Sports from the past week.

Past sports article for the week of 12/12/05

Ultimate Snowman Challenge!!

By, Cozmic

It's that time of year again! That's right, the annual world champion snowman competition is launching yet again! This beloved event got some bad publicity last year, after attempts to hold the contest in Hawaii resulted in the death of several well-known contesters, such as Frosty XIX, and Sludgey IX, long-distance relative to the legendary Frosty line.
Fortunately, the arrangers have managed to stay cool this year, and the contest will be held in Alaska, to commemorate the memory of Frosty XII, who got separated during a blizzard and was never fully recovered.
Questions on whether to let Abe “the Abominable” Snowman participate this year have still not been answered, but most decide that the judges will argue against each other over this, some claiming that Abominable is made up of way too little water, far under the demanded amount of 89.9%, while others claim that he since he actually IS a snowman, he should be allowed to run, even if he squashes the opposition, as was seen in the great contest of '98.

Tomorrow the fight for the championship title will begin with what is by many the most important part of the competition.. beauty! Mostly because this is the only time during the contest where all contenders are still whole, as opposed to dirtied up. Many of the larger snowmen feel at a disadvantage in this event, as they are not as perfectly round as the smaller ones, instead looking like cylinders stacked upon each other. Frosty XIX, while no Frosty XVII, is expected to rack home the highest points, with his timeless good looks and carrot nose, although Abe, if allowed to compete, might be a dangerous contestant with his almost human features, and highly interesting texture work.

The next event is guaranteed to rearrange some faces, and other parts too! The snowball fight is always fierce, but the ban against using shovels and catapults doesn't seem to have done anything to help the cold men's boiling temper and lust for mutilating one another. There are no warm feelings in the snowball fight. Aside from the ever so skilled Frosty, the giant known as Frackinuge, is a favourite contender. He might be the biggest and slowest, but while this makes him an easy target, it also means he has a very large surface area to cover, and he's also capable of throwing the largest snowballs with his oak branch arms, provided the “Abominable Snowman” doesn't get to compete. In which case the fight would get truly interesting.

And finally, of course, after the toboggan run, no snowman contest would be complete without the weightlifting. While many contestants arms are expected to snap like twigs (mostly because twigs tend to snap like twigs..), high hopes are, once again, on Frosty XIX, and of course Frackinuge is also quite capable in this event, but might have problems with his body not holding when his arms do, leading to them quite simply falling out. Abe, of course, does not have this problem, but as a creature of fairly fleshy parts, he might not get to contend, and as such, the odds for him winning are so far very low.
Regardless of who competes and who doesn't, and which contester tries to drug himself up with a cold water bath, we here at RPP promise to give you the run-down of this annual tradition. Provided we get a plane ticket to Alaska, and arctic weather gear that will leave us all warm and fuzzy. In other words, don't get your hopes up.