Past Opinion Articles

Article for the week of 5/17/06

Xphile’s Tapes X: Cellphones and Something To Do With Cancer
By, Grey Xphile

Now I know that headline has your attention, every paranoid lunatic from here to that place that isn’t here and is even further away than next to here has a pet theory or two on the connection between cellphones, transmitter towers, cancer and small flying dogs from Krypton!
And I’m no different.
Well, I am in that you can trust me. And I’m not a complete nut. And I’m right. I can prove it, better than that jerk Charles Walter Windsome and his “rice pudding equals your head, now watch as I put it in the microwave with tinfoil” experiment.
Now I don’t have any lame little experiments that anyone can do, cheating all the way, just to grab attention like cheap headlines.
Uh, anyway, on to my proof.
What follows is a tape made by persons unknown, I’ve referred to them as X and Q respectively.
Q: So I told her that was that, no more touching my stuff without my permission, even if it is to clean. She’d never know what she was turning over.
X: Dude, I’m so with you, my mother wouldn’t know a vintage Hulk from the average Batman.
Q: Who cares about Hulk? Average Batman beats Hulk anytime.
X: Not Ultimate Hulk.
Q: Yeah Ultimate Hulk.
X: Dude, Ultimate Hulk tears Wolverine in half and deleted bad guys.
Q: Yeah, Ultimate Hulk against Ultimate Wolverine, wussiest of all the Wolverines. Hey, did you just say deleted instead of swearing?
X: Yeah. We’re super secret conspirators, who knows who could be listening.
Q: Your mom could be listening.
X: Don’t joke. My mom’s the one who’s set all the cellphones to cure cancer.
Q: Cure cancer? What’s so secretive and conspiratorial about that?
X: Plenty.
Q: Sure, what’s your mom on?
X: Hey, don’t knock my mom. She wants them curing cancer, they’ll cure cancer?
Q: Why? I thought we were evil.
X: Nuh-uh, we’re good. Like the Illuminati.
Q: That’s supposed to be evil like the Illuminati. And I thought we were the Illuminati.
X: No we’re not. Why else would we be curing cancer at random?
Q: That’s what I asked you!
X: Dude, . . . Just Dude!
Q: This is what you get when your mom gives you a job.
X: At least my mom loves me enough to give me a job I like, yours sent you hear because you hate science and she hates you.
Q: I do not hate science and that’s my step mom.
The tape ends there, and I think that says it all.
Okay, everything except why they want cellphones to cure cancer, who they are, what overarching motives they possess and where they are.
What we do know is that they are nepotistic, vague, mildly incompetent and, uh, well, uh, maybe not that much of a problem?
So they’re not much of an obvious threat, at least now you know!