Sports from the past week.

Past sports article for the week of 2/7/06

Equestrian Trash Talk Goes Too Far
By, Grey Sports

Pre and Post race interviews in several recent Boston equestrian events became particularly ugly in recent weeks as several competing groups began a trash talk war the likes of which far exceeded anything previously seen on Jerry Springer.
Trash talk has long been an unspoken part of all horse related events, from the simple jockeys at racetracks to the venomous banter at royal foxhunts. What happened at Boston was not even unusual in and of itself.
This was no high and mighty affair full of pomp and ceremony, nor was it a down and dirty race, instead falling between these the Boston Regional Equestrian Competitions is an annual event that draws the top talent from a number of fields, racing, dressage and bomb manufacture predominantly.
With such a diverse range of competitors and supporters it was only natural that the trash talk be as varied.
Indeed it was at a Boston event that Husky Two Lips called Princess Medusa the “Bastard offspring of Mr Ed and Big Bird,” after seeing Princess parade about with giant yellow feathers and engage in a puppet show with her jockey.
Ironically, as we all know Husky himself went on to star in a short-lived spin-off, “The Son of Mr Ed”, leading to all sorts of rumours regarding his own parentage.
Nonetheless the three way war of words between Ivan Durenge, Jubilee of the Five Mountains Flowering in Autumn and Alaskan Grapefruit.
Alaskan Grapefruit was certainly the instigator, calling into question the ridiculous name of Ivan belonging to someone who is not Russian.
Instead of returning fire on Grapefruit Durenge instead opened up on Jubilee of the Five Mountains Flowering in Autumn, repeating the often heard complaints that a jockey should not have a more impressive name than his horse, spicing up the dialogue with allusions to overcompensation, envy and more than a little recreational impropriety involving a soccer ball.
No stranger to this sort of speculation Jubilee of the Five Mountains Flowering in Autumn repeated the claim that he was the son of legendary jockey Snitzy, reminded everyone in the press that his full name had to be written out no matter what, ignored the vulgar implications with aplomb and ruined the scene by calling both opponents mice in bed.
Ivan’s bellows were missed in Grapefruit’s attempt to punch Jubilee of the Five Mountains Flowering in Autumn. Being the only horse there and lacking hands and therefore fists ruined the attempt before it began.
Not even the race between these three and another four worthy contenders took the fight out of them. If anything the exertion raised tempers.
Jubilee of the Five Mountains Flowering in Autumn attempted to put this energy into the race, and may have won had not his steed Saturday Isn’t Good For Me tripped and collided with fourth ranked contender No I Did Not See This Coming.
Equipment failure means that the tie between Ivan on I Could Be Neo and Alaskan Grapefruit may never be resolved, leading to the disgusting display after the game which degenerated into a shouting match that makes the average Presidential Debate look like a clean fight.
This is hardly an isolated incident, simply the most publicised and possibly a dire warning of things to come.
It is rapidly becoming the opinion of many that the only possible solution to this is to put an end to talking jockeys.