Past Opinion Articles

Article for the week of 3/14/06

Xphile’s Tapes: Secrets Revealed IX.... aka Why Disney Backs Starbucks
By, Grey Xphile

Recently some of my work caught the attention of a fellow Grey and was, surprise, surprise, taken seriously. I must admit that it was refreshing for someone to actually believe me when I kept saying that I was telling the truth. In fact I would go as far as saying it was a novelty, which really is saying something about the general intelligence level of people in general.
Sorry if that sounds just a tad bitter.
And don’t worry, this isn’t going to change me.
Here’s evidence.
Right now I’ve got dirt on one of the most insidious organisations on Earth and Mars, the Disney Corporations.
I know that you’re going to be familiar with the mundane stuff, lawsuits, copyright issues back and forth, buyouts, backroom shenanigans, all the stuff that has made that big eared mouse one of the most feared sights in the world.
Well, when it’s on the side of a heavily armed helicopter and not in an appropriate theme park that is.
What I’m talking about was probably best summed up by the source I found in Florida:
“It started when Disney acquired that cruise line. In the beginning it was the obvious stuff, cheap clothes, people, cocaine, nothing too insidious. Except for some of the people, that’s how Shakira got into the country.
“That sort of thing was rich pickings, really got money rolling in at a time when EuroDisney was a great big hole in the ground that they were trying to fill with money.
“It wasn’t enough. Before long they started shipping the hard stuff.”
As usual this source took great risks to bring us this information. It also means that I cannot give you much more of his testimony.
The basics are that Disney is smuggling in coffee. Why? I don’t know. Who for? Starbucks, obviously.
No one has noticed that the boards and shares of both Disney and Starbucks have become so intermingled that they may as well be married.
The best theory I can come up with is that Disney wants Starbucks to be so successful that they can offer cheap, cheap coffee that is still of high enough quality to knock over any competition.
This leads into the recent development of Starbucks Minis. While this smaller than average coffees are supposedly marketed as being for those looking for a quick dose of caffeine, however the servings are perfectly sized and dosed for children.
I’m not sure what Disney wants with a bunch of hyperactive children. Possibly to have them gong through the rides and two or three times the normal rate and thus causing exhausted parents to pay more leading to an increase in profits.
Wow, that’s insidious. I mean, of course this is exactly what’s going to happen. There, I’ve said it, now you know.