Sports from the past week.

Past sports article for the week of 10/22/05

Competitive Speed Dating Rules Nearing Completion
By, Grey Sports

The sporting event that has been called “simple minded meat farming for all ages”, “Reality TV without the scripts” and everything in between is another step closer to completion with the final rules needing only one last test before being authorised and the initial bouts begin.
The game is almost exactly like the civilian event in that Competitive Speed Dating will consist of equal numbers of men and women paired off and spending five minutes with each other, engaged in a high speed form of seduction.
The crucial difference for the moment is how exactly each team manages to earn points.
Split along gender lines for obvious reasons men score points for each contact detail, piece of personal information and promise of another date, while women score points for every successful denial.
Several problems have arisen from this format, most predominantly that it plays on the old stereotypes of women as cold and distant while men are portrayed as only wanting sex.
Additionally the lack of homosexual teams has led to some legal proceedings. The regulating body does not recognise gay or lesbian speed dating, though rumours from high ranking members state that an expansion into this area is a possibility at some unspecified date.
The conversion of the romantic process into a game has raised the ire of moral leaders, compounding the problem since this means that the game offends left, right and centre across the political spectrum.
Rumour has it that several organisations are supporting Competitive Speed Dating as a means of further unifying the fractured political landscape.
In the meantime the rules are being solidified, with the allocation of points being the only remaining serious stumbling block, now that it has been decided that flowers are legal items whereas chocolate and jewellery is not.
All agree that one to two points per successful pick up or block per team member is appropriate, with single or half points for each contact detail and possibly something similar for intimate personal details.
Conflict remains over the issue of scoring when someone, well, scores. This would unbalance the game slightly as anything the female team members do could count towards this, whereas men are seen as the only ones with easily confirmable options.
Additionally the prospect of opposing team mates has consequences beyond those normally associated with sports.
Preparations continue apace all the same, with cities across America, and a few in Europe, preparing male and female teams.
One of the few words of praise is that teams are being assembled from more than just the most attractive echelons of society. It was decided early on that the teams would have to seduce each other, thereby requiring intelligent, engaging individuals, not simply attractive, yet vapid meat bags.
With the opening games scheduled to begin in Spring 2006, the season of love, the scrambled preparations look to be paying off, with sponsors lining up to take part in what may be the ultimate cheapening of the human experience since Billy Ray Cyrus.