Sports from the past week.

Past sports article for the week of 2/27/06

Winter Olympics 2006

The Winter Olympics Thus Far

By, Grey Sports

Frequently referred to as “the proper Olympic Games’ poor, inbred cousin” and “What?” the Winter Olympics, presently pottering along in Italy, is still worthy of some note, as anything that involves snow, ice and high speed, uncontrolled jumps and falls is sure to provide entertainment for someone eventually.
However take the fact that this article is being written before the thing actually finishes as my opinion on the worth of the Winter Olympics.
It has been a controversial set of games thus far.
As of yesterday all rocket powered devices have been banned after a set of rocket skis melted a practice jump slope and initiated a tidal wave come avalanche as the water froze into a solid wall half way down the mountainside.
This has angered the Chinese and Spanish teams who had a friendly competition going on between their two booster backpack designs.
Consequently both harbour significant ill will towards the British team, who conceived the rocket skis and attempted to use them, and glare accordingly at the Australians and their rocket skates.
This brings us to Figure Skating, which seems to have gone out of it’s way to retain the title of “Bitchiest Sport Ever” with the semi-finals seeing Italy, Canada and Japan knocked out during trash talking.
That one Chinese competitor’s head may have exploded due to illegal drug use rather than because of a comment about his eyeliner is still being investigated. The true import of this event is to demonstrate the run of bad luck the Chinese are experiencing. No amount of draconian training and biological manipulation can help against the forces of fate it seems, giving the Chinese cause to cry foul, not that anyone cares since this is the cold Olympics.
Equestrian events were even less substantial than usual after horses proved to be far smarter than any humans on the field and refused to co on the ice, down the jumps, through the runs, or through flaming ice sculpture hoops.
Their dismounted jockeys attempted to do all this without rides.
Critics claim that these poorly planned attention grabbing stunts are not enough to prevent the decline of the world’s least popular sporting event, Nude Airhockey rising two notches after including a “Hot Chick’ segment.
The Winter Olympic Commission has denied ever part of this argument, instead claiming that the poorly planned elements are in fact “hip, chic and spontaneous”.
Representatives of the Commission added that more attention is not needed, and that the nude cross country ski events are not a hollow attempt to imitate betters, even though no one mentioned that last part.
Will the Winter Olympics bounce back? Can the new events draw public attention away from their expanding guts? Are the glory days of winter sports just around the corner?
Meh.