Past Sports from the past week.

Past sports article for the week of 10/20/06

Super-villain Olympics closes up!

(Continued from games on hold)

By, Cozmic

One fake moustache and some glasses later (how they didn't recognize me even AFTER I dropped my moustache, I will never know), I am back in Latveria to report on the results of the super-villain olympics. And also to assassinate Mysterio, because NO ONE frames Cozmic! No one!
The much delayed discus-event finally took place, although Magneto's throw proved to be very heard to beat. That is, until Bane beat Magneto upside the head on orders from the Joker. Of course, Joker's frisbee with the razor edges managed nothing more than to kill a few Latverians. The subsequent assault by Doctor Doom added Joker to the list of people too injured to compete, much to the joy of everyone else.
The javelin throw further added to the injury list. Most surprising was that Lex Luthor was still standing up after the carnage that nearly ruptured Two Face's spleen, mildly irritated Doctor Doom, had rocket-powered javelin's hurled everywhere, had Magneto feel extra cocky and caused Mysterio to somehow get impaled to the bar meant for the pole vault. And the Penguin found out that umbrella's are really lousy projectiles, and actually end up going backwards when caught in a strong wind(poor Two Face.. and I could have sworn I saw Storm laughing in the stands).
The pole vault itself was, as far as super-villain olympics go, rather tame. Mysterio somehow tricked everyone into thinking that he jumped over 30 meters into the air, but the holographic projector was discovered later, and once turned off, also revealed that Mysterio had a very large hole through his gut. Magneto was sure he had the win so easy, until he realized his pole was made out of plastic and then deployed a flag that said “Bang”, causing him to get shocked enough to hit the bar with his face. And of course Doom sailed over with relative ease.
The hurdles were also a big surprise to most, with Rhino choosing to just charge straight through them, Lex using the entire event as a way to promote his new sports shoe, and Doom and Magneto flying over the hurdles.
As the final event drew ever closer, it seemed Doom was about to win, but with fierce competition from Luthor and Magneto, things were in no way certain.
Before the final event, the 1500m race, could begin, however, lawyers swarmed into Latveria to sue the villains for unauthorised use of the word Olympics. This was followed by a quick dispute over which was more evil, killing all the lawyers, or letting them live. The subsequent slaughter of all lawyers was certainly a finale fitting to the occasion, and also more fun than the traditional Olympic finishing ceremonies. However, once the lawyers were all dead, the superheroes chose to end their vacation, and in the aftermath of the combat, it was found that the current standings had been lost. It does appear that we will have to wait another four years before seeing which would-be world ruler we will have to live with, a time certain to be filled with chaos, new inventions, and a great deal of recovering and training by almost all villains in the world.