Past Opinion Articles

Article for the week of 7/4/06

Xphile’s Tapes XI: You Can Damn Well Be Sure I’m Going To Say

Something About All Those Damn Celebrity Births!

By, Grey Xphile

As was predicted last week I am wading into this thing that is causing celebrities from Lips Jolie, Hair Pitt, Complete and Utter Monkey Loco Cruise and even Matt Damon and Jack Black are spawning.
Now famous people breeding is nothing new, it’s just unfortunate, case in point anyone with the surname Jackson, Osmond or Hilton.
When so many of them start popping out offspring at once, that’s when there’s something afoot.
And so here I am.
Now, first thing I need to make clear is that there is a conspiracy involving celebrities breeding and birthing simultaneously.
While that is happening there are also various individual plans, each one nefarious and horrific in it’s own right, motivating stars to spawn.
Tom Cruise for example desperately wants to put to behind him those gay rumours.
How and why is this horrific?
Has anyone seen his daughter?
Does anyone believe that Katie Holmes looks like she just gave birth?
The evil here is not what he’s doing, it’s how he’s doing it.
What’s going on? Who knows, but it’s evil!
Jolie, now her motives are evil, she’s treating children like collectable items!
No sooner than she gives birth than she starts looking for another one!
As far as I can tell Brad Pitt is just the poor sap who’s wanted a child and this is what he wound up with.
Does Jennifer Aniston have any active part in this? Good question, though since she’s hooked up with Vince Vaughn I don’t think anyone wants to see her breeding any time soon.
And as hard to believe that Matt Damon is in on this sort of thing he is. I know, I know, Matt Damon, paragon of virtue inside the cesspool of Hollywood, what could he possibly want with a child other than the joy of procreation?
I’m not sure, outside of some vague rumours involving the Talking Immortal Monkey, only the timeline doesn’t mesh. Then there are the stories around a new Star Trek movie, which I hardly think could be nefarious.
Personally I think he’s acting at the behest of that bastard Ben Affleck. Oh sure Affleck has a wife, but the spawning of that one was out of sync with everyone else, what could he do other than force his poor, long suffering friend, impressionable Matt Damon, to do the work for him.
Like freaking Good Will Hunting all over again. And you can bet Robin Williams had a part in this somehow!
As for the overall conspiracy, there are two strong lines of evidence, in fact they’re not even contradictory so maybe they’re both happening at once or something like that.
One is that it’s the spawning of a new brat pack of actors and actresses. And it follows that these could count as the next generation of celebrity brats in the style of Paris Hilton.
Sure, I can handle Paris Hilton mark II in twenty years time, you say. Well imagine that fifteen, maybe even thirty times over. That’s what we’re facing.
And they’ll all have rich, movie-producing parents.
I know no one wants to see another House of Wax.
The other theory is this is the beginning of a new stage act based on famous children. Not waiting till they’re grown up, in five or seven years time there’s “Famous Kids: The Musical!”
At least that one wouldn’t be broadcast on TV and movie theatres.
So what can we do?
Well first thing to do is stop taking Tom Cruise seriously. Okay that’s one’s starting to happen, but if Mission Impossible IV gets underway we’re in trouble.
Secondly we need to kill theatre. Oddly enough the Poptarts and Boy Banders who are taking to Broadway aren’t doing that.
Finally we need to stop celebrities taking over third world countries like Namibia, Nigeria and Canada!
In the mean time I’ll keep my ears to the ground and find out which way this is going, and preparing a nice media proof bunker for myself.