Last week's News

News article for the week of 6/11/05.

Aliens Refuse Contact Due to TV Content
By, Grey News

In a star telling announcement alien seeking organisations around the world have banded together to announce just why they think that aliens have refused to make contact with we on Earth. The answer is in the quality of television shows.
According to leaders in the alien seeking community there are many, many different strange and alien races out there, just waiting to contact Earth for reasons as varied as peaceful contact, inviting us over for coffee and cake to total global domination and the alteration of humanity for use as lawn furniture.
And yet no one of these alien species has deigned to visit us for the simple reason that the messages we beam out into space are displeasing.
It is well known that every radio transmission we have made from simple ham radio contacts to television signals have been going into outer space since we started this crazy thing. Originally it was speculated that because Hitler’s speeches were among the earliest of visual records we sent out it would bode ill for any future contact made.
However now it is believed that these transmissions were merely what roused alien interest in our isolated little planet, so much so that monitors have been sent to pick up more recent transmissions, so it is modern television that is leading to a general shunning by higher intelligences.
While it would be easy to lay the blame for this at the feet of Reality TV, and everyone does, this is apparently a trend of the last ten years, too long to blame entirely on Reality TV, too short to blame The Simpson’s, as many parent groups would prefer.
Instead Friends is thought to be the biggest culprit, thinning out intelligent programs for year after seemingly endless year of Ross vs. Rachael: The Romance.
Consequently the various leaders of alien seeker organisations want the acting careers of the six core members of the friends cast to be destroyed as an object lesson, however reality already seems to be taking care of that already.
The far harder task that the alliance of alien seekers (they have not yet decided on a suitable name due to all the really witty acronyms already being taken by individual groups) is trying to tone up the quality of television programs.
They have stated that it would be far easier simply to try banning all soap operas they realise that this is unfeasible for the immediate future. Similarly they do not want to load the airwaves with boring documentaries least Earth becomes known as the planet of the stamp collectors.
As yet there is no organised resistance to this idea. Networks are paying attention with an eye towards giving the masses what they want, if this movement takes off somehow they will adjust programming accordingly.
The only real opposition for the moment comes from the half witted actor wannabes who crave attention so desperately that Reality TV and Soap Operas look like an attractive alternative.
Since this debate gives them the opportunity to appear on news shows they are also in favour of it, owing to the increased airtime.
What this means for the future is uncertain, however it does mean that any sort of alien contact is very, very distant.