Past Opinion Articles

Article for the week of 5/24/05

Xphile’s Tapes: Secrets Revealed IV
By, Grey Xphile

With all the attention lately on Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith it seemed appropriate that I do the same. After all, the US government is also going Star Wars mad trying to put weapons in space, why not me? Uh, with Star Wars that is, not weapons in space. Honest.
I know what you’re thinking, what am I doing jumping on a bandwagon? Simple. Ratings.
I need to bring people in, this seemed like a way of doing it without sacrificing my integrity.
No, really.
To that end I managed to secure an interview with one of the key movers and shakers within the Jedi Order, Anakin Skywalker.
I have to admit, he’s come a long way since his days as a padawan. However as we shall see he either still lacks some integral knowledge or else is deviously cunning.
<Tape Begins>
Grey Xphile: So, Anakin, we meet at last.
Anakin Skywalker: We met last Thursday. You wanted an interview and I thought you were with an important publication.
GX: I am.
AS: Yeah. Anyway I don’t just dump an appointment. I’m trying to get a media friendly reputation.
GX: Okay. I suppose I should start with the one big question. Anakin Skywalker, who is your daddy?
AS: Excuse me?
GX: So come on, answer. Who’s your daddy?
AS: What?
GX: Who’s your daddy? You should know this one. It’s really simple.
AS: Well, I was told that the medichlorians –
GX: No! Not those. Medicholorians are just Qui Gon Jin’s fevered delusions after a few too many bottles of Sith strength vodka. No medichlorians, this is The Force we’re talking about, and The Force ain’t your daddy.
AS: But my mother said –
GX: Your mother’s lying to cover up the fact she had the bad taste to hang around with space accountants on Friday nights.
AS: Stop saying those sorts of things about my mother, it’s making me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry.
GX: Stealing lines from Bruce Banner is not going to help. Although when Banner said that to me he was right, him being angry wasn’t fun. So it probably is a good idea not to press it. Anyway, let’s get back to the question of who your daddy is. Come on, I’ve asked this of George W. Bush and he had the answer.
AS: Of course he did, George Bush senior, one of the presidents in days gone by. That was easy, even for George W. Bush.
GX: Not like that, I mean like when I asked Luke Skywalker who his daddy was.
AS: That’s easy too, it’s me. I married his mother.
GX: Yes, but not like that, you’re his daddy for other reasons.
AS: I would hope I was his father, after all we’ve been through. And on top of that there were the appearances on Oprah, Dr Phil, Sally Jessie, it’s just not funny anymore.
<Tape ends>
As you can see I really wasn’t able to get all that much out of him. This means that Anakin Skywalker is either the dimmest bulb in a house without power or the single most cunning individual in existence to out talk me. Me. Everyone knows I don’t shut up.
One thing is for sure, Anakin Skywalker has a daddy, someone who will beat him until the sun goes down. And when this person is found only then will balance be restored to The Force, and will we have a credible ally to take down Steven Spielberg.