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Past Sports from the past week. Past sports article for the week of 8/22/07 Xphile’s Tapes XVII: Training
Tomorrow’s Supersoldiers There once was a time when we could be sure of who and what was defending us. Normally the answer wasn’t that good. Boy Scouts facing off against Moon Cats. US Rangers fending off Mildly Intelligent Bees. Sixty Seven British nannies supported by Eighty German serving wenches holding the line against Spanish History teachers. Karl Rove against the world. Most of these are ad hoc forces thrown up against implacable enemies with little or no training. Unlike the time the Canadians raised a force of scythe wielding bus drivers for the express purpose of eliminating corn refugees from the potato planet. With events like this popping up all over the place it’s no surprise that many governments are trying to come up with dedicated supersoldier programs. All top secret of course, some of this stuff goes beyond the bounds of human decency. Things like wiring subjects brains directly up to hip hop or subjecting them to visual reports on Oprah’s weight gain and loss at high speed. Of course an old favourite is sports. All that physical activity and organised training covers a lot of physical activity and organised training for things that aren’t directly sporting related. Right now the US government, hard pressed by public military commitments and three little wars they’re not telling anyone about (the one against the Girl Scouts has been particularly vicious and progressing poorly) are trying to make their concealed training methods more public so a larger volume of troops can be trained at once without arousing suspicion. It was difficult to figure out what was going on, but in hindsight it’s simple. Beach Volleyball players are the source of the new warriors. Like I said, simple. Why else would they be lobbying so hard to have Beach Volleyball be declared an Olympic Sport when no shoe company in the world will provide serious sponsorship? It’s not for any reason you’d think either, on average baseballers have superior muscle tone, speed chess is where the reflexes are and golf provides the quickest thinkers. No, Beach Volleyball is filled with so many physically attractive persons no one would expect them to be effective at anything. That’s the public camouflage, a similar method was used World War II to assemble the Seventh Turkeybaster Battalion. Furthermore the intense leaping around, bouncing half naked on sand with bare feet, jiggling in skin tight outfits where outfits are worn at all, harden the skin and uh, I think maybe distract stuff from other stuff. I’m not entirely sure on that count, I watch so many tapes and find I can’t focus after a while. Which just proves everything I’ve said! For what purpose are these soldiers being trained? Why does it matter? Because! For all we know these beach volleyball players will be the next jackbooted, lock stepping army of oppression. Or else they’re going to be the last line of defence against the Doom Clowns from Mars or mimes or something. Either way it’s worth paying attention to! |
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