Past Sports from the past week.

Past sports article for the week of 10/24/07

Health Breakthrough: Ping Pong Saves Lives!
By, Puns McKenna

According to reports, the two young boys, Billy Jansen and Brian Clarke, were playing a heated game of ping-pong in the older child’s basement when Brian suddenly collapsed. Young Billy, older than Brian by a year immediately began calling for help. His mother came running down the stairs and panicked. She raced back upstairs to call the paramedics.

Billy began beating his friend’s chest with a pin-pong paddle, apparently in a fit of pique. According to reports when the paramedics arrived on the scene the boy and his mother were taking turns beating the other child on the chest.

Several hours later, at the hospital, the younger boy’s mother spoke to reporters. “I am so grateful to Billy and his mother. If it hadn’t been for their beating Brian with those paddles, his heart would have stopped entirely.” She had broken down at this point and the reporter could barely understand her next words. “I hoped my boy would learn PPR.” When asked what PPR was, she replied, “Ping-Pong Resuscitation, of course!”

The medical personnel were able to shed more light on what exactly PPR is. According to one paramedic PPR is a new form of pulmonary resuscitation. In a person that you suspect has had a heart attack, or may be having a heart attack, you simply take your Ping-Pong equipment and rescue them. The procedure is simple. Stuff a Ping-Pong ball in their mouth to keep them from swallowing their tongue, then beat them soundly about the chest and shoulders with the paddles. If there are no positive results within the first twenty minutes of beating, then the patient is lost.

All Ping-Pong games are now coming out with a pamphlet that gives clear instructions on performing PPR, so that you too may save a life today!

Disclaimer: PPR is not recommended for everyone. Use caution when deciding whom to perform the procedure on. Not appropriate for Dogs, cats, birds, reptiles, and rodentia. Also perfect for spiders. Save one today.