds related to the Boxing Day Tsunami. Though this might have been considered newsworthy in and of itself it actually is not due to surveys that show people really don’t want to hear how their money, supposedly going to a good cause is being diverted to less wholesome means.
Similarly this almost news is going unreported due to another survey that shows people really don’t care about surveys.
This lack of news also means that the mysterious objects seen hovering over Berlin are not actually there. These objects which regularly appear over German cities were once dismissed as swamp gas and are now simply not there. Any rumors of the regular panic, awe and attempts to analyze these objects are simply not true since if they were happening something would have been said by now.
When asked if this lack of news on a world wide scale was a sign of things to come the assorted press secretaries, spokespeople and public relations experts responded with a simultaneous chorus of “All is well. All is well. All is well.”
Upon hearing that all is well journalists around the world responded with a simultaneous sigh over the lack of anything to do or to justify their own continuing salaries.
Do not for a moment think that this is news either as most of the major networks and news agencies have prepared for this day and are more than willing to wait out the storm by more in-depth probing into Ben Affleck, Jennifer Aniston, Brad Pitt and if need be Willie Nelson.
While many would consider this to be the worst news day in existence we are fortunate that this is not the case. That title still belongs to the day George Bush I announced his intent to take the 25 top Country and Western musical hits and convert them all to spoken word for release on CD and DVD complete with a dancing Barbara Bush chorus line.
This is only the slowest news day in existence, a much less threatening occurrence.
Officials report that they expect something resembling news to occur tomorrow, the day after that at the latest. Until then everyone is asked to remain calm and not consider anything happening around them to be relevant to their lives in any form.