Sports from the past week.

Past sports article for the week of 7/26/05

Fireballs Ruled Illegal
By, Grey Sports

In a move that has surprised many generations, the use of fireballs has been banned in Ice Hockey. The sudden ability of Ice Hockey players, and no small number of fans, to generate fireballs a few months ago was something of a surprise, surpassed only by the sudden ingenuity with which everyone put them to use in the game itself.
While authorities have decried the use of fireballs in every day life, the number of fireball related crimes and injuries have tripled since the events. It is the sports world that is crying the loudest.
While the fireballs were at first a novelty, the humor at melting the ice beneath an opponent, or even a teammate’s feet, soon wore off. Once this occurred nature took it’s course and the players and fans started using these fireballs upon each other.
To date while there have been no deaths the sheer amount of property destruction has been staggering. Nine stadiums, fourteen goals and scores of hockey sticks have been reduced to ash, and that’s just sports related property that was deliberately attacked.
Caught in the crossfire, hotdogs, beer and even cars have been destroyed. Only the long-standing Hockey tradition of hitting things with sticks has prevented anyone from becoming dangerously inventive with these newfound powers.
All the same, authorities are clamping down on the practice, threatening to ban players for a year and fans on a more permanent basis, seats bought and paid for or not.
Predictably the reaction of the fans and players has been heated, no pun intended.
While no violence has been threatened this is hockey, no matter what there will be violence, it’s just the way of things.
Several players have stated that these newfound powers were not a matter of choice, but a random event that resulted in a general upgrade in skills, and as such cannot be banned any more than three-meter arms, x-ray vision or a cannon as a leg.
Hockey authorities have countered these claims by stating that though it may be the case that these powers are a natural development, an extension of the hockey skills they lack the balancing issues of previous developments. For example fireballs cannot be broken as arms can, distracting as x-ray vision can or be mistaken for a pizza oven as a cannon leg can.
This argument looks set to disrupt yet another year’s series of games as players, managers and owners find themselves deadlocked in what fans see as just another trivial issue.