Sports from the past week.

Past sports article for the week of 11/20/05

A Cozmic Sport Short

Turkey bowling

By, Cozmic

Yes, really! In an attempt to earn even more money on Thanksgiving, several large companies have banded together to form the NTBL, the National Turkey Bowling League. Turkey bowling is a lot like regular bowling, except instead of a bowling ball, players use a frozen turkey (attempts with live turkey's resulted in several deaths and meat “well-done”), and instead of pins they attempt to knock down glass jars of stuffing. Most human rights organizations were appalled by this waste of food, seeing as how there are people starving and most turkeys suddenly vanished from the shelters only to appear as projectiles in a sport. The immediate solution was to let the homeless become the competitors, letting whoever won take home both the turkey and the stuffing. The problem is that the jars are quite thin, and thus prone to breaking when hit by a frozen, beheaded bird approaching at high velocities. This, in turn, results in the prize becoming a tangled mass of cranberries, glass and fowl, quite unsuitable for eating, and even more unsuitable for bowling than it already was.
The league also seems to be facing some serious problems, as the winners usually end up being unable to move for a week due to being stupid enough to actually eat their prizes, and the audience thus far seems unable to tell who's who, as they all look the same when covered with cranberry sauce. Nevertheless, corporate America seems to believe in their latest venture, and why shouldn't they? Millions of dollars have been spent on marketing, an approach that's been highly successful in the past, although whether turkey bowling will be as successful as wrestling (originally made to get more money out of Halloween), still remains to be seen.