Sports from the past week.

Past sports article for the week of 11/26/05

New Steps in Smart Hunting Less than Satisfactory
By, Grey Sports

Seeking prey that is “smarter than the average bear” sports hunters are turning to science and technology to give them prey that will be entertaining and offer something to truly brag about.
The general consensus among sports hunting associations is that they have exhausted their options in hunting wild animals. The majority have as many stuffed trophies of large game that they can legally hunt, and more than a few stuffed animals that they have hunted illegally. However, even new hunters with far fewer trophies and war stories feel fully satisfied, mostly because they know that everyone else has done this before, there is no challenge left.
The hunting of humans has been a short-term solution at best. While humans are far more cunning than animals they also tend to be far more stupid, taking risks and chances and making mistakes that animals, relying solely on instinct, will not.
Of course the obvious solution of hybrid mutants made from both human and animal DNA was attempted. The result was less than satisfactory. Instead of some sort of Dark Angle type creature or even a Dr Moreau style beast the result was usually more of a Garfield type, lasagna eating house cat that could talk, was sarcastic and liked to kick dogs.
Experimentation with elephants was apparently worse, resulting in something that looked huntable but had all the survival traits of Paris Hilton without her cellphone.
Now a new direction is being taken: Cyborgs.
Initial studies show that Cyborgs retain enough of their biological thinking to either use the intellect of a human or the instinct of an animal while remaining programmable with strategy, and anything else the appropriate brain cannot contain.
Additionally cybernetic limbs and organs can result in a faster, stronger prey, greatly adding to the experience of the hunt.
It seemed like a good idea, so naturally they had to go one further and develop hybrid mutant cyborgs.
I have to say at this point that it was not really the hunters’ fault, I have never met a mad scientist of the caliber necessary to successfully undertake this sort of task to understand the concept of “less is more”.
All the same, I’m told that the centaurs with flamethrowers built into their left arms and small jump boosters at the equine shoulders and hips is exactly what was sought after.
The same could not be said for the lionman with wheels, the rhinopeople with wings or the utterly useless fully automatic chimp.
Worse yet is the bureaucratic nightmare as these things seek civil or at least animal rights to protect themselves. Apparently someone wired a lawyer up to a computer and mixed in some skunk, just so you get an idea about how bad this is.
Once again sports hunters find themselves forced to justify their actions, though this time succeed or fail the consequences fall on all of us, for there were indeed VTOL Cowmen with a taste for vegetarian chili developed.