Past Opinion Articles

Article for the week of 11/6/08

Xphile’s Tapes XXV: Stop Paying Attention to the Distractions and Listen to Me!
By Grey Xphile
You know, sometimes I just despair at all of you.
Running around oblivious to everything that’s going on. I can understand it sometimes, it’s not like it’s easy to deal with increasing numbers of mole people in the food preparation industry with their lax hygiene standards. It’s even easy to overlook the increasing number of hyper intelligent orang-utans dating humans in an attempt to increase their genetic potential since Madonna became single again.
It’s hard to notice some of the things going on right now, I get it, but you have to try, even through some of the most epic distractions in human history.
This whole monetary/credit crisis thing for example. Huge disaster, massive catastrophe, worldwide economy going down the toilet faster than . . . I won’t go there because there are some things even I won’t reveal – at any rate it’s all a giant distraction.
I’m not saying that anyone did it deliberately, from what I can tell everyone, Presidents, Kings, Emperors, The Queen, and even a few Mayors knew that this or something like this was in the wings, they just didn’t think it would be this bad.
Not that it’s stopping anyone from trying to take advantage of it.
Go ahead, take a close look at how many kitchen sponges are being brought up by the Italian government. Or maybe you should question why Barak Obama is investing heavily in Adult Sanitary Undergarments. That’s right. The great hope for the future of American government is buying up stocks in adult diapers. Just say that seven or nine times and you’ll realise there’s something not right in the room.
And of course there are the elections.
Note the use of the plural.
The US elections had everyone’s attentions, but there are also the Canadian, New Zealand, Japanese, Austrian and Antarctican elections taking place, a whole bundle of electoral and political distraction in places that sometimes maybe matter a little in the sidebar of things.
What does an election hide, you legitimately ask? Ordinarily this sort of thing dredges up all sorts of dirt during the upheaval of the political system.
What better distraction for everyone working in the hat making industry.
Hats are priced according to size, under this massive election hysteria hat sizes have been regarded by three full steps. What was once a size fifteen, slightly above average, is now an eighteen. To compensate new sizes one through three have been made, and the new size zero cannot logically exist in real space and yet remains an observable phenomena.
This paradox could tear the world apart, cause a time-space rift or another Police Academy movie.
We need to prevent this. We need to pay attention. We need to look beyond the crisis and elections and Madonna on the prowl for man-flesh and finally deal with the real problems of the world.


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