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Past Sports from the past week. Past sports article for the week of 10/9/07 Rumble in the Arctic: Setting
the Places The race to settle final ownership of the arctic and its underwater resources has finally been codified, with a few hitches. Owing to weather patterns, melting ice due to global warming and the insistence of respecting the Yeti’s natural habitat even though most of them have moved to Nevada for the sun and the gambling each lap to and from the arctic will be broken up by differing amounts of days and weeks. No it doesn’t make much sense, just blame the Canadians and move on, it was the only way any rules were generated. By general consensus there will be five laps in total, only the Irish disagreed wanting three and a half, which isn’t as stupid as it sounds since they don’t have an entry. Also by general consensus each team will begin at their southernmost major city. Though this puts all but the Scandinavian nations, Russia and Canada at a distinct disadvantage it also stops Russian plans to build Putingrad three feet off the ice choked northern tip of their nation. It was almost agreed that the entrants with the greatest distance to travel would be given proportionally fewer laps out of fairness the Australian representatives immediately booed, hissed and proclaimed that if the northern nations genuinely wanted a challenge they would make it double laps for the south. New Zealand and Argentina both gave the “We’re not with them signal”, though no one believed New Zealand. Quite a few nations started to protest, not simply those from the Southern Hemisphere. Upon hearing this Australia immediately declared everyone cowards and vowed to do triple laps. The said that all their laps would only count for a half. The means of the race have also been settled, with only two means of transportation allowed, and no aircraft larger than a child’s helium balloon, a small concession to Iceland. Private individuals are being allowed entry, with their starting locations to be determined by lottery. While various governments have said including these rugged individualists means that ownership of the Arctic is truly open to everyone critics claim that by including individuals and not companies the leaders of the world have ensured that they and not private interests will finally control the frozen north. Still others say banana. The most controversial rule is that all contestants must be wearing hot pink uniforms. Theoretically this is to make sighting in the snow and ice a simple task, however it also makes the teams indistinguishable. As Canada, Samoa and Australia were the main proponents of this rule no one is sure what the hell is going on. Canada is odds on favourite to win as long as everyone keeps beating up on the Russians, and so has no need to confuse the teams. Samoa doesn’t seem to know what’s going on exactly and could have been duped as a part of a gag by Australia who seems to have become caught up in it themselves. With a start date quickly approaching environmentalists are fuming at the cavalier method of determining the fate of one of the few pristine environments in the world, race fans are turning away in droves not seen since the last time someone tried to introduce soccer to the USA and merchandisers are wondering how in the world they are going to sell four million gross official Arctic Race tee shirts in assorted colours when the official colour is hot pink and hot pink only. |
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