Past Xphile from the past week.

taking over the Past sports article for the week of 12/12/06

Xphile’s Tapes XIV: Tis the Season To Be Watching
By, Grey Xphile

Right, by now news about the general lack of jolliness coming from the North Pole has gotten to you.
Now ordinarily it’s not in my nature to go out on a lib for the benefit of a nigh on immortal guy who has enough omnipresence to know how you’re behaving and measure it up against his own moral standards and then stealthily enter anyone’s home through the most improbable means imaginable and leaves little “gifts” or punishments as you merit according to those moral standards again.
Actually I’ve now forgotten why it is I’m on his side.
Okay, maybe it’s because so many people think of him as a benefit, or something to look forward to. Then again maybe it’s because he gave me my first recording devices.
At any rate he’s rumoured to be in a bit of a bad mood. Rumours fly around about Iraq, Bush, Blair, Fenderlane, even something about the way Desperate Housewives has taken a turn for the worst in it’s recent season or just plain frustration with the lack of answers on Lost.
As a seasonal courtesy and because it generates interest I’ve dug deep into my sources to find a possible line on what’s caused the lack of happy on top of the world.
The result is a quick interview with a source codenamed Venison:
Grey Xphile: Right, Venison, so –
Venison: Do I have to be called that?
GX: It’s a codename, that’s all. Why, think it’s obvious?
V: Some might think of it as a racial slur, that’s all. Could get me beaten up, or worse.
GX: Only if they find out, and all that is what makes it a good codename. So tell me, who’s tugging on Saint Nick’s beard?
V: It’s complicated. It’s all to do with corporate rivalries.
GX: What?
V: Big Red’s only Big Red because of a certain soft drink company’s marketing scheme a while ago. This drew him into conflict with certain other figures.
GX: Who exactly?
V: Other corporate mascots. Tony Tiger’s a close friend, that sort of thing. Trouble is there are rivalries as well.
GX: So who’s his rival? Pepsi doesn’t have anyone. Doctor Pepper’s a geriatric.
V: Most people say the same thing about Big Red. But no, it’s not the opposition, it’s the guys on your own team bucking for something bigger.
GX: So what?
V: Just look at who he’s working with and you’ll find the answer pretty quickly.
Venison was right, once I knew where to start it all became pretty obvious.
Looking up the cola connection I ran into a prominent burger chain that relies heavily on the same product.
Just like the Columbia incident, the blocking of the Presidential toilets in 1996 and every mention of the grassy knoll it comes back to Ronald McDonald, the Clown Prince of Fries. Clown Prince of Crime already being taken by the Joker.
Checking below the surface I’ve found that Ronnie’s been waging a smear campaign against Kris Kringle. Nothing in the public forums, just poisoning key friends against him, trying to launch Deer Burgers, poaching employees because Elves work cheap and no one pays less than McDonalds. Except maybe Microsoft, I forget.
This sort of thing has been going on for ages, only now it’s beginning to interfere with Big Red’s work.
Some might think this is a bit much, that this is just another thing we’re laying on McDonald’s. I certainly do.
With that in mind I’m beginning to think that maybe some of the other rumours are just plain false.
For now we have a bigger problem, cheering up Santa. The simple solution might be to find and beat the crap out of a clown at every chance you get, hoping that it’s somehow Ronald McDonald. More realistic might be to just buy Coca Cola.
Not to drink of course, I’d never suggest that, but if we want to make for a merry Christmas we may be forced to line their coffers. A sacrifice for the cause.