Sports from the past week.

Past sports article for the week of 6/19/05

Sunbathing Extreme
By, Grey Sports

In what must surely be the death knell for Extreme Sports the announcement that Extreme Sunbathing will be allowed at the competitive level has been greeted by the groans of the middle-aged men who invented the genre.
Extreme Sunbathing was originally used to describe two different things. The first was similar to the many skateboarding events we see today, only with tanning oil and the stipulation that players must stay out of the shade as often as possible to obtain an even colouration.
To be honest this version was extreme simply because of the lack of safety equipment on the participants and the lack of clothing. However as long as everyone wore helmets on their heads state and county regulations were obeyed and it all went ahead.
The second form was similar to laser surgery in that intense beams of light would be focused on the human body. This sport was based more upon the endurance, or stupidity depending upon who you ask, of the players.
Now these two forms have been combined, with scantily clad contestants racing down courses trying to avoid a laser beam while obtaining the perfect tan.
Rumours are that everyone ever involved with James Bond is suing for having some of their best ideas stolen. Thankfully scantily clad women are not as copyrighted as some might like to think.
Rumour has it that if this format is not successful it will be turned into the third and still surprisingly popular variant of having people in tanning booths racing to see who can attain the perfect skin tone.
Not an improvement for the genre but certainly a women’s sport I would enjoy.
All of this is largely irrelevant however compared to the statement this makes about the sad, sad, sad turn of events that has lead Extreme Sports to this. What had started out as an adrenalin junkie couch potato’s greatest dream has become a nightmare of spandex, sponsors and gimmicks.
Indeed, to accommodate these three factors Extreme Sunbathing has, well, it’s Extreme Sunbathing, there’s the gimmick right there, spandex is what the safety netting is made of and sponsors are now being airbrushed onto torsos, with the distinct possibility of tattooing in the future.
Other Extreme Athletes have now been forced to take a good, long look at themselves and consider what it is that they are trying to do if this is what their life’s calling has come to. With so many bleached blondes the threat of cerebral overload is a very real possibility.
Analysts predict that Extreme Sunbathing will eliminate what little respect and admiration for Extreme Sports there are, and even with nearly naked women being a steady staple of the event there is expected to be little interest from all but the most desperate of sponsors and viewers who cannot even afford the basics of the Internet.