Sports from the past week.

Past sports article for the week of 10/17/05

Gary Coleman suits up for Football
By, Grey Sports

What many consider to be the first truly positive development in former child star Gary Coleman’s career in the last fifteen years has come to fruition today as he signed a contract with The Green Bay Packers to act as their personalized football.
Full details of the agreement have yet to be released, though it is understood that this deal is provisional, with Coleman confirmed only for practice sessions and the first three games of next season. Based upon his performance in these trials the deal may become permanent, signaling a long awaited comeback for one of the worlds most notorious sitcom stars since Mr Ed’s unfortunate foray into children’s films.
Sources close to Coleman state that the idea came from fellow child star and successful rebound case, Danny Bonnaducci, who’s radio career was launched on the back of a three year stint as a special guest steering wheel at the Indianapolis Speedway.
The Green Bay Packers also stand to gain in this deal, they hope that some consistent performance combined with a little extra effort on the part of the ball will improve averages.
Opposing teams need not worry as Coleman is required to remain neutral, expending his energies equally for all participating teams, as mandated when Dennis Quaid acted as ball during the home games for the LA Lakers for one season.
Critics claim that this action could easily backfire on Coleman, for while this does cater to his shorter stature it fails to distance any success he makes form his height. As this is what has consistently handicapped the majority of his ventures to date becoming a football seems to be a bad move.
Additionally there is a chance that this will turn into a sporting disaster. Everyone remembers Roseanne Barr-Arnold-Fortensky-Hefner-Gluck’s fateful impression on the sporting world. And then there was her singing!
Working in Coleman’s favor is the general high quality of work most actors have given the sports world. For every Roseanne, Andy Kaufmann or Christian Slater that brings a sport to a new low there are two Adam Sandler’s, three Bette Middlers or even two and a half Leonard Nimoy’s.
In a strange way sport is the opposite of music.
At any rate both the Packers and Coleman may have simply found what they are looking for. The Packers receive that extra little edge all teams feel they need, while Coleman finally gets exposure outside of his old show and courtrooms.
The long-term complications will eventually kill this arrangement, both Gary Coleman and the Green Bay Packers are known for their temperamental manner and showboating, indeed, harsher critics have wondered why Coleman was not picked for the mascot position.
However both sides are only in this for the short-term gains, which is only fitting for even Coleman, known as “The Toughest Black Man in America” for beating both Mr T and Samuel L Jackson in a cage match in 1999, can take only so much punishment.